I had a good morning of study, writing and sharing. I really felt like what I discovered and wrote was insightful and came from the heart.
I shared this journal entry with Becky and from when I saw her at mid-day to now, I can tell something is off.
I asked her about it and she said she just needs some space to process, that she’s talked to her sponsor, and that’s it.
I asked her if it was something I said or did or if it was the email I’d sent her. She didn’t reply other than she just needed space.
This is hard.
I’m feeling anxious.
I’m feeling afraid.
I’m feeling frustrated and hopeless.
And I’m feeling upset.
As I look back at the email, this is the part that maybe I shouldn’t have shared, the part that may have hurt her feelings or caused her to fear:
Sure, B was on my mind – I even said I was addicted to pornography, masturbation and lust. But did I really realize what I was doing every time I looked at a woman from the neck down? Did I realize that I was acting on my addiction to lust? No, I didn’t. I thought that was just normal. I thought that I was fine to look, at least for a second.
But what I’ve realized since then is that by looking, I’m allowing my mind to start comparing, coveting, and wanting what I don’t have. There will always be grass greener on the other side of the fence.
What I’m grateful for today is that, as I practice the chin-up approach, I don’t compare at all. I’m so grateful for my relationship with my wife. I value most the emotional connection we have, and I rarely have the “bad thoughts” that used to haunt me almost constantly. I thought I’d never be able to overcome that. And I’ve realized that I haven’t been able to – but with God’s help, and by doing His will of not looking at women from the neck down, He’s helped me to be able to clear my mind one moment at a time.
Maybe I shouldn’t have shared that with her. But the last thing I want to do right now is minimize, hide, rationalize, or justify. I want to be true to myself, to her, and to God. I want to share feelings that will hopefully help my sponsees in their recovery. I want to be clean.
I feel good about writing.
I want to recognize the feelings and then just let them pass.
I want to ask God to help me remove them and be my best self.
I look forward to the rest of the night in recovery.