What can I do about me?
Yesterday was a good day until about 4:30 or 5:00.
We had played tennis and unfortunately lost in the final match to Ben and Jana. I came back to the condo to work and, as I got here and started trying to work, I realized I was really tired and didn’t want to put myself in a vulnerable situation – so I decided to take a nap.
I felt good about the decision: I wanted to be in a good spot and didn’t want to put myself or my family at risk of anything.
When Becky and the kids got back from the boat, things seemed to be fine.
I went with Caleb, Madi and Jayden to the hot tub for one last time and Becky stayed back to feed Tyson and get ready for dinner.
When I got back, I could tell right away that something was off.
I asked Becky what was wrong and she said nothing. But I knew something wasn’t right.
After a bit of time and before we headed to dinner, I pressed her for what was happening. Was she mad that I’d taken a nap and not worked? Was there some sort of trigger at the boat that we needed to talk about?
She finally came forward and said that as she was feeding Tyson, my screen saver on my computer came on and she saw a screen shot of a Words with Friends where I had beaten “The Mistake.” It made me sick to my stomach to even hear about that. I didn’t know what to say and we both headed to dinner after that.
But since then, things have not been good. It’s felt just like it did last year at The Rushes – distant, painful, and full of regret.
I feel so sick to my stomach.
I feel terrible for the things I’ve done.
I can’t believe that was even me doing those stupid, selfish things.
Who was I?
What was I thinking?
Unfortunately I can’t go back and erase the past. Unfortunately what has been done is done. But today I can choose to live in recovery and not look back.
Today I can do my best to be my best and surrender my will to God’s.
Today I can fortify and submit.
I looked up “fortify” on LDS.org and found a talk by President Kimball. This is one of the quotes that stuck out to me:
In all of this evidence of progress, there is cause for rejoicing, but unfortunately we cannot proclaim that “all is well in Zion.” We find that we Latter-day Saints are also vulnerable to the destructive forces of evil that are all about us in this sin-sick world. Of the greatest concern in this day are those evils which tear at the fabric of the home and family.
He goes on to say:
We need continually to fortify our homes and families and defend them against the onslaught of evils such as divorce, broken families, brutality, and abuse, especially of wives and children. We need to constantly guard against immorality, pornography, and sexual permissiveness that would destroy the purity of the family members, young and old.
Such evils are very real and very threatening. One has but to read the headlines of our newspapers and magazines to become frighteningly aware of the crumbling, destructive influences which surround us.
It’s crazy that this talk was given in 1979.
It’s only getting worse.
I never want to get even close to the edge again.
I want to bury all weapons of war and stay so far away from them.
As a review, here are my weapons of war:
- Youtube
- Critical thoughts about Becky
- Thoughts about what’s in it for me or when am I going to get what’s due to me
- Talking about Becky’s tone
- Telling Becky she always thinks she’s right
- Staying up late
- Looking at my phone when we go to bed
I’ve added them since I originally wrote them out:
- Browsing the internet
- Looking at women below the chin
- Browsing KSL
I want to always keep these in remembrance and never get casual in my recovery.
President Kimball shares this insight too:
What must we do? We must be constantly alert to their evil presence in our homes and destroy them as we would the germs and filth of disease. We must hunt them from the closets of our minds, freeing ourselves of such worldliness, quenching the embers of wickedness before they become destructive flames.
I can only hope today will be a better day.
I can only surrender and so my best to look to God.
Today is a new day in recovery.
Hasta luego!
Nate
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