I feel emotionally drained.
I think it all started when my parents were here for almost a week. Not only are there feelings and emotions that I bury with them here (which I’ll try to write about in a bit), but it also effects how I interact with Becky – I worry about what they are going to say to her and how that’s going to trigger negative feelings and emotions, I worry how she’s feeling and coping with the stress they bring to our home, I worry about what influence they will have on the kids, I worry that it’s my job to “fix” them and their negative emotions, and the list could go on and on.
On Saturday, Becky and I went on a business trip and she shared some of her feelings, which helps. But I hadn’t taken the time to connect emotionally with God, I had all those pent up feelings, and I didn’t feel 100% great in recovery.
We had our business meeting, which went really well, although I do feel it makes me feel pressure – like every year at the start of the year – to be better than I was last year, to exceed expectations (not even sure who’s except maybe my own), and to grow, grow, grow.
After our meeting, we made a mistake of going to Iggy’s Sports Bar to eat and watch some of the Packer game. I’d been thinking about a new sponsor I picked up that morning, Daniel, and some of the things he’d shared about his struggles and triggers at the meeting. Daniel is single and is a nice guy, but what he shared was on my mind, and I was concerned with how I was best going to help him.
The combination of being at the sports bar and my disconnect with God was not good. I wanted to feel connected to Becky, and I shared what I was thinking about with her – EPIC FAIL! I talked about Daniel’s issues and expressed how I wasn’t sure what to do.
This started a triggering feeling in Becky that built and built over the next few days until, Tuesday night, it felt like the night I’d shared my biggest mistakes with Becky – terrible.
Throughout the week, I thought about what I’d said, I thought about where I was in recovery, and I worried about what I’d done. Then, on Thursday, Beck went to her meeting in the morning and shared what she was feeling, only to get a lot of comments, concerns and questions about where I am in my own recovery.
She came home from her meeting and I could tell right away that things were not good.
Eventually we talked about it, she shared her journal, and we had some really good talks.
But it’s been stressful. I never want to hurt her again. I want to be living in recovery. And I want to do all I can to connect with God and her in the “right” ways.
I think I’ve been stressed about my new sponsee – am I handling his answers best?
I’ve been stressed about all the work I have going, some of which I feel isn’t going as quickly and orderly as I’d like (Wachter, A La Mode, Med Spa, and now BDT).
I’ve been stressed about the marketing gigs I have that I need to have better systems in place for (NWOUT, WMG, HC, URED, and other potential deals).
And I think the biggest stress is living up to my own expectations of what I feel “success” will be this year in my business. How I’m going to do this, what it’s going to take, things like that.
Beck and I had a good discussion about this and narrowed it down to these priorities:
- U Sponsorship
- AP DEP
- MM Web
- Marketing (who fulfills this is a bit up in the air still)
- Local SEO (John)
- FS
- Consulting
A few things I didn’t put in there:
- HS
- Book Writing
So, that’s where I feel I am today.
I want to be organized and efficient. I want to be my best self. And I want to be the husband and father that God knows I can be.
This insight from a talk by Elder Bednar rings true:
“When you cannot do what you have always done, then you only do what matters most.” Elder Hales
Inability to do many things can direct focus to a few things of greatest importance.
I like what Elder Bednar does in his talk – he goes through what each of the apostles teaches prior to their passing to the other side of the veil. President Faust shared this insight:
“The Savior has offered to all of us a precious peace through His Atonement, but this can come only as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger, spite, or revenge. …
He’s talking about negative emotions and feelings! This is the start of addictive behaviors which leads to addictive actions.
More to come after I go to lunch…
Here are some of the U’s I came up with regarding my parents:
- I’m nervous that I won’t have shared with them enough on what I’ve learned.
- I’m nervous that one of them will die and what will be our responsibility after that.
- I’m afraid that Dad has similar addictions to what I deal with.
- I’m nervous that my parents will never be able to be around us without some feelings of anger, resentment, fear and frustration.
- I’m afraid that how I treat them will distance us.
- I’m afraid of the shame I feel from them at times that I’m not doing what they think I should be doing.
- I don’t know how to deal with being the only child in a positive way.
- I don’t like feeling the pressure and stress of always being watched by my parents.
- I don’t like how I feel Mom uses me as a Medal of Honor for what she feels is the great job she’s done as a mom.
- I don’t like how I’m nervous a lot about what my parents are going to say to Becky about whatever – things that aren’t their business at all.
I recognize that most if not all of these things are out of my control. All I can control is how I respond to the actions.
That’s where I feel like I am today.
With that, I’ll take another 24 and surrender my will to Him.
Hasta luego!
Nate
Leave a Reply