I just got off a call with my sponsee Sean who just read to me his Step 4 inventory. It was a great experience, my first as a sponsor. I’m really happy with his consistency and willingness to be open and honest about his addiction and his want to recover.
I want to study about this scripture today (John 3:19-21):
When Becky shared this with me yesterday in her journal, it really made me think of the talk I heard in Church Sunday. A couple things stuck out to me about that talk:
- Faith is either growing stronger or becoming weaker.
- This made me think of the quote I’d heard in meetings: “The only way to coast is downhill.”
If I’m not actively working on my recovery, on connecting with God today, my faith is becoming weaker and I’m turning away from God and thus “coasting downhill.”
As I think about my ups and downs over the past years of my addictive life, I realize that I was in such a dark and dreary place. I realize that, just as the scripture says, I didn’t like light but preferred darkness.
“The guilty take the truth to be hard…”
I remember distinctly being so resentful and closed off to Becky as she would talk to me about what she was feeling or as she tried to figure out what was wrong with me.
I remember hating myself and everyone else.
I remember being so easy to anger (something I have to be aware of now as well – an addictive behavior).
I remember being so resentful at how I felt Becky thought she was so much better than me, when in reality, she really was.
I recognize today that, first, comparing isn’t healthy in any situation.
I also recognize today that I only have control over my will – everything else, no matter what it is, is out of my control.
I have to be willing to surrender to God, put my trust in Him, and do all I can to follow His will in everything I do: how I connect with Him, how I connect with my wife and kids, what I choose to do today for work (am I being honest in my dealings), and where I choose to put my heart today.
I want to come to the light. I want to talk about my deeds – to reveal them to myself, to God, and to other people, so that my deeds can be “wrought in God.”
What does wrought mean?
…beaten out or shaped by hammering.
That’s really interesting. Shaped, beaten out. This reminds me of the story of how we are like a stone that the Lord is chiseling away, and when we go through hard things, He is taking big chunks off of us to refine us and shape us into what He knows we can become.
I feel, over the last year or so, I’ve really been refined. I’ve learned so much about myself and about my feelings. I’ve learned how to express them more. I’ve learned how important it is that I connect with God on a daily and moment to moment basis.
I’ve learned that my connection with Becky, the quality of the connection, is dependent on how I’m choosing to connect with God FIRST. If I am trying to satisfy my connection with Him by latching on to her, I’m displaying co-dependent behaviors that are a form of addiction that I don’t want to entertain.
I’ve learned that how I cope with emotions and feelings is an ongoing process and learning experience. The other day I got an email from a blog I subscribed to some time ago. It was all about coping. These are some of the things that really stood out:
The skill of coping is highly underrated, and our inability to cope with difficult feelings can lead to major problems, including health problems, financial ruin, work procrastination, even death.
A big part of my addiction throughout my life has been caused by my “inability to cope with difficult feelings.”
What would be another way to cope? If you’re bored, you might cope by learning something new, or tackling a new challenge. If you’re lonely, you might try to exercise, write, teach yourself a new skill, or meet new people. These are just a few examples, but you can see that these are much healthier ways of coping.
How do I cope now?
I would say I am much more focused at work and just do the best I can.
I work with sponsees.
I go to two meetings per week.
I do the AEIOU’s with Becky every night.
I write and study as often as I can.
I focus on the Chin-Up to cope with lust.
I’m grateful for today. I’m grateful for Becky and for my children. I’m grateful for the sponsees I get to work with.
I look forward to a day in recovery today.