I’m just going to write right now. Not sure it will all make sense but I want to get it out and not stuff it, push it on, or blame.
My parents are here again…
No triggers last night when we got home from UCAP to speak of.
A few small triggers today at Church when I would look over where they were sitting and see my mom watching us to make sure we were listening to the spiritual messages being shared. Feel like she’s always watching, always got her eye out for me.
And what do you know, she walks in just now while I’m writing and asks what I’m doing…
So, today has gone ok.
Becky put on some music to listen to after church while we’re getting ready for lunch/dinner. I tell her to put on Glorious, the song Mandy and I did for her for her birthday.
We put it on and tell my dad that this is Mandy singing and me on guitar.
First he doesn’t believe me at all. “Yeah right. I don’t believe that,” he says.
He then wants me to prove it with a guitar. Although I was happy to prove him wrong, it was kind of shaming or demeaning I felt.
I get the guitar and play the song; he’s impressed.
Becky wants to let them here the other songs we’ve done so we play Glorious again on the playlist. I don’t feel good about this for at least one reason: I don’t want them to be jealous that we did the other songs for her dad and then expect us to do the same for them. Becky says it’s better not to hide and just be open. I don’t argue and am fine with it.
Dad says something to Becky while I’m in the other room, I’m guessing something like, “They should probably keep their day jobs…” I hear Becky say, “No, they did great. It was really special to me.”
And then silence.
I come back in the room and see Becky changing the music playlist.
I knew it. I ask Becky, “Was it shame?” She nods her head.
I feel frustrated. I feel squashed down. I feel sad. I feel resentment. I feel confused as to why my dad would want to push me down like that and not just be happy for the talents I’m trying to share.
Is it insecurity?
Is it jealousy?
I don’t know for sure; but I know how it makes me feel and it’s too familiar.
It reminds me of after baseball games when I thought I’d played pretty well and he’d be quick to point out what I didn’t do or what I could have done better.
It reminds me of myself with Caleb too.
This is something I must change in the culture of my family. This is something I must surrender to God today and ask for His help.
I feel the other reason I didn’t want Beck to play the other songs is because, subconsciously, I knew this was going to happen. I knew he’d say something demeaning eventually. And I think I was trying to protect myself, protect Becky, Mandy, and the kids. At least this is what I feel was happening – I’m not sure.
So, that’s my surrender.
I don’t know how to address it with him or if I even need to at this point, but I wanted to write it out so I can recognize the feelings I have – feelings that I have always buried in the past.