Sometimes, I feel like my best journaling is when I write details about my past to my friends/sponsees. As they share things, it reminds me of where I’ve been and where I never want to return.
I feel so grateful to have sponsees who I consider close friends and brothers. My main goal is to be humble with them, to seek first to understand, then to be understood, and to ask questions that make them think about their situation, ponder where they are, and answer their own questions.
I’m so grateful for Becky. We had such a great talk last night and even today about some of the things I’d shared. I get nervous at times about sharing feelings or experiences for fear of triggering feelings from the past for her, but I’m also willing to talk about the past as a way to fortify against Satan as we move forward.
I shared with her this morning some of the things I’d shared with my sponsees last night. Here they are:
Working with you is really helpful to me: it keeps me thinking about where I am and what I want to do today to live in recovery.
One thing I wanted to share about what has been different for me this time than any other time I’ve tried to recover:
First and foremost, I made mistakes that I never ever thought possible and almost destroyed everything that’s most important in my life. Definitely don’t recommend that on so many different levels.
But this is the positive side of the new normal I’m trying to live:
The chin up practice is one of the best answers. First, I have to want to surrender the feelings of lust to God. Second, I have to truly believe that my wife and family are more important than checking someone out or getting my lust hit. Third, I have to believe that God will help me do what I can’t do on my own. Fourth, I have to be aware of situations before I’m being bombarded by Satan’s fiery darts. Fifth, I have to be willing to leave or go somewhere else if the darts keep coming. Sixth, I have to pray in the moment of temptation or even before hand (and sometimes over and over again). And finally, I have to be willing to practice. It’s just like a foul shot in basketball: the more I practice, the easier it becomes and the more I realize how important it is in being my best self.
And this:
In my case, I was selfish and was having expectations that were unrealistic or self-centered.
What I’ve found about connectedness with my wife is that whenever I’m not feeling connected with her, it’s almost always because I’m not connected with God first. My co-dependent self thinks, “Gosh, why is she so distant,” when, in actuality, God is probably wondering the same thing about me.
If I’ve connected with God, the emotional connection with my wife comes almost naturally, it’s not something I have to create or push or feel sorry for myself about (all of which I’ve done in the past: pouting because she wasn’t there, being angry when she doesn’t want to be close, feeling frustrated when she doesn’t seem to notice all the “great things” I’m doing, etc.).
When I’ve connected with God, I also am more aware if she is having a hard time and either let her have the space she needs or, in the right time, ask her what I can do to help.
This is a common experience as part of recovery from all the pain and selfishness I’ve caused and shown throughout our marriage. With practice and awareness, it does get better. Eliminating the communication and sharing is always a red flag.
I’m not sure how these will be received or if I’m too preachy, but I truly have felt these things myself and feel that talking about them in the “I” form is being honest.
As I looked through LDS.org for the talks, one image really stood out to me:
One of the things I really feel today is that I want to please God and Christ and not other people.
I want to do their will. I want to keep their commandments. I want to become like them.
And the only way I can become like them is if I know what they want me to do, I strive to understand it clearly, and then I do it – I act!
I’m grateful for my desires today to live in recovery, to surrender to God, and to connect with Him.
As I said earlier about connection, the only way I can truly connect with Becky or with others here on earth is if I’m connected to God first. He is my Heavenly Father who knows me best. All other connections are only blessings I can receive as I put Him first in my life.
There’s a reason why the first two commandments are in the order they are in:
Deuteronomy 6:5: “And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.” From Leviticus 19:18: “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” In Matthew’s account the Savior added these words: “On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets” (Matthew 22:40).
I’m grateful to feel the love for God and the love of God today. I’m grateful to love my wife and family and want to provide for and protect them. I’m grateful to be married to my best friend and be in this together.
I look forward to today!
Hasta luego!
Nate
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