Sobriety vs. Recovery…is there really a difference?
I’ve thought this many times, and I’ve talked about it with a few friends in recovery from sexual addiction too.
So the discussion is this:
What is the difference between recovery and sobriety?
Or is there a difference?
I think the question is one that needs to be addressed. I think there is a misconception, especially in some addiction recovery programs, about what sobriety and recovery look like – some may even say they are one and the same.
For this reason, I’d like to discuss the similarities and differences I’ve found and get your feedback.
What is Sobriety?
The White Book defines sobriety:
“…for the married sexaholic, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the spouse. For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind. And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust…True sobriety includes progressive victory over lust.” (p. 197-198)
It also states:
Everything begins with sobriety. Without sobriety, there is no program of recovery. But without reversing the deadly traits that underlie our addiction, there is no positive and lasting sobriety. (p. 77)
In my opinion, sobriety can be simply a form of white-knuckling and not working recovery at all. The White Book seems to agree:
We may even find ourselves cruising the old haunts or flirting-for no special reason, of course. Maybe I’ll just be swept off my feet and overwhelmed, so I won’t be responsible, we think. Such attitudes can persist in sobriety. (p. 71)
Possible indications of being “white-knuckle sober” from my experience:
- attending meetings occasionally or thinking I have no need to go to meetings all the time anymore (this was me at one point in my “sobriety”)
- not working the steps daily or maybe at all
- completing the steps and thinking all is well, “I’m good…,” “Check that one off the list…”
- not having a sponsor who is working their own recovery actively
- having a sponsor to check it off my list but never talking to them, checking in, or working steps together
- expecting my sponsor (or bishop or wife) to reach out to me and see how I’m doing
- pushing blame on past sponsors (or bishops or wife) for why I’m not sober or in recovery
- continuing to “lust like a gentleman” with no real plan of action to stop and stay stopped
- continuing to practice addictive behaviors without either a conscious awareness that they are there, or a blatant disregard for them
As it says in the White Book:
Sexual sobriety opens the door to recovery, where the healing begins. (p. 39)
What is Recovery?
For me, a by-product of recovery has to be sobriety, but there’s much more for a person that’s in real recovery from sexual addiction.
Put plainly:
Recovery is more than mere sobriety. (p. 87)
Real recovery from sexual addiction looks different. Here are some indications I’ve recognized:
- daily working the steps with a sponsor who has worked the steps
- attending meetings consistently – possibly multiple meetings
- sponsoring others
- nightly accountability to spouse and/or sponsor
- progressive victory over lust through surrender in the moment and reaching out to others in recovery
- awareness of negative emotions I’m feeling and the willingness to write them out, share them, and be vulnerable
- reading addiction recovery literature
- writing, writing, writing
- meetings, meetings, meetings
I’m grateful, today, for what I’m learning about sobriety and recovery.
I don’t have everything figured out.
The more I’m trying to live in recovery, the more I seem to recognize my own brokenness and need for a Higher Power to surrender to.
I look forward to discussion on this topic and hope that long-term recovery will be the ultimate goal in all our recovery meetings.
I really like this. I’d never even considered that there might be a difference or what that difference might look like. I do most of the “recovery” stuff except for working on the steps. I read them semi-regularly. I attend meetings. But I don’t really know what working them after “finishing” them would look like. It will be good to think about this. Thanks!
Hey Andrew, thanks for the comment.
For me, working the steps has taken on a new meaning as I’ve worked in the White Book of Sexaholics Anonymous, the Big Book of AA, and also the Step Into Action books by SA. They have helped me dig deeper and ask harder questions that I hadn’t thought about much before.
I feel that ARPSupport digs deeper too, which I really like.
Working Steps 1, 2, and 3 is all about the practice of surrendering in the moment – especially surrendering negative emotions and feelings that can be the core of my addictive actions.
Working Steps 10, 11, and 12 have become a “new normal” for me. They look like this:
– ongoing reading about recovery and healing, both from talks, addiction recovery literature, and the books I mentioned earlier
– writing in a journal to try to understand how I’m feeling in the moment and how I’m willing to deal with those feelings in positive ways
– sponsoring other people and sharing what I’ve learned, both in ARP Support and in a group called SA-Lifeline
– I know Mark has also mentioned doing a Step 4 again from time to time to see where I’m at today – because who I am today is luckily much different than when I did a Step 4 the first time
Hopefully this gives a bit more insight.
Talk soon.
This very thing has been on my mind this morning. For me I realize that I can often check in and out of recovery. Got my study in this morning. Alright then, back to life. Put whatever time I can spare into recovery and now it’s onto to whatever I need to do. It’s still unnatural for me in recovery to always be in recovery is what I’m discovering. Some of that is pride and the check-list mentality that I often had in my thousands of failed attempts at recovery before. Scripture Study. Check. Prayer. Check. Act out. Check. Wait what?! But that’s how it would happen. Going through the motions and checking items off the list never worked for me. I can’t continue to live life the way I’ve always lived it simply because I’m adding in meetings, getting a sponsor, reading my scriptures, and saying prayers. I need to be learning my new way of life through those tools rather than simply adding them into my current existence hoping that they will fix me.
I do this too Sean. A checklist mentality was one of my addictive behaviors and still can be if I’m not careful.
It’s ironic: when I was actively acting out in addiction, I’d read scriptures and then go immediately to Facebook and start browsing around. After all, I was a “good person” who’d just dedicated some time to spiritual stuff, now I needed to relax a bit…
The lie I told myself too many times and believed.
I look at recovery today as a PRACTICE, not an event or a checklist item. Just like practicing anything I love to do, recovery has to be something that’s on my mind or other more dangerous things will take it’s place.
Thanks for your comments and contributions to this discussion.
Both recovery and sobriety are fairly new to me. I never really considered the difference between the two until a few months ago when I heard the term “white knuckle sobriety”. That made me think that there was indeed a difference between recovery and sobriety, (I didn’t know the difference then) but I’ve learned that if I’m not reaching out, writing, working the steps etc. I’m not in recovery, I’m just in white knuckle sobriety. I’ve found that I seem to go back and forth in between the two, sometimes working my recovery every day and then slowly getting comfortable and slipping back into my addict ways. The more I attend meetings, work the steps and check in, the more I can tell when I’m in recovery and when I’m just “sober”.
Agreed Devin. It is a day to day process and it can be easy, if I’m not aware, to slip back into tendencies. What I’m grateful for today is that awareness. Even when I’ve been sober in the past, I wasn’t aware of the negative emotions and feelings and I would quickly slip right back into blaming and feeling shame and then numbing out with my drug of choice, be it lust, porn, masturbation, or whatever else.
I’m glad to be your friend and that we’re all learning about this stuff together.
For me there is a clear difference between the two. The difference is that sobriety is the illusion of controlling the body, when I am sober (when I have stopped engaging my addiction) it is an illusion that I am controlling my body for a time. If all I am doing is not engaging, I am white knuckling. Unless I go beyond that, unless I do more than take steps to not act out I will not be in recovery. And I will act out again and again and feel stuck.
My addiction is only a symptom of the real problems that are going on with me (inside my head). Stopping the addiction is merely hacking away at the branches when I need to uproot the entire tree.
Recovery is the mastering of my body and my soul, aligning myself with my true identity and with the will of my Higher Power. This require emotional healing. I need to address the reasons that I go to my addiction in the first place. When I live in recovery I am living impeccably honest. I take personal responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, and choices. I am humble, vulnerable, and teachable.
I do not want to downplay the importance of sobriety. In my experience I needed to gain a comfortable amount of sobriety in order to really begin the road to recovery. Recovery is a process, I will never be in a place where I have “made it” so to speak – this process is lifelong. And if I am truly living this way I will never choose to act out or lust again.
Scott, this comment reminds me of a recent Scout camp cheer I can’t get out of my head: “Nail, Hammer – NAILED IT!”
Thanks so much for your comment. This is exactly how I feel about what real recovery is. There is non “The End” or “I’ve arrived” until I’m dead, and even then I’ll probably need to be working on recovery in order to continue progressing. The moment I stop working recovery and making progress is the moment I begin to slip back into addictive behaviors and ultimately actions.
It’s like a quote I heard from a fellow addict in recovery: “The only way to coast is down hill.”
Thanks for your insight!
I actually see this as a 4-step or 4-level process. Level one is Abstinence. Level 2 is Sobriety. Level 3 is Recovery. Level 4 is Healing. As I close my eyes and picture each of these words, I see some slightly different images. I will expound below a little on each, and would love some feedback on them as to what you think about them:
Abstinence: As I envision this level, I see myself how I was for 30 plus years. Closing my eyes tightly, gritting my teeth harder, telling myself that I can’t be having these thoughts and just fighting and fighting… eventually giving in, whether it be after 1 minute of battle, or 1 month of battle (all of this battle being on my own, not reaching out to anyone except maybe a few heartfelt, but misguided prayers.. “Please…. I need to stop this!”.
Sobriety: In my minds eye, I see sobriety as being a step further down the healing path from abstinence. I see this as me, in the beginning few steps of working the program. I know that I am powerless over my addiction and that my life has become unmanageable. I also have hope that the power of God can restore me to complete spiritual health. I am now practicing my trust in God. It is halting at first and I am constantly trying to take it back and say things to myself when triggers happen like “I got this”, or “it’s not a major trigger, I can do this one on my own.” And although, I can remain sober with this, I am still working to do the minor things on my own.
Recovery: I have worked my steps, I have now tested and proven that I can have trust in God and rely on Him in every moment of the day. I am truly living one day at a time and turning my will and life over to Him each and every day. When triggers happen, no matter how small, I am immediately admitting that I am powerless over them and surrendering them to God, then moving on without a second thought. I am able to testify of the redeeming power of God and His Son in my life and recovery and truly be of assistance to others walking this path. I can then take them by the arm and guide them to the arm of God to take them where God has taken me. I still must be hyper vigilant in recovery and not become complacent.
Healing: As with a terminal disease, there may not ever be complete healing in this life. In fact, I propose that I will not find complete healing in my life, where I can just go and do whatever my natural man wants to do, because the natural man in me would never even desire to go back to where it went before. But I do believe that healing IS happening as I continue to live in recovery. But I must be diligent each and every day, pressing forward with steadfastness, enduring that which is put in my path, and serving others and walking with them until I am safely dead. That is when complete healing is sealed upon me and I am made whole.
I am grateful for this path that I walk. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, but I would not be in the place I am without having experienced this path.
Thanks Justin. I really like that break down. I haven’t thought much about the difference between recovery and healing. That is something I’ll want to think about more.
I do feel like what you said about abstinence and sobriety ring true to me. I was abstinent for about 2 months before I shared a full-disclosure with my wife about what was really going on. At that point, I started what I felt was more of a beginning level of sobriety. But as I’ve learned – sobriety takes time before I can really start feeling again. I think that I was sober for about 3 or 4 months before I really started feeling and understanding how the choices I had been making my whole life, and especially my married life, were affecting and harming my wife and family.
Recovery and healing, for me, go together. As I’m practicing recovery, the healing begins and it’s an ongoing practice. Without the practice of recovery, there is no real healing. Recovery is a choice I make one day and one moment at a time. Healing is a gift from God – only His grace is sufficient to heal all the damage I’ve done – both to myself and to those I love most.
Thanks for the great comment. I look forward to what others have to say about it too.
Hey Nate,
After that discussion post today I have a question. I don’t know how you do this but I just thought I’d submit it anyway.
I did the 90-day program and have been sponsoring for almost a year now. I assume others would have to be in the same boat as me with not really socially connecting with their sponsor, or not connecting in any way that made it desirable to keep contact after the 12 steps. I don’t mean that negatively, sometimes people just don’t click.
So, especially in the context of arpsupport, where we don’t choose our sponsors and possibly never meet them, is it important to continue to build a relationship with our sponsors? How do we continue to use our sponsors when the structure of the 90 days is long in the past?
I’ve socially connected with some of my sponsees and those situations are simple. But I’m assuming that isn’t always the case. I don’t expect my sponsor to reach out to me, but sometimes I wonder if I should still reach out to him – and if so, for what?
Do you think those are questions other people ask?
Hey Anonymous,
First off, I completely understand what you mean. My sponsor is ARP Support was great, but he lived across the country and we didn’t really get to know each other besides the weekly calls we had. I had no negative feelings towards him, but since the completion of the 90 day program, I’ve found another sponsor in another recovery meeting, SA Lifeline, who I know, I can see in person, and who I feel shares the same understanding about what long-term recovery really looks like.
What has been helpful for me, as I’ve sponsored others in 90 day ARP, is that many of them have been people I have met at group meetings where I live. They have asked if I would sponsor them and I direct them to Mark and the 90 day ARP program. This way, I know them, they know me, and we can work the steps together while at the same time meeting together for group recovery.
I do feel I have to be careful not to turn into a close friend who becomes afraid to share my real feelings about red-flags or call them out on things. But with time and experience, I’m learning to surrender the outcome to God and share what recovery has looked like for me.
I know first hand that some of my friends here have had the same question as you. Thanks for posting it.
Other thoughts ARP Support friends?
Thanks for this forum and the comments. This is my first time responding. I appreciate the topic and know there is definetly a difference between sobriety and recovery. I am sober 3 yrs. plus, but my recovery date is less than that. The white book talks about the dry drunk and how we can be sober, but not well. It also talks about dependency on the addiction.
I like to look at it as being in true recovery. This to me is when I am seaching at a core level to dig up and remove the deep roots to my addiction. These in my case include feelings of insecurity, wanting to please others by not living my truth, and issolation from the hard things in life. As I ponder on these, I come to small bits of truth and reality as I dig and expose these somewhat tender roots. I often don’t want to admit to the fact that my actions are driven by deep issues that in fact are core issues to my addiction.
I am convinced that as I continue to do the hard things (admit when wrong, be 100% honest an transparent) that my true recovery will progress. I, too, get compacent on my working the steps and say to myself I am OK, but deep down I know it only works when I work it.
Thanks for the comment, Dave, and welcome to the group.
Congratulations on the 3 years of sobriety! I recently read about the “dry drunk” and thought it pertained so much to this topic of sobriety vs. recovery.
For me, sobriety is more about not acting out in the addiction. Sobriety doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the negative emotions and feelings that lead to the addictive actions.
Recovery, on the other hand, is about digging deeper, and, like you said, “when [you] are searching at a core level to dig up and remove the deep roots to [your] addiction.”
Feelings!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the topic. I look forward to additional feedback about your recovery process.
This one hits close to home for me. There is definitely a difference between the two. You can meet the technical definition of sobriety while still flirting with lust. Going through the motions of white knuckling sobriety while not working for progessive victory over lust is serving two masters and not a genuine recovery. For an addict, you’re either working the steps, or you are not in recovery.
Thanks Brad. And I agree – flirting with lust, dabbling, isn’t really even sobriety to me. I went for quite some time saying I was “sober” while still entertaining lust the whole time. And the whole time, I thought, “well, that’s just natural, I can’t really stop looking at other women, it’s not that big a deal…” But it is a big deal. Makes me ask myself the question: If I’m an alcoholic, are some drinks OK and others completely off limits? NO – all alcohol is considered a relapse. So for us as sex addicts, or lustaholics, continuing to lust and lust like a gentleman isn’t even sobriety – it’s acting out in my addiction. Progressive victory over lust, as described to me by someone I respect a great deal in their own recovery, is that we stop and stay stopped, and, over time, the temptation will get less and less.
This question came up as well:
Here’s my two cents on that question:
My initial take on it is recovery is more of a process, not a hard date, at least for me. My sobriety date is 2/7/14 but it probably took me 3 to 6 months AFTER that to start to feel what recovery really was, and I would say I’m working on recovery today (yesterday doesn’t matter much and tomorrow doesn’t exist yet). So, for me, it’s harder to track when my recovery “date” is.
What does everyone else think about this question?
Since recovery and sobriety are different things – should we track our sobriety date or is there a way we can honestly track our recovery date?
I think that the very statement in the White Book of “progressive victory over lust” makes putting a hard date on recovery a little nebulous. I can, however, put a hard date on the last time I acted out, or crossed my first, prayerfully created, line of demarcation (sobriety date, or perhaps, from my comment above, this might be my abstinence date). But as you mentioned, Nate, recovery is a today thing. Yesterday doesn’t matter much, and tomorrow doesn’t exist. I am constantly working through recovery. Each day I should learn something new that might raise my bar of recovery a little higher. Because I learned that new thing and applied it to my life today, does that mean that I need to change my recovery date to today’s date? I don’t think so. But it does mean that I keep striving to do a little better today than yesterday, and a little better tomorrow than I did today. The whole “line upon line; precept on precept” thing comes to mind.
Amen Justin! One day at a time. I’ve often wondered what that really means and if it applies to just addicts or anyone. Here are some of the answers I’ve found:
– A New Week, A New Month, One Day at a Time
– Surrendering My Will to God One Day at a Time
– Living One Day at a Time in Recovery from Addiction
Thanks for your comment!
I didn’t know what the definition of true recovery was until about 10 months ago. I had been sober throughout periods of my life, the longest period being on mission and for about 14 months after that. I’ve only had several months of sobriety since then. I am so glad that I am finally working the steps, going to therapy, meeting bi-weekly with my Bishop, and being honest and transparent with my wife, for now I am finally starting real recovery. I tried for too long to fight this addiction alone, and that only brought temporary sobriety. Now that I am going to group meetings, and truly working the steps, I am finally on the path to true recovery, which is a change of heart. Sobriety does not transform me or my life. It is simply avoiding acting out while still desiring the addiction. I am working on completely changing my life, and feel the Atonement in my heart, and emotionally, rather than just intellectually. Obviously being sober is a part of being in recovery, but it is only a part of the larger process. Without recovery, sobriety does not usually last very long. I want to find lasting peace and healing through true recovery.
Thanks Doug. Good to hear from you. Recovery definitely is a complete change and a process, not an event. And I agree, without recovery (working the steps, meetings, sponsorship, surrender), sobriety won’t last long at all – at least it hasn’t for me for my entire life.
Thanks for the comment.
I recently took an online workshop with Adam Moore, and he puts it this ways. There are two modes you can be in: vigilance and eagerness.
Vigilance is about survival. Sobriety is the key focus. This is where we are typically at during early recovery, and should go back to in times of high risk, such as traveling.
Eagerness is about growth. Learning, developing, and healing self and relationships are the key focus. This is where we should move toward in late recovery, after establishing a period of sobriety.
If we shift to eagerness too soon, we end up getting ahead of ourselves and are not able to effectively maintain sobriety. It is also problematic to not shift back to vigilance as appropriate in times of need. However, if we stay in vigilance, we never truly recover, we just hang onto sobriety. To really recover we need to continually improve our character and relationships.
Thanks Sam. Is there a recording of that workshop somewhere that I could watch? For me, vigilance helps lead to eagerness and it would seem that vigilance, in this context, would be synonymous with sobriety and eagerness would be synonymous with recovery.
I’ve learned that I couldn’t really even feel anything for the first few months in sobriety. I wanted to feel, but I had been in such a funk for so long that everything was still numb for me.
As I really got involved in the steps and stay involved, the eagerness, or recovery, starts to come in little bits and pieces. Not every day is perfect, but if I’m present and aware, I can quickly surrender negative emotions, which are the root of my addiction to lust and acting out.
Hope I’m understanding what you (and Adam) are sharing. Look forward to discussing it more. Thanks for the comment!
Sheesh, I stopped following the blog for a week and missed out on one of the best conversations so far.
I love what has been said and it is all so true.
I love the idea that it is a progression that leads to healing.
1- Abstinence
2- Sobriety
3- Recovery
4- Healing
This has been perfectly true for me.
I began my journey just over a 18 months ago when I first disclosed my struggle to my wife. The next year was awful. I went to an ARP group, which helped, and I was abstaining, even though it was hard. Later I began therapy, also hard, and gained a bit of sobriety. And by a year into my sobriety, I was still struggling with the emotional turmoil I had heaped upon my marriage. I was living right and completely honest for the first time in my life but my marriage was still struggling and I kept wishing that I could just go back to the way things were before the disclosure. Then my wife prodded me (I went to my first SAL meeting kicking and screaming, I really didn’t want to go) into going to SAL, which has been good for. I think the biggest change it brought was finally letting go of my pride. Now I was finally beginning recovery, again not easy for me. Then finally I began to finally allow myself to let go of what I wanted , and allow my wife to feel hurt. And then a few months into recovery I read Berne Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection! That was when the healing finally started. It wasn’t her book that started the healing, it was a little of everything, but when I read that book I finally let down my guard and let go of so much pain and anger and all the broken and inappropriate coping mechanisms that had never really worked. Now I’m finally feeling the joy and healing that comes with the deep change that I have been afraid to commit to for so long. Life still isn’t easy, and my marriage still has a lot of bumps ahead, but we are working together finally and it has been a miracle, and I’m almost afraid to believe that it’s true and that I’m not going to ruin it. But now I have the tools I need to raise my bottom lines and rock bottom doesn’t have to be nearly as far down as it used to be. I love it and I can’t believe I’m saying that but it’s true I feel the change and joy that comes from recovery and healing and I love it.
Thank you guys for your support and openness. Your example and support has helped me so much. And Nate thanks for all the great work you do to support all of us.
I really appreciate all the comments in this discussion. There are a few analogies that I like to fall back on whenever I think about the differences between sobriety and recovery. Here are my favorites:
(There are a lot of other sailing comparisons possible, but I think the above will suffice.)
I have others, but these really sum it up for me.
Thanks J.R. Both those quotes really make sense to me. I read an article today about a way to self-assess my sobriety and liked this quote:
Instead of focusing on what I CAN’T do, I’m trying – one day and moment at a time – to focus on the positive things I CAN do to live in recovery right now.
I believe Recovery and Sobriety are hugely different.
Sobriety is when I am working the steps, going to meetings, have a sponsor, I’m not using. I’m not relapsing, I’m not slipping, (which are pretty much the same thing.)
Recovery is what happens after years of sobriety, when my brain has rewired and the chances of relapse are greatly lower than before. Yes there will always be the opportunity, I’m an addict. But the chances are that I’m not going to relapse.
In fact, for those who want the actual info I’m willing to post links, but some psychologists and scientists agree that real genuine recovery happens after 5 years of genuine legit sobriety (no slips, no relapses) because this is when the brain has finished detaching from addictive behaviors and has rewired itself. (doesn’t mean you wont ever relapse, that wiring is still there, it’s just not being used, but it’s a whole heck of a lot easier to switch back to it than someone who isn’t an addict.)
So being sober and staying sober, working the steps, all that jazz, is me working toward recovery. It doesn’t mean I’m IN recovery.
Thanks for that insight. I agree that they aren’t the same. Sobriety LEADS TO recovery.
In either the white book or big book it says, “without sobriety we have nothing to offer.”