I went to SA meeting this morning, got up at 6:00 so I could bike there with Rory. Round trip the ride is a little over 20 miles depending on which way we go.
It’s fun to bike and I’m glad I went, but to be completely honest, I’m really tired and feeling vulnerable.
I had a good talk with my sponsee Sean today at the SA meeting. It was his first time there and the meeting was a bit different than normal, but overall I hope he liked it.
I think part of why I’m feeling vulnerable is because I told Sean my story. I talked about the big mistake and how that was a progressive issue. I talked about how it’s been so helpful to have my wife involved in her own recovery. And ultimately, I talked, talked, talked, – maybe too much.
Another reason I’m feeling vulnerable is because I’m going to need to drop one of my sponsees today. He’s missed quite a few days of doing step work and/or journal work (the whole week I was gone to Alaska he just took off too). And he’s made excuses as to why he’s the exception to the rule.
I really like him as a person and am grateful he introduced me to arpsupport.org in the first place, but I feel it’s time to “part as friends” and let him recommit to the agreement he signed when starting the program.
The 90 day program is hard. It’s commitment. Rory and I were talking about it on the bike ride and he doesn’t agree with it – he thinks that’s not how recovery really works, or how the steps work. I understand what he’s saying, but I feel that the 90 day program has been good for me to get in habits. I do feel that my habits have not been as consistent and that I’d like to get a different accountabilibuddy that can hold me to working the steps and writing in my journal.
The final vulnerability I feel has to do with something Beck shared with me last night. She ran into a guy that had been in one of her classes at UVU. I’ve met him before and there are a few things that make me uncomfortable:
- He’s a guy in a Zumba or Pilates class. I know, for me, that would NOT be a good place to be, no matter what my intentions may be. Talk about a lust hit. Granted, not everyone is in the same situation I’m in, but when I hear that there are guys in those classes I automatically assume they are either using it as a vehicle to act out or they are gay.
- When we met him before, there just seemed to be a flirtatious feeling about how he and Beck interacted. I may be way off on this or just jealous, but I didn’t like it at all. Chemistry is another word that comes to mind.
- Becky picked him up and gave him a ride last night: they were alone in the car together and it seemed like they had a talk about his life, how things are going, etc. Beck said a couple times that he’s a good guy and that she told him that a few different times to boost up his confidence. She’s worried that somethings going bad for him (maybe even a pornography addiction). I don’t know – if he’s in a tough spot, even if he’s not in a tough spot, this is a red flag. What if he has a crush on Becky? What if he’s got real addiction issues? Just makes me feel weird that there seems to be feelings there. I know I have no place to judge or be angry, especially after all the betrayal and pain I’ve cause, but the experience that was shared made me have a lot of U’s.
Writing about all this helps.
I also had a dream the other day that was one of those really real experiences. It was about Russ and FS. He and I were talking and he was asking what I’d been up to. He was asking who else I’d partnered with because he hadn’t seen me much. He was kind of chuckling the whole time and blowing it off and no big deal.
I don’t remember everything but I do remember feeling hidden feelings that, at one time, I thought that we would partner and that I would be part of their team. We had even talked about it. Then things just went a different way. Deep down, that hurt. Deep down, I’d been hiding that.
I feel the dream was my subconscious telling me to let it go and surrender it to Him.
I feel good about writing it down.
I am so tired right now but am nervous that I’m letting down Beck and the kids: they are cleaning and working on projects.
For now, I’ll be done writing.
This is the letter I wrote to my sponsee:
I hope things are going well at the wedding and on your vacation. I’m sure it’s been a busy time.
Unfortunately, at this point, after missing a variety of days in submitting step work and journal entries, I will need to step down as your sponsor.
I realize that things come up and life doesn’t just stop. I realize that there are responsibilities that can’t be worked around sometimes.
I also realize that, if I want to really be living in recovery one day at a time, working the steps at the first of the day (even if I have to wake up earlier than my family), and writing about feelings, emotions, and digging deep in my journal writing at night have to be top priorities in my “new normal” way of doing things.
The way I’ve done things in the past, or making excuses, even if to me they feel justified, just can’t happen anymore. That justification and minimizing of my situation is what has led me to relapse over and over again throughout my life.
I’m sorry that the timing didn’t work out. I do realize that this probably should have happened a few weeks ago when I didn’t hear from you for almost a week, but part of me took on that responsibility because I was gone, which was not right for me to do.
I encourage you to reach out to Mark and arpsupport.org again.
I will also still look forward to seeing you at meetings and working together on our recovery from our addictions.