What does it take to recover from sexual addiction?

2nd Meeting with Adam Moore

Today was my second official meeting with Adam Moore by myself. We discussed the assignment he’d given me from our last meeting – make a list of the messages I’ve received from my parents throughout my life.

As we read through the messages I’d written down, he just chuckled – especially when I shared with him how Dad had responded to my email about insecurities.

The three main ideas we came up with about my feelings were:

1. Feelings are supposed to be ignored or pushed onto someone else
2. If I point out other people’s flaws, I don’t have to focus on my own stuff
3. The only thing that matters is how people perceive me

We also wrote down “I’m a fake trophy to be shown off.” But this was closely related to #3.

His advise today was to share these feelings with Mom and Dad in a nice way, let them know it’s things I’ve discovered as I work through my recovery, and that I’m setting up boundaries for these feelings: if I hear things that bring them to the surface, I’m going to call them what they are.

The more I bring them to light, the less pain and resentment they will cause – the less power they’ll carry.

Ironically, I’ll get to practice this this weekend when we head to visit them for Easter.

I want to make some time now to connect with God.

I want to have a good study.

What does it take to recover from sexual addiction?

Yesterday, while Becky and the two oldest went to the Provo Temple dedication, I stayed home with the younger three and started reading “What Can I Do About Him Me?” again. It is interesting to read it now, knowing both Steven and Rhyll and understanding recovery a bit better.

This part stuck out to me as I was reading now:

“…I was determined to find out whether it was truly God’s will. I had to be in a place where I was connected with God so that I could be sensitive to where He was directing me.” (p. 34)

In other words, if I want to know God’s will for me today and if I want to follow His will for me, I have to be in a place where I am connected to Him and then be sensitive to what He’s trying to tell me. Otherwise, it’s just my will that I’m doing, not His. Otherwise, I don’t even really know His will for me in the moment.

What recovery requires: total submission to God’s will and complete trust in His plan. (p. 35)

[recovery] includes recognizing and admitting to being an addict, setting appropriate boundaries to protect against future acting out, learning to cope with life in healthy and appropriate ways, being willing to work on recovery daily, and changing the underlying behaviors that cause the individual to seek out pornography. (S.A Lifeline Foundation, 42)

In the reading Rhyll breaks down Addict Actions vs. Addict Behaviors and Recovery Actions vs. Recovery Behaviors.

Addict Actions vs. Addict Behaviors – Recovery Actions vs. Recovery Behaviors

Addict Actions	Addict Behaviors	Recovery Actions	Recovery Behaviors
viewing pornography masturbation engaging in any other sexual relationship outside of marriage	being dishonest acting like a victim being emotionally disconnected hiding being easily angered minimizing denying blaming showing lack of empathy	attending 12-Step meetings going to therapy working the steps reading about recovery	being honest being respectful showing kindness being accountable being patient emotionally available     (p. 36)

I really appreciate this too:

Having made many mistakes, I can look back now and understand that the key to making wise choices, whatever our situation may be, is becoming educated, taking some time, and asking for and relying on inspiration from God.

Why does my wife need recovery from the trauma I’ve caused?

I feel this statement is an answer to the question on whether wives should work their own recovery from the trauma we’ve caused:

What if I choose not to work my own recovery?

It is certainly an option, and I can choose that option. Many of us who go through this trauma are unwilling to look at ourselves and acknowledge that, as imperfect human beings, we have character traits that we can improve. Not working on our own recovery may leave us thinking that our problems are all his fault!

What is frightening and concerning to me about this principle is that if we do not learn how to become healthy and recover, we will likely make the same mistakes over and over. We will tend to attract the same kind of people…

Women working their recovery, on the other hand, begin to understand themselves better. They learn that whatever the outcome of their marriage, they can choose to be healthy and find a measure of joy. Recovery requires work. It takes time to attend our support groups, call our sponsors, and become humble, honest and accountable in all areas of our lives. But we find that our self-confidence increases and our ability to keep ourselves safe by setting appropriate boundaries gives us more courages and hope for the future.

I’m grateful for this study today.

I also read a couple talks from LDS.org, well, read one and listened to another.

[Our children] need to know the dangers of pornography and how it overtakes lives, causing loss of the Spirit, distorted feelings, deceit, damaged relationships, loss of self-control, and nearly total consumption of time, thought, and energy.

As we counsel with our children, together we can create a family plan with standards and boundaries, being proactive to protect our homes with filters on electronic devices.

I want to be helpful in this cause.

I want to live in recovery one day at a time.

I want to be honest, humble and accountable today.

I look forward to living in recovery and surrendering my will to God.

Hasta luego!

Nate