I just finished my step work and sent it to my sponsor. That felt good. I wrote out a few letters to people that are close to me: Caleb, Madi, and Mandy. Here are those letters:
First off, I love you so much and am proud of the young man you are becoming. You are so helpful to Mom and me, you are a great leader among your friends and peers, and I love you.
I’m sorry that at times I lose my patience quickly with you. Most of the time, it’s because I’m stressed or frustrated with something else and I take it out on you. I apologize for this and am trying every day to pray for help and strength to not do this to you.
I want to be the best dad I can to you. I want to show you how much I love you by how I treat you. I want to be there when you need to talk about hard things or confusing things or when you have questions. I want you to be able to trust me that I want what’s best for you.
I commit to working hard to be more patient with you. I commit to having good talks with you. I commit to being there for you when you want to talk and when you need to talk.
I love you Caleb. Thanks for being my son and for all that you are to our family.
I love you so much. You remind me so much of your mom – how smart you are, how talented you are, your pretty blond hair, your beautiful blue eyes, and your willingness to help.
I’m grateful to have you as a daughter and look forward to seeing you develop your talents.
I’m sorry that at times I’m not as patient as I’d like to be with you. I recognize that I’m not perfect and I know that I can only be better as I submit my will to God, say my prayers to Him, and asked Him to help me have more patience.
I will continue to work on being more patient with you. I love you and want to be there for you when you have questions or need to talk about hard things or anything. The world is a confusing place sometimes, especially with all the media, music and everything that encourages immodesty and doing things that aren’t appropriate. I want to be there for you to talk about these things and help you make the best choices so you’ll be the most happy.
I love you Madi and am grateful that you are so sweet and loving.
First off, thanks so much for all you do to help Becky and me with our kids. I’m so grateful for you and that you’re here to be part of our family.
I want to apologize for a few things. First, for all the pain and heartache I’ve put on your sister over the past few years. I know you’ve been an important part of helping her deal with my terrible choices, and I’m glad she has you there to talk to. I’m sorry I’ve made such bad choices in the past that affected Becky and all of those that are closest to her.
I’m also sorry that at times, I may make you feel that I’m judgmental or critical. I don’t mean to do this and am working on submitting my will to God, asking for help, and doing everything I can to do His will and improve.
I love you Mandy and support you in your decisions. I want you to do what’s best for you, what will make you the most happy, and ultimately what God has prepared for you. I know from experience that at times this can be hard to discern. For quite a few years I thought I was doing what was best or what was going to help me cope with the stresses of life. I’ve discovered since then that I was doing MY will as opposed to God’s.
Social media, for me, is a confusing and distracting tool for me. Not only does it make me compare myself to others, but it fills my mind with useless information that doesn’t help me connect with Heavenly Father or do His will. I used social media for quite some time as a way to avoid or get away from tough situations. This choice led me down paths that were never helpful and ultimately really painful.
Again, I’m sorry for being a pain in the butt at times and for possibly making you feel unappreciated. I really do appreciate you and love that you’re able to connect with our kids as a special auntie.
Thanks again for letting me borrow your guitar. 🙂
Last night, when I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, I felt strongly that I should write two of the three letters – to Caleb and to Mandy. While I was at it, I decided to write one to Madi too.
I think what’s off with me today is that I realize I have a TON to do and have only limited time to do it. One solution I’ve thought of is hiring JR as a contractor to work on specific tasks. (I just sent him a text with my idea to hire him as an independent contractor who can help me with specific tasks. Then, if it works out, I could potentially hire him as a part-time or full-time employee when the time is right. – I didn’t tell him the last part.)
I may have had a weird dream too. Not even sure what it was about or who was in it. I know Becky and I were at a hotel with friends on a trip or something. Then there were people from my high school there – a few guys I was friends with back then. I don’t even remember what happened.
Finally, I think I feel a bit of shame for how I’m treating Caleb, or how I’m reacting to his moods. I really appreciated what Becky talked to me about last night – that she feels that when I’ve been in my best places, I worry most about how I’M acting and what I’M doing to stay in recovery. What can I do to stay in recovery? Lately, it seems I’ve been pointing the finger at others – Caleb, the FS guys for not getting projects done, things like that.
I recognize this too and really appreciate her willingness to share her thoughts and feelings with me.
I feel grateful to write this stuff out.
I feel grateful to want to be in recovery.
I feel grateful that last night at Scouts, things seemed to go well.
I feel grateful to have the calling that I do.
I’m grateful for the letters that I wrote and hope they will mean as much to the recipients as they do to me. I love Caleb and Madi and Mandy. I want to be better to each of them. I want to be an example and love them as God loves them.
I’m so grateful for Becky and her love and patience for imperfect me.
I don’t know what I’d do without her by my side.
I’m so grateful she has been willing to try to forgive me of my selfish and stupid ways. I’m so grateful she still wants to love me and be together forever.
Today will be a better day because I’m willing to submit my will to Him (now I just need to tell Him this).