How to Deal with Shame

Today is a new day.

Today I’m trying to turn my life and will over to God and live in recovery.

Today is challenging; my parents have been in town since Friday night and I seem to notice more now than ever how much my dad uses shame in his communication with everyone: Mom, the kids, Becky, and me.

I don’t think he means to. In fact, I don’t think he ever realizes what he’s doing. However, to Becky and I, who have been studying about shame and addiction and recovery, it’s pretty obvious.

Gosh, Judy!

You don’t have any saltines in this house?

Nate probably won’t go play basketball that early in the morning…

Stop doing that Chloe.

I could probably make a pretty complex list. And the thing that seems even more difficult is that my mom has probably pointed some of this out in her less-than-non-judgmental way so he gets even more defensive when I try to point it out.

I’m not sure how to handle it.

I want my parents to be a part of my kids lives and a part of our lives; but if this is what is going to happen each time they come, I don’t want it.

Becky and I have talked about bringing light into our lives and our homes with the kids – and to me, shame and blame and criticism are the opposite. They invite arguments, contention, and anger.

I read an article that talked a little about shame, “The Road Back: Abandoning Pornography” by Rory C Reid. However, I woke up so early this morning to play basketball that I kept dozing off 🙂

This is one scripture I found:

Fear not, for thou shalt not be ashamed; neither be thou confounded, for thou shalt not be put to ^ashame; for thou shalt forget the ^bshame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the ^creproach of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more. (3 Nephi 22:4)

This is another one that stuck out to me as I cross-referenced shame:

The wise shall inherit glory: but shame shall be the promotion of fools. (Proverbs 3:35)

And this one too:

When pride cometh, then cometh shame. (Proverbs 11:2)

And this one:

Poverty and shame shall be to him that refuseth instruction: but he that regardeth reproof shall be hounoured. (Proverbs 13:18)

I can see from these scriptures that I have no reason to feel shame. If my dad chooses to act that way, that’s his decision. If I feel it’s affecting my kids, I will remove them from the situation.

Just writing it out helps. It reminds me of the boundaries Becky shared with me.

I’m grateful for the study I had today. I’m grateful that I got to exercise some today.

I look forward to a day in recovery and healing.

Hasta luego!

Nate