I’ve been talking to my sponsees more lately about feelings, mainly because feelings, I’ve found, are at the core of my addictions: how I deal with them, how I cope, and what those feelings cause me to do to other people.
The feelings I’ve dealt with in the past include:
- of failure
- of success
- of not being accepted
- of what other people think of me
These are a few that come to mind. In the past, I’ve dealt with these in the following ways:
- doing nothing
- acting out in my addictions
Today, I aim to act differently. Today I feel a bit unsure about the following things:
- What the best things are that I should be doing for the U
- Getting the mobile version of the U site done
- Getting Legends finalized and functioning properly
- Getting the local SEO done for the U effectively
- Marketing MM best so I can create better systems and increase sales
- What to do about the Stan relationship
- Getting all the HS stuff done and making sure I’m paid accordingly
- Making sure all my clients are taken care of
- Getting the video done for Becky
- Making sure that Becky feels loved and safe in my recovery
- Making sure I use my time the best way I can
- Hiring a project manager to help me stay organized
These are a few things that are on my mind.
Becky and I have talked about this before – Christ, like any human being, had to deal with feelings: feelings are not something you can control; they just come based on situations, experiences, past events, or the choices of others.
As I researched Christ’s life, these are some of the scriptures that I feel manifest His feelings:
… a loud voice, saying, Father, it is finished, thy will is done, yielded up the ghost. (JST Matt. 27:54 )
I have trodden the winepress alone; and of the people there was none with me. … I looked, and there was none to help; and I wondered that there was none to uphold [me]. (Isaiah 63:3,5)
His lonely journey back to His Father continued without comfort or companionship. (None Were With Him)
It was required, indeed it was central to the significance of the Atonement, that this perfect Son who had never spoken ill nor done wrong nor touched an unclean thing had to know how the rest of humankind—us, all of us—would feel when we did commit such sins. For His Atonement to be infinite and eternal, He had to feel what it was like to die not only physically but spiritually, to sense what it was like to have the divine Spirit withdraw, leaving one feeling totally, abjectly, hopelessly alone. (None Were With Him, italics added)
The trust He lived by told Him in spite of His feelings that divine compassion is never absent, that God is always faithful, that He never flees nor fails us. (None Were With Him)
…because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. (None Were With Him)
Christ did feel. He did know how we feel. He paid the price for our sins, our feelings, and our hardships.
All I can do with my feelings, especially the ones that are tough, are turn them over to Him and ask Him to help me. For my good feelings, I can thank Him and recognize His hand in everything He has given me.
I don’t need to fear, or better said, when fear does come, I can turn my will over to God and His Son and have faith and hope that things will be ok as I do the best I can and surrender to Them. It doesn’t mean I do nothing; it means that I turn it over to them and am receptive to the direction I’m given.
It reminds me of what we just read in Ether about the brother of Jared. They had been commanded to leave where they were and go to the promised land. They had tarried in the wilderness for some time and got to the water, where they stayed for 3 or 4 years. Finally, the brother of Jared called upon God to see what he should do. God chastised him a bit and called him on why he hadn’t prayed sooner or moved forward.
The brother of Jared repented and moved forward, went and found rocks, and brought them back to God to ask Him what he could do with them to give them light on their trip across the waters.
The brother of Jared had faith. He trusted in God and surrendered to Him. He did all he could and, at the same time, turned it over to God.
Nephi did the same thing a few different times: the boat, the bow and arrow, the brass plates, and leaving his brothers for the safety of himself and the other believers. In all of the situations, Nephi surrendered to God, put his trust in Him, and was directed on what he should do next.
I’m grateful for the time I’ve made today to study and write. It helps so much to write things out, think about how they apply to me, and search the words of ancient and modern prophets for answers and confirmations of what I’m thinking and feeling.
I look forward to a day in recovery today.
I’m grateful for the gospel in my life and the direction it gives me as I look to Him.
I love Becky and am so grateful for our relationship.
I love my kids too and feel so blessed to have them. I want to be my best self with them and let go of my pride.
Today is a great day in recovery!