Today is a new day. Today I’m trying to submit my will to God early and think about Him throughout the day.
Today I started the day out by saying a prayer with Becky. I then got up with the kids and we ate breakfast. The kids actually got up earlier to play a couple rounds of Monopoly, which we were ok with.
We watched/listened to Mormon Messages and now I’m writing.
I did read emails from Grant after sending him the following email last night:
Congratulations about the progress with Valerie. That’s pretty exciting.
I am a bit concerned about a couple things that I wanted to share with you:
1. I feel like the program has been taking the back seat to other things you have going on (Valerie, your work project, etc.) I know these are really important things, but a lack focus on recovery can ruin all these things pretty quickly. When I went to the UCAP conference, one of the speakers said the following:
To be 99% committed to recovery from addiction is a BEAST…
To be 100% committed to recovery from addiction is a BREEZE.
Recovery isn’t a breeze by any means, but it is a lot easier if it’s the first thing I think about each day. Living in recovery has to be the only option or relapse is only a matter of time.
2. As I’ve thought about your struggles recently, I’m concerned about where those struggles have taken you. Touching yourself inappropriately, whether you orgasm or not, to me, isn’t living in recovery or surrendering your life and will over to God. I want to be understanding and I want to do what’s best for your recovery, but I need you to really contemplate where you are today and think about what you feel needs to happen.
Here is a reminder of the commitments you agreed to when we started and then re-started the step work:
Outline/Agreement for Sponsorship
1. Each morning first thing, along with prayer and scripture study, do the assignment given for that day and email it to me.
2. Meet with me at the completion of each week’s assignment and go over it together.
3. Each evening at the close of the day, along with prayer, write a journal entry of that day’s blessings and spiritual feelings and impressions and email it to me.
4. Each week, attend 2 or more ARP/PASG meetings. Plan which meetings you will be attending regularly and let me know what they are. Meetings by phone can be found on arp.lds.org meeting locator.
5. Commit to devoting 90 days uninterrupted, to this effort, to follow it consistently and diligently to its completion.
6. Understand that failure to successfully achieve permanent sobriety will likely mean re-starting this process along with the 90 day commitment.
7. A note about relationships: It is not wise to make any changes in your relationship status during this process. If married or in a committed relationship, stay that way if at all possible. Give your recovery time to work and help change things for the better. SHOW them by your example, what the program can do. If single or uncommitted, stay that way, and don’t do any serious or romantic dating during our work together. Until recovery is achieved, both you and those you date are in serious jeopardy. Socializing and group settings are encouraged but pairing off or starting an intimate relationship would be inappropriate at this time. Be honest and be considerate with those you associate with. Trust in the Lord and be patient with this process!
I, ____________ agree to the conditions outlined above. I understand that failure to comply with these guidelines will constitute a breach of contract with my sponsor and will violate this agreement, freeing him from his commitment to aid me in this process.
As I reviewed my guidelines to be a sponsor, this is one that I wanted to remind you of:
If they do not do their assignments faithfully, you must remind them of their agreement and if they fail to start doing their daily work immediately, you MUST step down as their sponsor.
This one also stuck out to me:
They will continue to email twice daily and meet weekly for the entire 90 days. It is especially important that they stay on track during step 4.
You have become a great friend and I’m happy for your progress in recovery; however, I know the rules that have been put in place are only for our safety and protection as we try to surrender our addiction over to God and make the necessary changes in our lives one day at a time.
I will be thinking about this more and praying about it as well.
I want to help you but we each have to “row our own boat” and live in recovery.
Look forward to hearing from you tomorrow morning.
He did respond this morning; I will think and pray about this during the day and wait for Mark’s response as well.
I’m grateful to be a sponsor.
I’m grateful to be practicing Step 12.
I went to a new meeting on Saturday morning for Sexaholics Anonymous with my friend Rory. Surprisingly, I ran into a few other guys I’d met before via other circumstances. I was happy to go and felt it can only be helpful.
One thing I did notice yesterday was that things seemed to be off. I wasn’t really sure why but then had a talk with Becky last night to discuss. As we talked about things, I realized what I was feeling and why I was off:
I hadn’t connected with God for a couple days. On Saturday morning I went to the SA meeting, but that wasn’t connecting with God. Yesterday morning I read from the book “He Restoreth My Soul” but that wasn’t really connecting with God either, especially since I was dozing in and out of sleep the whole time. Reading from the scriptures and words of the prophets and writing are crucial to my connection with God. Without them, I fall back into addictive behaviors like being easy to anger, getting frustrated with the kids, being clingy to Becky, and feeling less than confident about where I am and what I should be doing. It was so nice and comforting to talk this over with Becky, to dig deep, and to come to this conclusion on my own.
As I think about the other reasons I’d come up with yesterday, really they were all only secondary to this main reason.
Here are a few articles and lessons I’m going to read today in an attempt to connect with God:
- Listen to “Of Regrets and Resolutions” on my way to meeting this morning
- Read this lesson “Strengthening Our Relationship with God“
I look forward to today.
I am happy about the small progress I feel was made last night as I thought about what was going wrong and what I could do to turn my will more toward God.
I love Becky and am grateful for her willingness to be patient with me and love me despite my weaknesses and imperfections.
I’m grateful for my kids too. They are such a blessing and a way for me to learn patience, understanding and Christ-like love on a day to day basis.