I feel good today so far. It’s been a productive morning and I’ve felt very connected to Becky and the kids. It’s so nice to have her back. As we’ve been talking about recovery, something has reminded me of how important it is to realize that negative emotions are the core issue when it comes to sexual addiction, or any addiction for that matter.
It’s the A > B and B > C example: A – Negative Emotions leads to B – Lust which then triggers the C – Acting out via porn, masturbation, affairs, fantasy, or you name it.
I’ve realized again and again that if there are “A’s” that I’ve been stuffing or not even been aware of, I become a magnet to the “B’s” – they are EVERYWHERE I look – out the window, anywhere I go online can be triggering, thoughts come back, it’s a battle I can’t win.
But if I’m able to recognize my feelings, if I’m able to talk about them and surrender them to God, to a fellow in recovery, and to write them out – that magnetic force dissipates and I’m at peace.
The trick is to first, be able to recognize the feelings before they are too far stuffed down where I’m not even aware.
The trick is to have the faith and trust in my higher power to want to and be able to surrender them to others and myself.
If I’m afraid of work – I need to talk about it and write out the fear. Then I need to ask myself, “What is the next thing I can do?” Not, “What are all the things I need to do?” – this is too overwhelming. I just need to focus on the next thing, period.
I’ve found that if I procrastinate doing that next thing, the shame and additional negative feelings creep in even more. The concept of doing hard things applies. Sometimes I have to do hard things (like working on this dang Full Disclosure document). Sometimes the pain doesn’t seem worth it. But “pain leads to progress.”
What are the ways I can recognize my emotions?
5 Ways I’m Learning to Recognize My Emotions
1. Writing about my feelings
The more I write, the more I learn about myself. The writing can’t focus on others’ issues. It has to be about where I am right now in this present moment. I am learning to follow a pattern when I’m feeling off:
- What am I feeling right now in this moment? I just write out the feelings.
- Why am I feeling these things? I don’t blame others, I try to recognize my part in the feeling.
- What is the next step I can take to deal with the feeling in a positive way? Again, not ALL the steps, just the next one.
2. Prayer – asking for direction
I could be better at this, but I know it works when I work it. My best prayers seem to be in the moment, when I know I could be in a difficult place and I ask for His help right then and there. I want to have a more ongoing conversation with God instead of just a pleading all the time.
3. Talking with others in recovery
This has been closely related to talking with sponsees. Sometimes, listening to and reading their experiences helps me see where I am and recognize things I’ve never thought about. As it says in the White Book:
The value the sponsors receive, if they are where they should be, is the experience of working their own program in a way otherwise impossible. There is something that only working with others can give us. It is truly a gift, even if the one seeking help is ungrateful or doesn’t stay sober. We help, expecting nothing in return, and the measure we receive is the measure we’ve given of ourselves to another. (p. 75)
This is so true. I’ve learned some of the best things in working with sponsees that aren’t yet ready for real recovery. They’ve helped me recognize tendencies in myself that I may have never recognized otherwise.
It’s also really helpful to talk with those who are in real recovery. We all have different experiences and are all learning different things through those experiences. I love talking with guys who seem to get it: they are living moment to moment, they surrender, and they take accountability for their own choices. I’m grateful for the true friends I have who share their experiences with me of hope and peace in recovery.
4. Studying from recovery literature, including the scriptures
I read quite a bit and write quite a bit. But I feel I can always do better at scripture study and pondering what I’m learning. Reading from the White Book, the Step Into Action books, and other books about recovery or about mindfulness has been helpful in my recovery, at least today.
5. Nightly, honest check-in’s with my wife and/or sponsor
I talked to a sponsee yesterday about how important this is. Nightly check-ins are how I actively work Step 10. When I am wrong, I promptly admit it. I continue to assess my part in things, make amends, and ask myself hard questions. This is also a real way to emotionally connect with my wife; it provides safety to her as I share what I’m really feeling, as I recognize triggers for what they are, and as I share what I’m doing to practice recovery today.
Recognizing my emotions and negative feelings is a practice, just like anything worthwhile. And practice isn’t easy and doesn’t always feel good.
I really liked this quote from the White Book that sums up the practice nicely:
Trial, tribulation, and pain are the soil in which the Steps can germinate, take root, and find fruition in our lives. (p. 74)
With that, I’ll take another 24!
Nate
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