It’s 1:45 a.m. and I am up working.
I couldn’t sleep, I believe, in part, because I have so much on my mind: so many things to get done, so many things hanging in the balance, and stress to get them all done.
So, I got up and did a few things:
- Finished adding all the pictures to Parse for the App
- Texted Bryan about the status
- Updated all the Sucuri cases
- Created spreadsheets for UDDSC with names and phone numbers
- Sent to Nikki via email
- Called GoDaddy to get the SSL info worked out for NWOUT
- Emailed Lacey about the updates to the App
- Replied to Harman about the PW for Absolute
- Checked on status of WMG – nothing has happened yet – will follow up with Barry tomorrow morning
- Been on hold with GoDaddy for over 40 minutes trying to get the SSL crap figured out…
I wanted to answer the question found in the title of this post. One of my sponsees shared this today:
Had a long and tiring shoot today. But it went well. Had the help and it worked out really well. It’s still hard to let go of some of the work and truly let someone else take it over. I don’t remember the last time I was this tired. Body is just so drained and everything is sore. Feel like I used every muscle in my entire body on the mountain today. Not a lot of time to think about other things today. [Jen’s] upset again at something. Kids. Me. Pregnancy. I don’t know. She just shuts off. Still so hard to figure out the right way to react to this part of her. Don’t react? Express concern? Clean up?
I have 166 days of recovery today. Starting my next day right now.
I know what he is going through.
I don’t feel Beck (or his wife) does this on purpose. It’s a natural way they are dealing with the trauma we’ve caused.
This has happened a variety of times and, in fact, I had that experience this New Year’s Eve and Day while visiting family. Here’s what I wrote then, that I shared with my sponsee:
How I respond when this happens to me, which it did on New Years Eve/Day:
- Pray a lot
- Ask for strength
- Ask for help
- Help as much as I can without expecting anything in return
- Take any opportunity to let her know I’m here, I’m doing my best to live in recovery, and that I’d love to talk when she’s ready
- Surrender to my sponsor
- Write out my feelings
Here’s what I wrote on New Years Eve:
Today went pretty well until this evening.
I was on my computer and we were watching a football game at the Schmidt’s house. During half time Dad decided to turn the Fleetwood Mac concert on and discussion started about the lead singer and the lead guitarist and their ongoing romance.
I really wasn’t listening and didn’t hear what was said, but, after a while, Beck was nowhere to be seen.
I looked all over, ask around, and no one knew or had seen her. I ask Mom a couple times and she didn’t know either.
I went upstairs to look in Mom and Dads room where the exercise equipment is and Mom came out of the bathroom. She apologized and said Becky was trying to compose herself – that something was said about Fleetwood Mac that triggered feelings in Becky.
I went in and talked to her and got a lot of “I’m fine” and “I don’t know” statements.
This was about an hour or so before dinner and the rest of the night was distant and isolated and lonely.
I tried to be close, apologize and be there to help, but nothing seemed to work.
I feel sick to my stomach. I feel sad and frustrated. I feel upset and worried how tomorrow will go. I feel a bit angry and resentful.
This was the night and I will surrender these feelings to God and ask for His help.
And New Years Day:
Well, today seems like it’s going to be the same as last night…
I strained my back the other day shoveling snow and have never felt so bad since I broke my back over 20 years ago. I can barely walk, my legs hurt and feel weird, and I can barely move.
And, to add to that, Becky is detached again today. I don’t know what to say to her, I don’t know how to act, I feel bad, frustrated and alone.
One thought that comes to mind is act as opposed to being acted upon. It’s my choice how I choose to deal with situations: I can wallow and sulk and do nothing productive, or I can surrender the feelings to God, ask for His help, and move forward.
I’m frustrated because I don’t feel, this time, that I did anything to trigger the feelings in Becky (at least not recently). Obviously I take full responsibility for what I’ve done in the past and I feel sick to even think about that. But today is different, today I’m living a new normal, today I’m trying to live in recovery.
I want to feel connected to God. I want to feel connected to Becky. I want to feel connected to others. But it’s my choice. No one else can do it for me or make me feel a certain way. It’s up to me to connect with God. I can connect with Him through personal, sincere prayer, studying His word, and then going to work.
I’m grateful for today. Today is a new year. Today is a day I can choose to live in recovery.
Today I’m going to ponder upon this scripture:
Mosiah 16:5, 12-13
5 But remember that he that persists in his own carnal nature, and goes on in the ways of sin and rebellion against God, remaineth in his fallen state and the devil hath all power over him. Therefore he is as though there was no redemption made, being an enemy to God; and also is the devil an enemy to God.
12 Having gone according to their own carnal wills and desires; having never called upon the Lord while the arms of mercy were extended towards them; for the arms of mercy were extended towards them, and they would not; they being warned of their iniquities and yet they would not depart from them; and they were commanded to repent and yet they would not repent.
13 And now, ought ye not to tremble and repent of your sins, and remember that only in and through Christ ye can be saved?
These scriptures are a good reminder to me if where I’ve been and where I could go back to if I’m not ever vigilant, aware and mindful of what God has and is willing to do for me.
I’m grateful to feel connected to Him today. I’m grateful to make this time to study, think, write and surrender.
Today can be a great day in recovery. Today I can choose to live as close to God as I possibly can. It’s my choice.
I love Becky with all my heart and never want to hurt her again. I feel bad that she was triggered last night by stupid comments, but I can’t do anything about those – what’s done is done. All I can do is surrender, be happy, help as much as I can, and know that all things will work together for my good if I’m willing to do His will today.
Hope this helps.
I don’t know what the right answer is.
I know I’ve read some good advise in the book, Love You, Hate the Porn. I’ll have to look that up again.
I’m grateful to be where I am today in recovery (not necessarily grateful to be out here working and on hold with GoDaddy – 35 minutes now) but I feel good in recovery.
On one more note, I had to let one of my sponsees go today due to another relapse. This was a hard one because we’re good friends, go to group together (both Thursday and Saturday), and I’d say we’re really similar.
I don’t understand what the benefit is of dropping a sponsee after one relapse or slip. I look forward to reading more about that and talking with Mark about his thoughts.
Well, I’m going to call it a night now.