I’m up here waiting to go back out on the hill at Snowbird with Brad Parker and Dave Springer. Unfortunately, we are stuck in the condo due to avalanches and blizzards.
I feel pretty sick to my stomach for the conversation that happened last night with Becky and me. We were talking about our date and talk on Saturday, which didn’t go great due to me sharing what my sponsee had shared with me.
She shared her frustration about the topic of looking around and comparing women, and I agreed. I also mentioned that I empathize with the guy and know that I’m trying to always be aware of my surroundings.
This seemed to light a fire of trauma that I wasn’t expecting at all. She told me how she could never trust me and feel safe that I wasn’t looking at other women, comparing, and wishing I was with someone else.
I’m not that person today. As I live in recovery, I surrender any feelings of lust, comparison or anything else that will drive away the Spirit and re-invite the carnal Nate back into my life and mind.
I don’t know how to tell this to Becky. I’m not 100% sure how to show her either. I feel I’m trying and concentrating every day on doing things to show that I’m living in recovery, but talks like last night seem to destroy all that’s been built. And the sad thing is, that wasn’t my intention at all.
I want to be open and honest and transparent. I want to be present. I want to be real and not fake. And I want to show Becky how grateful I am to be married to her and to no one else. I want to show her how much I love her through my actions and not just words.
One of the things that triggered some of her feelings, I think, was the visit of Mom and Dad. She asked me to think about my U’s regarding their visit and so I want to think about that now.
I’m nervous that I won’t have shared with them enough on what I’ve learned.
I’m nervous that one of them will die and what will be our responsibility after that.
I’m afraid that Dad has similar addictions to what I deal with.
I’m nervous that my parents will never be able to be around us without some feelings of anger, resentment, fear and frustration.
I’m afraid that how I treat them will distance us.
I’m afraid of the shame I feel from them at times that I’m not doing what they think I should be doing.
I don’t know how to deal with being the only child in a positive way.
I don’t like feeling the pressure and stress of always being watched by my parents.
I don’t like how I feel Mom uses me as a Medal of Honor for the great job she’s done as a mom.
I don’t like how I’m nervous a lot about what my parents are going to say to Becky about whatever – things that aren’t their business at all.
I recognize that most if not all of these things are out of my control. All I can control is how I respond to the actions.
I choose to act and not be acted upon.
This is all I can do for now.