I’m sure we’ve all heard of the concept of surrender as we’re going to meetings and trying to work the steps of recovery from addiction. But have you ever had the question – “What does surrender really mean?” Or “How do I practice surrender on a day to day, moment to moment basis?”
I know these questions have come to me before and still do occasionally.
In Rhyll Croshaw’s book, “What Can I Do About Him Me?” she talks quite a bit about surrender:
The first three steps of the program are all about accepting, believing in and surrendering to God.
The first three steps are often a daily process of learning to surrender my will to God through believing in His great power. For most of us, surrendering our will to God is one of the most difficult things we may ever do. One spiritual leader has said:
The submission of one’s will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God’s altar. The many other things we “give,”…are actually the things He has already given or loaned to us. However, when you and I finally submit ourselves, by letting our individual wills be swallowed up in God’s will, then we are really giving something to Him! It is the only possession which is truly ours to give!”
I have discovered that surrendering is an emotional, physical and spiritual process directing me to God. I can’t merely say that I will surrender my fear. I have to work through these steps daily.
If the surrender process isn’t firmly in place, it’s rather easy for me to go to a place of fear…Fear is easy. To deal with those feelings of fear and maintain peace in my life, the surrender process is essential.
Fear. Fear is what has been a root cause of my wanting to numb, hide, isolate, detach, and ultimately go down the path of lust and acting out. This has been the case my whole life if I’m honest with myself. Fear is the opposite of faith and to have faith, I have to do things that I can’t see but that I believe in. Surrendering my will is one of those practices.
And, to me, surrender is a practice. It’s just like hitting a baseball, shooting a free-throw, playing the guitar, or whatever hobby or interest one wants to get better at – practice is crucial.
But how do I practice surrender? What does that look like?
Rhyll goes on to talk about the process of surrender:
- On my knees
- On the phone
- In the box (or Write it down)
On my knees is pretty straightforward – I have to reach out to God, my higher power, and ask for His help in the moment. I have to show a level of trust that He is listening and that He will help me. This could be a 3rd Step Prayer, a simple, “God, I can’t do this – please help me,” or a more formal thank you and request.
For me, practicing the chin-up approach – looking at everyone from the chin up (or from the feet down in some cases), has been a practice of “on my knees” over and over again. I CAN’T do this on my own. I CAN’T. But as I ask for His help, He is there to help EVERY TIME. The simple prayer of, “God, I know I’m in a dangerous place (the mall, the grocery store, or wherever there are lots of people). Please help me keep my chin-up and be aware of my surroundings.”
That’s it. Recognizing and surrendering to Him.
On the phone takes more humility in my opinion. I have to actually reach out to someone – be vulnerable – admit that I need other people to help me. I feel like the culture I’ve grown up in is all about “What can I DO?” It’s not about asking others for help. So reaching out, whether via a text or a call or both, is difficult but so essential.
In the Big Book of AA it says this:
Particularly was it IMPERATIVE to work with others. (14)
To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends-this is an experience you MUST not miss. (89)
I know I MUST get along without liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?” Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. (152)
We alcoholics see that we MUST work together and hang together, else most of us will finally die alone. (563)
Finally, write it down. I’ve found that writing out my feelings, emotions, fears, and frustrations has been one of the most therapeutic practices I’ve ever done.
There have been times where I’m not even sure what I’m thinking or feeling. I start to write, and my mind seems to open up and things come out that I’d never thought of. Sharing my writing with my wife, with a sponsee, or with other friends can also help me get additional perspective and awareness.
I’m grateful for Rhyll’s breakdown of surrender.
I’m grateful to be aware that surrender is an essential part of long-term recovery.
As I heard at UCAP:
If you want to go fast [through the steps and back into addiction], go alone.
If you want to go long, go together.
For me I only recently figured out what surrender means to me. For a long time I had never even heard of it and then I didn’t know how to put it into practice, luckily I had some great SAL friends help me understand. To me surrender means that I pray for guidance and help then I reach out to someone (this is really new for me) then I write it out. I don’t always write but I have found that I have better success if I do.
Amen Devin! Surrender was only introduced to me via SAL about a year or so ago. Before that, I’d been in the “white-knuckle” process even though I had a sponsor through another group.
What’s interesting to me is that there are so many examples of “surrender” in the scriptures too; they just seemed to get brushed over in church discussions (at least that’s the way it seems to me). One of my favorite examples is the Ammonites. Those guys went further than just writing things down – they gave their lives as an example that they were willing to give up the sword.
What I’m also grateful for is that as we continue to go to other group meetings, the sharing of surrender concepts can resonate with those who are really looking for a way out. I’ve realized it’s not my job to fix anyone except me; but I can share what I’m learning about reaching out, surrendering, and long-term recovery in hopes that I can implement Step 12 one day at a time.
I’m glad to be your friend in recovery.
I am brand new to the recovery process, and still learning. I’m learning to surrender which has been a difficult process. Just surrendering enough to admit that I could not change on my own was extremely difficult. I had to work through my own pride and anger and fear. I really hated the idea of committing to going to weekly meetings long term, or talking about my emotions at all it felt so awkward. But now I’m gaining so much insight and strength from others in recovery. Now long term sobriety, via, recovery is starting to look like a real possibility, instead of a losing battle. I am learning to be less selfish,and trust more in God, and for the first time in my life I am not hiding from my shame. By surrendering my will to God I have been able to surrender my shame and fear as well and it is giving me the strength to accomplish more than I ever have on my own!
Thanks for the comment Levi and welcome to the discussion and to the recovery process. I feel I’m still learning too and I’ve been working on this for quite some time now.
Surrender, however, has been a fairly new concept and way of thinking that I’m grateful to have discovered via the SAL program and through reading recovery books. It is hard to admin that I can’t change or overcome this addiction on my own. It did (and still does at times) cause me anger, fear and frustration. But I’ve found that as I’m practicing surrender on a day to day basis, it’s like anything else: there comes a time when the practice is actually enjoyable. Today has been one of those days. I’ve had lots of negative or unsure feelings. So I tried to “practice what I preach” by surrendering.
It’s amazing how praying and asking for help and then writing things out the best I know how can bring such a peace and relief. I still have the same things I have to do today, but I feel much more connected to God and am able to breathe a bit easier.
I’m glad to know you and am grateful that surrender is something we can all learn how to do better one day at a time.
Talk soon.
I’ve had a hard time with this concept of surrender. In terms of surrendering lust in the moment, or maybe even surrendering negative emotions, I like to think of it more as that I don’t have a right to do it. I am surrendering my right to do it. I see an attractive woman and I want to lust. Surrender means telling myself that I don’t have a right to lust. It is taking from and using her. It is damaging to me and my family. It is against God’s will. So, even though I might want to do it, rather than fight that urge, I need to give it up/over to God and others.
Thanks Sam. I’d like to understand what you mean more. I guess the hard thing for me to grasp is I feel (and maybe this is my addict mind thinking) I have the “right” to do whatever I want; however, the consequences of my choices will be manifest in a variety of ways. These consequences can come in a loss of trust – both from my wife, my kids, and even being able to trust in myself.
They can come in a loss of the Spirit to guide me in my career and all my decisions.
They can come in slips, relapses, and hitting a “rock bottom” I never thought I’d ever hit – all of these things leading to additional shame, regret, remorse, depression, anger, fear, etc.
But, to me, I have the agency to choose which way I’m going to face. The problem with addiction is that it’s been robbing me of my agency for so long that at times I haven’t really even known what I want and what is the best way to face.
As I’ve come to understand surrender more, I’ve realized that I have to be aware of what I’m thinking, feeling and doing. I have to be aware of my surroundings all the time – I can’t coast or just “go through the motions” of recovery/sobriety.
Lust is a difficult concept: the opportunity to practice lust can be wherever I look. For me, surrendering those natural man tendencies is a “right” I have, it’s a choice, and the consequences of that choice have brought so much relief and peace.
Telling myself all the things I shouldn’t be doing, in my experience, is white-knuckling it and ultimately, that’s never worked for me at all. Focusing on what I can do has been so much more helpful.
I look forward to ongoing conversation about this topic. Thanks for your insight.
What I mean is that rather than chomping at the bit but restraining myself (fight, white knuckling), or going on autopilot (flight, running with the temptation), I have to decide I don’t want it. I am giving it up. Let’s say there is a piece of cake on the counter. I can sit there and salivate, and eye it, and pat myself on the back for not actually eating it (fight). I can just start eating it without a thought (flight). Or, I can say to myself and others (including God), that although a part of me wants to eat that cake, which is natural, I know that it is unhealthy for me so I am choosing to give it up. If I have a weight problem, or some other health problem (liken this to addiction), then, it is even more imperative that I not eat the cake. In that case, I might even say I don’t have the right to eat the cake. I don’t have the right to damage my body, to risk dying and leaving my family, etc. Sure, I can do it, but, it isn’t right. I need to choose actively to give it up. To know it isn’t good for me. Like in AA, they talk about being allergic to alcohol. They might want to drink but they know they can’t. They just have to accept that they can’t, and go on with life. So, I’m walking around the store, or church, and see attractive women. A part of me wants to take in the lust, which is natural (I’m a man with testosterone). But, it is damaging to me and my family, offends the Spirit, etc. Given my condition (addiction), it is even more dangerous. I have to realize that and give up the right to take in that lust. Turn my will over to God, and others.
One way of thinking about it, in philosophy, is that we have first-order desires (I want to do this or that), and second-order desires (I wish I didn’t want to do this or that). Lust is a first-order desire. In some senses my desire to lust is out of my control. It is biological. It is promoted by thoughts put in my head by Satan. Etc. But, my orientation to that desire to lust IS up to me. I can decide to endorse it or not. I’m advocating that we decide not to endorse it. Rather than wishfully thinking about lusting, but still abstaining, we seek to no longer wish to lust, even though those thoughts/emotions may come at times no matter what (because we are mortal biological beings living in this world). Instead, we decide we accept ourselves for being beings who lust, but, we wish we didn’t lust, we know it is unhealthy, so we give it up. We turn it down. We say, “no thanks.” We are okay turning down the cake, and eating some fruit or something delicious but healthy like that.
Am I on the right track here or not? I welcome feedback.
My take is a bit more secular in nature, but it aligns with a bit of what Sam is saying. Lust is not quite a first-order desire, like hunger is, but is a fast follower to attraction. Biological attraction is hard-wired into us to varying degrees (you can search for the Kinsey Scale if you’re interested in what that looks like), and it includes senses like sight and smell. However, the trigger of attraction—which I will argue vehemently is NOT something any kind of devil or god can/does influence—is then primed to access secondary feelings like lust, especially for those of us who use lust as our drug of choice. That is why we are allergic to lust, not attraction. Lusting is a choice, not a right, but can essentially become an almost automatic response through repetition and unbridled action (aka addiction).
Whenever I indulge in lust, I allow my biology and my perceptions to form the precursors for physical action through mental imagery. Whenever I surrender lust, I am choosing a path that allows my biology and previous negative patterns to be appropriately understood (through mindfulness practice), appropriately diffused, and the real emotions that lust was used to circumvent/numb to be experienced in full.
The depths of surrender are tantamount to the strength of the initial attraction and any lusting. If I see someone attractive through no intent of my own, activities like chin-up and mindfully addressing my attraction on the spot are typically sufficient surrender methods for me – otherwise I would be texting/calling/journalling almost every other minute of the day if some deeper form of surrender was required. However, anything stronger or longer lasting than that definitely requires the steps Nate outlines, because surrender to someone else is a process that is connecting and meaningful – things that the lack thereof are at the root of all addiction.
I have also found that surrendering strong emotions of all kinds, not just sexual triggers, is an important aspect of the practice of surrender. Again, it’s about connecting us and bringing us out of isolation, both in our times of weakness AND in our joys and successes. All emotion deserves a place in our lives, and sharing it is the best way to own it.
Hey Sam,
Thanks for the ongoing discussion. I don’t know that I have a really clear answer at this point. I guess a few additional thoughts come to mind for me:
1. If I’m really striving to do God’s will and surrender my will to Him, eventually my entire disposition to “want” those things – those lustful desires – will progressively go away. This, to me, is progressive victory over lust. However, if I still allow myself to dabble, to justify by saying, “Well, I’m just a natural guy, that’s what we do…,” to look and then slap myself on the wrist (shame or fight it), or whatever other excuse I use (and trust me, I’ve used all those and quite a few others), then I’m not really surrendering to God at all – I’m still following my own will and I’m white-knuckle sober. Sure, it takes practice, but, for me, recovery has to be just what the Big Book says:
2. I don’t think that lust and attraction are the same thing. Attraction is a biological thing, but, to me that’s not really the issue when it comes to lust and then acting out in porn. Lust is a decision. Lust is a coping mechanism. I may try to justify it by saying, “I can’t help but look if there’s an attractive woman (or women) around.” But, honestly, that’s a lie. I have thought those very things and it can be tempting to fall back into those thought patterns. Surrendering my will to God in relation to those situations when I’m around a lot of people goes like this for me:
I recognize where I’m at and what may be around.
I ask God to help me practice the chin-up approach (because, for me, that’s what I feel He wants me to do).
I practice, practice, practice!
I may continue to ask God to help as I see red-flags.
And I get out of the situations as quickly as I can.
Again, I don’t have it down to a perfect science. But I feel that as I practice this process, it has gotten easier and the urges to look at other women, to lust after them or to let thoughts lurk in my mind and gone away.
Just my two cents.
In talking with one friend about the topic of surrender, he said this:
“Surrender doesn’t mean we are weak. It means that, through God, we become empowered to do things we couldn’t do on our own. As we surrender, we gain strength.”
Look forward to ongoing discussion. Thanks for the comments and feedback.
For years, I have lived with two options: Fight or Flight. Neither option left me with peace. I have learned to run from my feelings, or fight them. Surrender is the beautiful middle ground. The Ammonites didn’t fight neither did they run.
When I began recovery, I though surrender was just about surrendering my temptations and lusts. Now I am learning that surrender is a willingness to feel my emotions and not run from them. It requires me to be humble when I am angry, and brave when I am hurt. Journaling is huge. Reaching out is huge. When I share from the heart, the power of the anger, or shame, fear or resentment dissipates.
Recently, I lost a sister-in-law to cancer. I think of my brother and their young son, I think of the lonely nights and the emptiness ahead of them. It is more than I can bare, it breaks my heart to think about them hurting. So… I find myself once again running from those feelings. sometimes intentional, many times habit. Seems like I was having success at surrendering anger,resentment and lust but this sadness… man that is uncomfortable and I don’t want to feel it. Can I pick and choose what I surrender? No! I surrender my right to run from all my feelings. Because of the years of avoiding and not listening to my feelings, I have only noticed them when they boil over. to regain that sensitivity, it requires me working on it, even if I don’t want to. That too is surrender.
Amen Jared. I like the “Fight or Flight” concept: if I fight I’m practicing white-knuckling, most often on my own, in anger or fear, and it’s only a short-term fix at best. If I take flight or run from my feelings or stuff them or ignore them, that is the perfect recipe for acting out – it’s just a matter of when and how bad.
BUT, if I surrender, that peaceful middle ground, I am choosing to connect with God as I understand Him, with others through reaching out, and ultimately with myself. Like you said, “the willingness to feel my emotions and not run from them.”
That’s a hard concept and has often been one I don’t want to hear. But today I’m so glad to at least understand what it means and try to practice it in the moment.
One thing I’ve learned from my wife, something she hears Rhyll say all the time, is “pain leads to progress.” Sitting and feeling and recognizing emotions can hurt; but the willingness to let go and let God is where the progress starts showing up.
Thanks for your comments and friendship. See you tonight where we can share more about surrender.
The first quote about being submissive is what I think of when I think of surrendering. The first time I really surrendered was just before my mission. I had a relapse after I received my mission call, and my Bishop had me read Mosiah 3:19 about becoming “submissive as a child.” This was before the recovery program was well known. But I know my Bishop was inspired to discuss that scripture with me, because it taught me to rely on the Lord, turn to Him, trust Him, and allow Him to help me become and stay worthy to serve a mission. That was my longest period of sobriety. Now that I have been in the recovery program, I am relearning what it means to be submissive, or surrender, and I hope to improve on it as I have a long way to go. I know it is the only way for me to recover, and be healed. To surrender is the only way I will know how to apply the saving grace of the Atonement in my life, and obtain a stronger relationship with my Savior. It is also the only way to strengthen my relationship with my wife, children, family, and others. Because when I surrender my feelings, it is when I can truly be myself, instead of the addict.
Thanks Doug. I appreciate the comment and insight.
One thing I feel is different for me about confessing to my bishop(s) and this process of surrender is that, when I confessed to my bishop(s), I had a tendency to minimize or even rationalize in my head what had really happened. And usually, what I was confessing or surrendering to him was the C’s in the A > B > C relationship (A = Negative Emotions > B = Lust > C = Acting Out in Pornography, Masturbation, etc.). I don’t remember ever surrendering my negative emotions or lust to a Bishop.
For me, today, surrender is more about the A’s and B’s (mostly the A’s). If I’m feeling sad or mad or angry or embarrassed or frustrated or anxious or resentful, I can ask for God’s help to lighten the feeling, I can reach out to my sponsor and others who understand real recovery, and I can write down my feelings ; I strive to understand what I’m feeling, why I’m feeling that way, and what next steps I can take.
Also, if I’m in a triggering situation with the B’s of addiction – Lust – it’s mandatory for me to first, recognize my surroundings, second, reach out to God and others for support in the moment, and finally, get out of the situation as quickly as I can.
I agree that surrender is the way to access the Savior’s Atonement in a much deeper way. I also feel that surrender in this format is not a once-in-a-while process (like confessing to a Bishop); instead, it’s a day to day, even moment to moment practice that is something that’s on my mind often.
Thanks again for your share and for reaching out.
Everything said has hit home for me 100% on one level or another. I believe that surrender- which I make ZERO claims to be a master of- is where the rubber hits the road for recovery. It is the moment to moment access to freedom from lust. For me surrender has to include someone else, sometimes maybe that is only God, but I do recognize that the problem with always only turning to God is that it can in many cases, be an attitude of the addict, not the recovering addict, as it still keeps me from having to share with another person who I can have real, physical interaction with, and thus is a form of isolation. A sponsor, or even a ready and strong spouse is a must. My question I want to put out there is wen do you guys turn to God only and then feel it needed to turn to someone else too?
Look forward to all your thoughts.
Thanks Cameron. I believe this too – surrender is where the rubber meets the road. And I’m going to take it a step further – I feel that surrender is what really differentiates between sobriety and recovery.
When I had some “sobriety” before, I didn’t really reach out to anyone, I didn’t write things down, especially emotions, and my surrender to God was more of a checklist item than real supplication for His help in the moment.
Although today I don’t have things totally figured out, I’m still a work in progress, I am grateful to understand a bit more about what surrender means and how I can implement it moment to moment.
Thanks for the insight Cameron!
As far as your question, I think this is a great one to bring up in discussion. I’ll see what I can get together for tomorrow or Tuesday. Stay tune…
Here are a few of my thoughts. In the White Book I’ve read about how recovery for me is going to be doing things that are unnatural. Everything about recovery can be uncomfortable. Being honest. Giving up and surrendering our will to God. Giving up control. Admitting we’re wrong. Taking the time to go to meetings. Reaching out. Sharing our feelings. Letting people row their own boat. Rowing our own. Recognizing ALL our negative emotions. A big part of me still looks at all this and says, “that sounds like absolute hell.” The miracle of it all for me is that this is where all my healing and progress in recovery has come from. Doing the uncomfortable things. Surrender is basically living all the steps. Getting honest, admitting we’re wrong, connecting with others, connecting with God. It’s unnatural, but that’s precisely why I do it. With practice, as Nate mentioned above, this will become a more natural process for me with time. There are times that I’ve gotten upset at myself that I don’t WANT to do it more. All I know now is that it works. When I truly work the steps of surrender, that is when I truly am living in recovery.
Amen Sean! Doing things that are unnatural is synonymous with living a “new normal.”
Honesty is hard, especially for the addict me.
Giving my will to God and reaching out to others, especially the reaching out to others, can be really hard and vulnerable.
Recognizing ALL my negative emotions (that seems overwhelming at times) – that’s hard stuff that I don’t always want to do.
I look forward to when the practice of surrender is second nature to me. I feel it is getting easier but I have lots of practice to fine tune when, how, and in what ways I surrender different things.
I agree that the practice of surrender – to God, to another in recovery and to myself via writing – is the pathway to long-term, real recovery.
Thanks Sean!
I feel this is a great answer I found tonight while looking through some recovery stuff:
Thoughts on this? I feel it’s a pretty straight forward answer.
Brilliant! We cannot participate at all. I am really at this realization at this very moment. In my nightly check-ins with my wife I admitted I had a problem with objectifying women in movies and tv, even though i haven’t been with women I see out and about. I felt I guess, that since they aren’t real, and it’s thrown in my face, then it’s all good. I know the rationalization is pathetic, but I’m an addict so what do you expect! I bring this up to 1. surrender this desire and admit my weakness to the group and 2. to say this is one of those areas for me where I cannot participate safely, no matter how I minimize it, and that may mean heavily sensoring movies and tv for an indefinite amount of time. That sucks, but like it said, if I can’t except this I’m doomed, and I’m tired of being doomed.
It’s all about “stop and stay stopped.”
When things first came out fully about the big mistakes I’d made, I was introduced to the article by Elder Scott called “Personal Strength Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.” It’s all about the Ammonites who buried their weapons of rebellion.
It caused me to ask myself: “What are my weapons of war? And am I really ready to bury them?”
Here’s a list of my weapons of war. These are the things I’ve let go of which have helped me stay far away from the cliffs of addiction and pain.
If I ever feel tempted to unbury these weapons, I know my addict mind is kicking back in and I have to surrender those feelings immediately if I want to maintain any level of sobriety and recovery. It’s that simple.
I agree that I can’t “participate in this safely.”
Thanks for the comment Cameron.
Thanks to my friend Jared for sharing this from the Rowboat ebook:
“The very first thing I learned in recovery was that I had lost the war, or more precisely, every single battle I ever engaged in, because I did not understand that my addiction truly was more powerful than I was. When I fought it, it fought back with ten times more ferocity. I simply could not win. I could only surrender—not to the addiction, mind you, but to God. It was in surrendering, however, that I found victory.”
It reminds me of the “fight or flight” comment from another Jared – if I try to fight this addiction I will lose. But if I ignore it, I’ll lose as well. Being aware, surrendering to God and others, and being honest with myself is the only way to real recovery – and it’s a day to day process.
Glad we are all working on this together!