What am I feeling today?
I’m not sure. I’m just going to make a list of some of the things that come to mind.
- I didn’t sleep the best last night: my throat really hurt and I kept waking up
- I had a weird dream – like Becky and I were with her family at some parade and we weren’t getting along or couldn’t decide what to do or where to go
- I feel some stress that my parents are coming today: not sure how long they’ll be here, what will happen, how I will cope, how it will affect Becky, things like that.
- I miss connecting with Becky emotionally and physically. I feel we’ve connected pretty good emotionally from time to time, but, because she’s not feeling the best with her neck, it’s harder to connect at all.
- I got a bit frustrated with the girls: they’re room is frequently chaos and they seem to just lolly-gag around and not really get things done. I raised my voice at them, which I want to not do anymore.
- I slipped by joking with Caleb about “loading his pants” – Becky didn’t like this and gave me a look
- I am frustrated with how FS is handling the app we created for Lacey. I’m not sure what to do there and can’t get any valid response from Grady or Bryan.
- I have lots of other things to do today and want to make sure I get them all done to the best of my ability
Those are feelings I have right now.
I’m reading some articles from Zen Habits and there is one about “letting go and letting God” that sticks out to me today. It’s not really about letting God but I’m interpreting it that way.
This quote stands out:
The problem is that we are holding onto what we want everyone else to be, what we want ourselves to be, what we’d like our work and families and life to be.
One thing that stresses me out is what I want to be, how I want my business to be. I think the biggest issue is I don’t really know clearly what I want it to be or how I want it to run.
I feel like the UCR stuff is giving me more clarity. It’s about selling and then fulfilling in a quality and efficient way. I feel like the DEP projects are also helpful, but some of the details there are quite out of my control: who helps me fulfill, how well they fulfill, the amount of time it takes to fulfill, getting new business in a consistent way, understanding more (although this last call we had was so much more clear than the initial call/meeting with had with the first client).
What is realistic to expect of myself and my business?
How do I want to grow and progress?
When will enough really be enough?
How do I measure “success?”
These are all questions that come to mind.
I also think that I have expectations for how I want the kids to be, especially Caleb. I need to “let go and let God.” I need to trust that God will direct him for good. I need to be my best self and be the kind of person I would want Caleb to be: patient, helpful, loving, clean, hard-working, obedient, faithful, true, worthy, and honest with myself and others.
I like this practice:
The Joy of Letting Go
I’m going to give you a practice for whenever you feel stress, anxiety, frustration, or other kinds of struggle.
Notice the feeling. Bring it into your field of awareness.
Turn to it, welcome it. Smile and be kind to the feeling, giving it your full gentle attention.
Notice how it feels in your body. Where is the feeling located, what quality does it have?
Notice the tension in your body around it, and the tension in your mind, as you don’t want to have this feeling.
Try relaxing this tense part of your body. Then relax the tense part of your mind around the feeling.
In this more relaxed place, open up some space, like a wide open field, inside your mind and body.
In this space, allow yourself to see the basic goodness in yourself, that’s there in every moment.
In this space, allow yourself to see the basic goodness of this very moment, always available to us if we’re willing to see it.
Find the joy of the rediscovery of this goodness in yourself and this moment.
This is the practice of letting go of the struggle, and accepting this moment as it is, and yourself as you are.
You can do this in every moment. You can practice with seeing the goodness in others as well. Seeing the goodness in our struggles and complicated relationships and busy-ness.
We can uncover the joy and love that’s always there.
I really like what Leo talks about relating to control and trust too. He shares that I really have no control of any outcome. Sure, I can hope things turn out a certain way, but ultimately all things are out of my control, despite my best efforts.
It reminds me of the talk I had with my sponsor about “quit trying to play God.” I can’t control outcomes; I have to have faith, trust in God, and row my own boat.
Today is going to be better already. I can feel it.
It helps so much to write out my feelings and reflect on where I am today.