I’ve been thinking a lot lately about sponsorship and how to help both myself and my sponsees continue working recovery after they’ve finished the steps for the first time, AND how to help those who aren’t in 90-Day ARP get started and on a schedule of recovery and working the steps.
I had a good call yesterday with one of my friends in recovery who shared with me a few things his sponsor had told him when they started working together. Basically the sponsor made the potential sponsee commit to doing a few things:
- Daily phone call
- Daily submission of step work in the morning (not sure what constitutes step work but something – either from the 90 day program or from Step Into Action or 12 Steps & 12 Traditions)
Breaking…I just got an email from a sponsee, a good friend of mine, and his words helped me really come to and gave me insight on what I feel effective sponsorship is going to look like for me moving forward, both for myself as a sponsee and for all my sponsees if they want to work with me. Here’s what came out:
Hey [Sponsee],
First off, this is GREAT! I’m happy that you’ve been able to dig and ask yourself hard questions – some of which don’t necessarily have a right answer or you have already answered the question with a change you need to make.
I also like how you wrote out what you are feeling in the present moment. This is a practice I am doing and want to continue doing. The more I write, the more I realize what I’m feeling – it’s a weird correlation.
I do feel a bit anxious with the fact that I don’t hear from you that much. It is a problem I’ve been thinking about for sometime and how I’m going to address it, both with you and other sponsees I’m working wtih. For this reason, I like the 90 Day ARP program – accountability and structure. Without those, what good is sponsorship really?
For me, sponsorship can’t be just a place where a sponsee dumps his feelings from time to time. Sponsorship, the real effective kind, has to be based on the following:
1. Daily morning step work: for me, this has to be scheduled, especially at first. It has to be a “new normal.” Any excuse will do, but if real recovery is a desire, step work has to be THE priority.
2. Daily ongoing surrender in the moment: this, too, is a MUST. I often tell sponsees that if they aren’t texting me or checking in during the day, they are flat out lying that they don’t have negative emotions or triggers, or they just aren’t aware yet. Without awareness, relapse is going to happen. If lying is part of the problem, they are already in addict mode in my opinion and the slip is only a matter of time.
3. Daily nightly journaling and gratitude: I want to see this too. Realization of feelings, emotions, and God’s hand in your life; acknowledging what you’re learning and feeling and doing that’s GOOD, not what you’re NOT doing. I feel a red-flag of recovery and sobriety is making all these “I’m NOT going to do this, I’m NOT going to do that…” What ARE you going to do to recovery? That’s the better question to me.
4. Ongoing feedback, digging, and awareness of where we are in the present moment: This is kind of a repeat of 3 and 4, but I feel this one applies to both the sponsor and the sponsee. If my sponsor isn’t willing to take my calls or never gives me feedback or encourages me to dig more, I need to look for a different sponsor. If my sponsees never ask me questions or feel they have it all figured out, they may not need me as a sponsor because, to me, they don’t understand what sponsorship is and what recovery looks like.
This was a bit of a rant, but it’s been on my mind and I feel your email really helped pull it out of me. Thank you sincerely.
Look forward to ongoing communication.
Talk soon.
So, there you have it.
I’m excited to be a part of SA-L and help in whatever way I can.
Hasta luego!
Nate
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