I feel really stressed today.
I’m stressed about fulfillment – getting all the things done that need to be done, and not going crazy in the process.
Here’s what I’m worried about:
- Hiring a project manager that knows WP well and can do the simple things I need done at a fair price
- Hiring a quality writer who can help with content creation and that can understand the process I’m going through with discovery
- Fulfilling the following projects:
- JP – plugin integration, finalization
- VRE – wordpress edits, finalization
- ALM – content creation, design/programming
- NW – have hired upcity for this one
- WWF – have hired upcity for this one
- VT – need writer
- URZ – SEO work and local work
I feel like I just want to hide in a corner and do nothing.
I’ve felt this way before and this has been a trigger to acting out in my addictions – I start browsing and one thing leads to another.
But not today. Today I’m going to chip away and do everything I can to gain momentum.
Today I’m going to turn my will over to God and ask Him for help.
Today I’m going to live a new normal.
I responded to one of my sponsees today with this:
I really like what you said here:
Yes. I think that’s a big reason why this step is a little daunting right now. I’m realizing that I can’t hold onto the resentment that I’ve kept with me for so long now. It’s literally like a comfort blanket if that makes sense. It’s scary to think about letting it go. I start feeling vulnerable and exposed. Like somehow those feelings, those negative feelings, protect me from more hurt, or from being fooled, or from being abandoned.
I identify with this a lot, especially towards my parents. I think there’s an ongoing resentment towards my parents for the way I was raised and even for how they try to control and reason with me now. It’s hard to let that go for fear that it will never change – I have to “keep my guard up.”
However, just in writing this, I realize that I can only worry about how I react or respond, I can’t row their boat for them. Plus, they aren’t even aware of how they treat me and how if triggers negative feelings.
This is where the serenity prayer comes in to play so perfectly:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time.
This comment is something I really identify with too:
I think my negative feelings and the hurt I feel from some who I have also harmed. My pride, my addiction to resentment, and my co-dependency are telling me that I will be too exposed if I give up those feelings. I won’t have a shield to protect myself against their hurt if I don’t hold anything against them in return. That’s how I feel. It’s a scary thought to not “hate” in return. It’s almost like I want to find more fault in them than they can find fault in me.
The Beware of Pride talk discusses this – it’s the competitiveness in me. It’s me versus them. I want to be right; therefore, they have to be wrong. I want to prove that they are idiots and I have things “figured out.” How wrong I’ve always been to think I EVER had things figured out. I don’t even have things figured out now and I’m actively trying to live in recovery one day at a time.
But all I can do is recognize my imperfection and ask God to help me.
I really liked re-reading this too:
In step 8, you begin an amazing adventure in relating with a new heart to yourself, to others, and to life. You are ready to contribute peace to the world rather than add contention and negative feelings. You are willing to give up judging anyone unrighteously and to stop taking inventory of others’ lives and faults. You are ready to stop minimizing your own behavior or making excuses for it. You are willing to take another thorough inventory—this time of those you have harmed.
That’s a big answer. That’s a big challenge too – especially because I’ve been comparing myself to others my whole life – that’s what the world encourages us to do. That’s what sports is all about. That’s what school is all about. That’s Satan’s secret sauce – comparison and pride.
Great job on the step work. Thanks for helping me identify some of my issues as well.
I don’t have things “figured out.” I want to be my best self, but at times I feel alone and don’t know what to do. I’d love to find a partner to work with on MM – someone I know, like and trust that could bring things to the table that I’m not as good at.
I’m going to go to LDS.org right now to see what answers I can find:
Ironically, I found the talk by President Uchtdorf titled, “It Works Wonderfully!”
These quotes stood out:
Sometimes, the truth may just seem too straightforward, too plain, and too simple for us to fully appreciate its great value.
The truth is, I need to take steps forward to hire quality workers. I feel I can sell, sell, sell, but I have to have the right people with me to fulfill, fulfill, fulfill!
I have to take a step in the dark a bit if I want to continue to grow and progress.
I think I need to hire the team that Jon recommended for the U project. I can talk to them, they have systems in place, and Jon has used them (I think) in the past. I can try them and upcity out for the month of November and see what works best. I’ll need to look up their information in my notes.
I like this reminder in the talk too:
…the gospel can invigorate and renew one’s spirit—how it can fill our hearts with hope and our minds with light. I know for myself how the fruits of the gospel of Jesus Christ can transform lives from the ordinary and dreary to the extraordinary and sublime.
I feel this is where I’m different today than where I’ve been in the past. Instead of browsing around looking for dumb ideas or trying to cope with my worries through wasting time, today I want to look for answers in the right places.
Studying the gospel can bring hope and enlighten my mind. Studying the gospel can bring ideas into my mind that I may not have considered before. The Spirit can talk to me about temporal things as well as spiritual things.
One question that keeps coming to min is what I need to do about the kid I have working for me now. I like him, but he’s not as qualified as I once thought. I’ve had to take more time to train him that I expected. And recently he just hasn’t been around that much to help with projects or get things done.
I feel there are better prospects out there who have the experience and know-how and can get projects done quicker.
This is a good reminder too:
…we need to make a conscientious effort to devote our energy and time to the things that truly matter, while uplifting our fellowmen and building the kingdom of God.
What matters most to me?
Where are my priorities?
Am I doing the things that are going to bring me the most joy?
Or am I wasting time working on things that aren’t as important?
The U project is the biggest opportunity for me to grow and progress. I need to put more of my eggs in that basket and really focus on it. I can’t let little projects distract or get in the way, especially if I’m willing to do them for less money and they are going to take the same amount of time.
[Living] the gospel could be described like this:
- Hearing the word of God with earnest intent leads us to believe in God and to trust His promises.3
- The more we trust God, the more our hearts are filled with love for Him and for each other.
- Because of our love for God, we desire to follow Him and bring our actions in alignment with His word.
- Because we love God, we want to serve Him; we want to bless the lives of others and help the poor and the needy.
- The more we walk in this path of discipleship, the more we desire to learn the word of God.
I really like these suggestions.
This is a great reminder as well:
Sometimes we feel discouraged because we are not “more” of something—more spiritual, respected, intelligent, healthy, rich, friendly, or capable. Naturally, there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve. God created us to grow and progress. But remember, our weaknesses can help us to be humble and turn us to Christ, who will “make weak things become strong.”4 Satan, on the other hand, uses our weaknesses to the point that we are discouraged from even trying.
How true this is!
I want to progress, I want to be better and “more successful.”
I have to trust in God and take things one day at a time.
I need to work now. I need to prioritize and take things moment to moment.
I need to put my trust in Him and know that things will work out if I’m doing my best to be honest and work hard.