This discussion topic is from the wife of a sex addict. Thanks to this person for contributing to the group discussion and for the time she put into collecting her thoughts on an important topic. If you’re interested in sharing a discussion topic, please reach out to me here.
When I got to my Step 9 Amends, I knew that some way or somehow, my Bishop would be on the list.
I have felt ongoing resentment for 2 years from the way he has handled (or mishandled) my family’s crisis with sexual addiction. As I did my best to be prayerful and open with my Step 9 plans, I realized that I didn’t have to make amends to my Bishop at all, but I did need to make amends to myself for not using my voice when his counsel was in direct opposition to what I had learned to be true about addiction, trauma, and what the real pathway to recovery looks like.
But, how could I share my voice without an undercurrent of bitterness, resentment, and “I’m right and you are sooooo wrong” coming through?
That, I knew, would not be a healing experience for me, and would understandably elicit a defensive response. This would further alienate me from my spiritual leader and further decrease my faith in my church’s ability to offer any real support in this most vulnerable part of my life.
Ultimately, what my Higher Power guided me to was this: to write a letter to my Bishop to express what I wish all of our Bishops would have known for the past 20 years.
Our current Bishop was not the only one who had failed us. In fact, every Bishop for the past 20 years had the opportunity to intervene and point my husband to real recovery. But not one of them had any idea where to find that. This letter felt like a way to express what I needed to say without making a personal attack. I was careful to explain that this letter was about me…what I needed in my healing process to be heard…and truly surrender the outcome.
Although I realize that my Bishop did not understand or even agree with all I had to say, I can honestly say we were able to have an authentic, respectful conversation where I was able to be true to myself and to my experience.
My voice was heard, and I was able to “detach with love” when, inevitably, he wanted to justify or argue his position. I was able to simply testify of what my own experience has been and build on common beliefs.
I really do believe that he is doing what feels right from his own experience.
I know that it was my Higher Power that allowed me to feel so much peace, and I am grateful for the opportunity to feel His hand in my life as I work my own steps of recovery.
This letter cannot pretend to be comprehensive in educating Bishops on everything they could/should know to effectively respond to the complex problem of sexual addiction, but it is my offering from my own and my husband’s experience. I have so much hope that as each one of us lives Step 12 in our own way, we can begin to spread this word, spread this movement, and educate our spiritual leaders. Then they will have the resources that will help the next couple that comes into their office to find real recovery, hope, and healing.
What I Wish Our Bishops Had Known
1. Addicts will almost always minimize.
If a person comes in with a confession about sexual acting out (pornography, masturbation, inappropriate sexual relationships), it is a good idea to keep asking questions,
“Is there more?”
“Is that all?”
“What else?”
“Tell me more about what exactly happened.”
If you take the initial confession at face value, you are most likely getting a small slice of the reality, enough for the addict to appease their conscience, but not enough for anyone (including the addict) to really recognize how serious the situation might be.
2. The level of explicit use is irrelevant in sex addiction.
My husband’s primary addiction is social media scanning—spending hours browsing pictures of people that are mostly/even fully dressed. Until this progressed to an actual affair, I never realized that he had a serious problem because he was not regularly visiting explicit sites or paying for porn.
Lust addiction is at the root of all sexual acting out behaviors, and will eventually progress, as all sexual addiction inevitably does, to affairs, prostitution, and other high-risk behaviors if the problem is not addressed. In addition, even these “lower-risk” lusting activities bring the same addictive behaviors/feelings of blame, shame, self-pity, justification, anger, that quickly erode connection and cause deep damage to marriage and parent/child relationships.
Do not dismiss behavior as minimal or minor just because it is not explicit pornography.
3. It is best to treat all pornography use as an addiction.
My husband spent 25 plus years (from the time he was 11) meeting with Bishop after Bishop about his indiscretions involving masturbation and pornography. Year after year, he received nothing more than a small slap on the wrist, encouragement that he “wasn’t that bad and not to be too hard on himself”, and advice to read the scriptures more, pray more, and attend the temple more frequently. He rarely received any church discipline at all.
The undeniable reality of sexual (and any other) addiction is that increased religious practices are totally insufficient to produce recovery, and ultimately result in even more hopelessness when the addict interprets his inevitable failure as a sign that he is not “faithful” enough to be saved. Addiction Recovery requires a unique and time-tested approach that is based on immersing oneself fully in a personal, inward, spiritual program of emotional awareness and total dependence on God.
Even if someone has not progressed to extreme levels of addiction, their lives will still be immensely blessed in every possible way by embracing this type of spiritual program. In other words, whether or not they are clinically “addicted” is irrelevant—it is far better to treat any sort of pornography use as you would an addiction. If they are truly in the grips of addiction, this is the only way out. If they aren’t, they will still have the opportunity to deepen their relationship with God and understand the Atonement in totally new, personal, and empowering ways.
Please never assume that a young person’s sexual misconduct will resolve with marriage. This is like reasoning that an alcoholic will be fine once they’ve reached the age of 21 and can drink legally. Marriage actually exacerbates the problem as the stresses and responsibilities of life increase, and may also increase the fixation on lust and sex.
4. Your role is that of First Responder, not expert.
Bishops cannot possibly be expected to be educated on all of the issues that will come to their desk seeking help. In this very complex matter, where the lives of generations will be affected by the ability of the addict to get appropriate help, please, Bishops, consider yourselves simply to be the FIRST RESPONDER.
The best counsel or advice a Bishop can give is for the person to get to a qualified therapist specializing in sexual addiction and to find a 12 Step Addiction Recovery program to start attending. Very, very often, a Bishop’s counsel, which is well-intentioned and most likely based on their best intuition from their own life experiences, is exactly the opposite of what will help an addict to find recovery.
A Bishop’s job, rather than having the answers, is to get the addict to the people who do have answers to help them start real recovery.
5. Isolation is the lifeblood of Addiction.
Coming out of hiding, reaching out to others, becoming part of a recovering community, working with a sponsor, being open and honest with their spouse on a daily basis…these are absolutely essential foundations for lasting recovery.
History has shown through AA, there is no such thing as recovery in isolation.
6. Addiction recovery is a lifelong process.
We have learned through hard experience that addiction recovery is not something you ever “overcome.” Rather, lasting recovery is dependent on a daily decision to submit one’s will to God and rely on the power of Atonement to deliver you from bondage.
The mindset of “overcoming” a pornography problem and “checking it off” as a problem of the past will inevitably lead to sliding back into old coping mechanisms, progressive addiction, future relapses, and more severe consequences to the individual and their family.
Addiction recovery is a lifelong commitment that never ends.
7. In our experience, SA Lifeline is the most comprehensive Recovery Program available, and it encourages the 4 pillars of Sexual Addiction Recovery—
- A 12 Step Program including group meetings and sponsorship,
- Education on Sexual Addiction & Recovery,
- Spiritual Guidance from an Ecclesiastical Leader, and
- Qualified Therapy from a Therapist who specializes in Sexual Addiction.
Read Part 2 – For the Spouse!
I look forward to your comments.
First, I really admire the courage it took to share this with an ecclesiastical leader. It inspires me to really look at my motives for who I make in-person amends to with my step 9 and who should just “get the letter.”
Second, I’m going to withhold some of my fairly biased perspective on religious leaders in general, regardless of the faith/belief system, because I have yet to see any significant consistency across lay leadership of any kind, and only somewhat admirable attempts at doing what was recommended in this post by religions with paid clergy (Catholics in particular). What I believe is applicable here is the need for a lot of shared patience, understanding, empathy, and love for all involved. This is where I admire the adherence of the 12-Steps to a ‘God of your own understanding’ perspective, because it is only in and through the working of the steps with full purpose of heart that a real understanding of a higher power comes into clear relief. I’m rumbling with this truth as an Atheist, and I see it happening all around me with those whose belief and “knowledge” of God are actually hindering their ability to come to know their higher power through their addiction.
I think there is something worth considering here …
– Recovery from addiction requires a life that is almost completely unrecognizable from the life lived as an addict, i.e. a “new normal.” This new normal must pervade every aspect of life, because if it doesn’t then I’m pretty sure there will be remnants of addiction in those undiscovered and unchanged parts.
– This new normal involves a fresh perspective about God. While this perspective may not involve a change of beliefs, doctrines, or creeds, I’m pretty sure one of the most important perspective shifts is about the personal nature of God in your life, er my life. The way God showed up in life before recovery is definitely not going to be sufficient to make lifelong recovery thereafter possible. When Atheism became personal to me through recognizing that I had things that were in my control (personal values and actions), things that were out of my control (pretty much everything else), and things that no one knows about (for sure everything else), I was able to let go of my preconceptions about what a higher power had to be and embrace mystery and universal truths without the beliefs and personal dogmas about God that had held me back.
There is so much that needs to be done to spread the good word of addiction recovery. It requires real conversations about real, proven methods for recovery. Ecclesiastical leaders and their efforts need to be as humble as the gospel they preach encourages when it comes to letting go of their pride/authority/responsibility, and instead embracing and advocating for what really works. Indeed—although I don’t personally believe in a literal Jesus as I once did—I would bet that “He who descended below all things” warmly embraces two lowly alcoholics, Dr. Bill and Dr. Bob (founders of AA), as His own, especially because of what they have written and done for addicts the world over. Their inspired program is the kind of prescriptive medicine that the spiritual malady of addiction demands. It uses principles and truths—even gospel doctrines—to a depth and degree that should be the awe of all other professors of religion the world over; and it reaffirms faith in ways that are still beyond my comprehension.
Thanks for sharing, Nate.
Thanks JR. A few things that resonated with me about your comments:
1. Living a “new normal” has had to be a must for me. Without an entire change, without creating boundaries (I refer to them as burying my weapons of war, without my wife creating boundaries, without daily check-ins and surrender – I may be white knuckle sober but ultimately, I would still be practicing addictive behaviors which unfortunately have always led me back down the path of acting out, no matter how hard I’ve tried to stop in the past.
2. The God of my understanding has changed. Like you said, it hasn’t necessarily changed my beliefs, at least completely, but I feel like He is more there today than ever before. This awareness, for me, has really been a Step 1 and a Step 11 in action. I recognize my life is unmanageable now and I’m able to turn it over to Him, one moment at a time. I asked for His help and he lightens the burdens I’m faced with. Every. Time. I know before I believed He would do that but honestly, I didn’t really trust that He would and never really put the concept into practice.
3. There is SO much that needs to be done. If I think too much about it, it can feel unmanageable, go figure. But, like this letter shows, it can really only happen one person and moment at a time. I don’t know that this letter will change this Bishops perspective at all, but the seed has been planted and this woman has realized that this is all she can do to live her own recovery. Her next meeting is to meet with the Stake President with her husband to go over the same letter. Hopefully her actions will inspire others to do the same.
I could go on and on, Bill and Bob have definitely been led by a Higher Power to put all of this together – and I’m sure they have a lot of friends in Heaven who look at them as angels.
Thanks, as always, for your contribution to the group discussion. Have a great day in recovery!
This post hits hard on a couple of levels for me and my experience.
I am just over 3 years in recovery on a 40 plus year addiction. I honestly didn’t’ think I was an addict until 3 years ago. I felt I just had a little problem, that I was a normal guy and my problem was not hurting anyone other than my self. Row boat syndrome. It was not until I felt true despair and I sought out help and found S.A. that reality hit me in the face.
I to have had experiences with bishops. Early on it seemed that for me I always got the try a little harder, pray for strength, sing a hymn… so so and so on. I justified that no matter how hard I tried I kept falling to lust temptations. So after a while I justified my actions as normal and quite talking to the bishop, except for an occasional visit when I was feeling extreme guilt. Twenty two years ago I made a full confession. I was given advise at that time to not let my wife know about my little problem. Two years after my confession and being sober, I was called to be a bishop. I have first hand experience in knowing that bishops were not trained to be experts on sexual issues. I was 30 years old and felt very inadaquite in giving advice. I was sober and felt forgiven of my past, so I gave the same counsel I was given, pray harder, try harder to with stand, sing a hymn…
Needless to say I was not a perfect bishop. I felt guided in the counsel I gave, but I knew zero about addiction. I saw these men and women who struggled as good people with a little problem, like I used to have.
Fast forward about 7 years. I had some major changes and stress come ito my life and I went back to acting out with my little problem. I got caught by my wife. And my hole life history was revealed… almost 20 years into our marriage. I talked to my bishop. I basically got a hall pass. You know me being a former member of the good ol boy’z club…. no discipline at all, just tey harder and sing a hymn…
My wife on the other hand… had some serious issues with the whole thing and quite goomg to church. That was 13 years ago.
So…. having some experience my thoughts in comment:
1. Amen to this good sisters post.
2.Bishops are human and make mistakes, and might deal with addictions themselves.
3. Bishops need to be first responders, they can’t fix this.
4.Never…never… never advise to not disclose our problems. There is always an appropriate TIME and place for disclosure.
5.Pray for your bishops.
6. Go with your gut on the counsel you receive from your bishop. If you don’t feel what is being said is right, talk to someone else.
I hope and pray that the many good wives that deal with this addiction can find a great support group like SAL and can work thier recovery like this good sister is.
Wow Dave. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I’m so grateful for your honesty and vulnerability in sharing on this discussion topic that rings so true to me as well.
Everything that was stated is what I wish my Bishops would have known to help me. I do realize Bishops are human and make mistakes; I hope letters like this one will catch the attention of those Bishops who are willing to be Honest, Humble and Accountable. I also hope the letter will have a grass roots affect on the entire culture of the Church and how they see sexual addiction.
From my experience, I don’t believe that the necessary changes will come from the top down – ultimately because the Brethren aren’t addicts and probably never have been addicts. And, like the Big Book and other recovery literature states – only addicts can really help addicts in the recovery process because they know what one another are going through.
Thank you again for sharing Dave. I look forward to ongoing discussion about this critical topic.
I too really appreciate your vulnerability and candor, Dave. It reminds me that no one is immune from both the disease (addiction) AND the remedy (recovery) – i.e. that there is no “higher” or different path for individuals of influence, nor is there some “lower” or base path for societal rifraff. We are all subject to the same principles and truths in recovery, regardless of our beliefs.
This is a great post that talks to a great truth. Our bishops are overwhelmed with sex addiction of any kind (e.g., masturbation, lust).
Like Dave, I too am a little more than three years into recovery after 40 years of addiction. I began confessing and talking with bishops each time I would relapse, at least since I was 14. The advice I received was, “Stop. Study the scriptures more. Pray more. Sing a hymn. Do service.” This was great advice and helpful – sometimes, but not nearly enough.
I do believe I had a number of bishops that were truly inspired. When I was 16 or 17 I had one bishop recognize that I needed counseling and referred me to LDS social services. However, it was the late 70’s and when I opened my mouth and told the therapist that I had a problem with masturbation, he cut me off and said, “This is a spiritual problem you need to work out with your bishop, not a therapist.” That was the understanding of the profession at the time. This same thing happened in the early 80’s when my bishop at college referred me to a counselor. The counselor said the same thing. From this, I learn that bishops are inspired, but there is not always a medium for that inspiration to be followed through on.
I have also had a bishop, after I acted out pretty seriously, tell me that I should not tell my wife about it. This flew in the face of my past behaviors. I had always told me wife from prior to marriage that I had a problem with masturbation. I would always tell her within a week of me acting out. Well, I would not partake of the sacrament unworthily, so Sunday when I did not partake of the sacrament, she knew and confronted me. I told her the bishop told me not to tell her. That did not go well! That was very bad advice.
I acted out on my mission. The mission president gave me the same study and pray harder advice.
My first bishop who referred me to the ARP program let me recognize I couldn’t do it on my own. He recommended I attend a PASG group meeting. I told him I was not addicted, it was just a little problem I needed to work harder on – this after 40 years of failure. He told me the next time I relapsed, I would need to attend. When I next relapsed, he told me to attend for three months. What!? He was referring me to the proper tools, but he totally misunderstood that this is not a recover and get over it, type of thing. BTW, as everybody likely knows, I followed the three month requirement and “recovered” so stopped going. Then I was back after a year understanding that there is no such thing as “recovered”, but only “recovering”. I knew for myself that I needed to continue indefinitely. So, some bishops are beginning to learn of tools out there, but they still have no concept of what it takes and what it means. (I did express to him that three months is woefully inadequate and it should be an indefinite thing.)
I am now a facilitator in an LDS PASG group. I try to communicate with my bishop some of the realities of this addiction and recovery. But, my opportunities to do this are limited.
One other thing that I think has not explicitly been stated in this thread yet is, Bishops need to refer spouses to spousal support ARP groups as well. There is no such thing as a spouse not having been deeply damaged by this and in need of their own healing – which they and their bishop’s are not equipped to manage by themselves. Though, I suspect, Part 2 might cover that.
Thanks to all for sharing!
Thank you, Kevin, for the great share as well. It seems like we all have an ironically similar story…
I too had Bishops that did their best with what they knew; I also had some that assisted me in stuffing things under the rug and “moving on.” I realize now that it wasn’t intentional, but I hope experiences like the one shared by this sister can help Bishops.
Yes, Part 2 of the discussion is all about what the sister wishes Bishops knew for the spouse of an addict.
Thanks for your comments and experience Kevin.
This is tough one, and I give Kudos to the Spouse for being willing to bring this up. Bad advice or counsel from our Priesthood leaders are vast, and probably far outweigh the good advice that has been given. However, there is a bit of hope here. We need to keep in mind that the world in general is rejecting sexual addiction. They don’t acknowledge it, or think it’s an issue. This is clearly not everyone, but by in large.. We as members have known forever that sex outside of marriage was wrong, but did not know it was also addictive, and with that, what being addicted actually means, entails or requires for recovery.
Bishops don’t know this, unless they have done extensive research- hell I didn’t know it until 6 months ago! So with that said, My belief is that the church is true, but the members and leaders are severely flawed, which is why we have the church. Since it is true, WE will catch up, and WE will lead the way. WE are the church, WE are the leadership, and since WE are the ones learning the truth about recovery it is now our blessing to help lead recovery church-wide in the right direction. I truly see this as taking a generation to shift, but it will happen. All my Bishops helped out of love and their best knowledge, and that knowledge wasn’t enough. Oh well, God pointed me in the right direction, I am grateful I now have the opportunity to help him do the same for others.
I agree – we’re all flawed and can’t expect that a Bishop or any one person is going to fix us. Only God will help lighten our burdens and He’ll only do that if I let Him.
I also agree that recovering addicts are really the only way we will see effective change. It has to be a grassroots effort.
I feel the best thing a Bishop can say is, “I don’t know how to help but I’m here to support you and help you be accountable. Go find the real help at these places: SAL 12 Step, Qualified Sex Addiction Therapist, reading specific books…”
Now I have confessed and this more truly is the case of it; guilt dumped my sins onto the bishop. I have had leaders who threw the book of justice at me, causing me great panic, setting me straight (for a while). I was terrified of him. Then and now, I must work through my resentments because of his approach. Then I have had those that took the more common pray, sing, read, attend, etc. formula. I learned this; change didn’t come from the spiritual leader. Recovery is not about what the bishop knows or doesn’t know. I have also met that guy. I had a bishop that craved all the knowledge and understanding he could get. (Ironically, his own son was an addict. Ere go, he had a personal interest in matters.) It may make it easier to go to that guy than the book thrower, but gosh darn it, change comes only from within myself. My spiritual leader cannot tell me I have sinned or repented. Only I know that. “By this ye may know if a man hath truly repented of his sins, he will confess them and forsake them.” As an addict, I must share my weakness as often as I slip. It keeps me real. Addiction recovery is a lifetime process. Forsaking is a lifetime process. Conversion is a lifetime process. Forsaking…..takes…….practice…., especially for one such as me who is so skilled in sinning. I am in the process of learning a new job. With it a new set of skills. Forsaking is a new skill set. In recovery, I work for a different Master. I serve my Higher Power. I was not converted to my higher power when I was baptized. I knew my life was unmanageable of my own efforts to save my self the day(s) I felt cut off from His presence.
For me, the spiritual leader is a tool of recovery. I don’t look to him as a therapist. He can offer me Ecclesiastical advice and admonition. 50 years ago smoking was not even on the radar. Now it’s a proven public health risk. Sound familiar? Education and science caught up with public opinion. This is beginning to happen.
Thanks Shayne. PRACTICE is the word that really stuck out to me. Recovery is a PRACTICE, not a one-time (or over and over time) event.
For my whole life, I’ve thought that if I repented with my Bishop, I’d be over this and could move on (or that I was now pretty much perfect, had no flaws, and may be translated soon…).
The reality is, as I work recovery, that my bigger flaws, even bigger than my addiction and acting out, are actually the negative emotions that I don’t know how to deal with in positive ways. I stuff them, I hide them, I let them fester, and then I blow up on someone or myself, them shame, then numb through acting out.
Today, luckily, I recognize that pattern for what it is and can surrender the negative emotions to God and others who know what I’m going through.
Today I can live in recovery and that’s all I can do. A Bishop can be helpful in that process, but they will never be my savior or qualified therapist.
I have also had similar experiences with Bishops in my youth and during my marriage. Some more helpful, others not. Our previous Bishop was trying at first, but then asked my wife why she couldn’t “get over it and forgive your husband.” That really hurt her and made her angry and resentful for quite a long time, to the point she didn’t want to go to church anymore. We were inspired to move to the Spanish ward where we knew the Bishop. He has truly been a blessing. He has helped us through our hardest time in our lives and marriage. He is old school, but willing to learn. He is not a therapist, not understands too much about it, but he has been there for each of us, is being that first responder, and being empathetic towards my wife. He meets with us on a regular basis and checks in on us. He’s also helping me to “feel” the atonement emotionally rather than intellectually.
This letter is truly inspiring, and I plan on talking to my Bishop about it. The Church still has a lot to learn about sex addiction and recovery, but because of great groups like SA-L they are progressing. It is definitely apparent by the new manual for the women’s support group at PARG. Keep up the good work with the discussions and comments.
Thanks Doug. I’m glad you’ve found a Bishop who is helping both you and your wife in the recovery process.
I’m pretty sure I don’t know any married addict who is in long term recovery who’s wife is not working her own recovery from the pain and betrayal trauma the husband has caused. Not only is it healing for her, but the couple can become so much more unified and talk about recovery one day at a time.
Talk soon.
Great post. I love that you found the best way for you to let that pain and resentment go was to teach and help others. I think we as addicts in recovery have an opportunity to help leaders and others to find true peace from sexual sin by working the steps on a continual basis and connecting with God daily.
Our spiritual leaders have the same struggles and challenges we have, but we can teach them how to help others find true recovery, which is a great thing.
Agreed. Thanks for the insight Levi. Real recovery has to start with us as we work our OWN recovery first, then share it and teach it with others due to our experiences.
The more we are willing to really talk about our struggles with addiction, and share our recovery, the more we will be educated as a whole. I have had very similar experiences growing up and talking to my ecclesiastical leaders. Prayer, Scriptures, Church and Temple attendance.
Part of the difficulty is that I’ve often approached recovery and repentance as the same thing. I don’t think they are. Repentance was always done through the Bishop. I used to think, “Talk to him, be honest, and you will learn to be a better person. With his counsel, you will be able to learn to overcome your struggles.” I like what the sister wrote above that he is our first line of defense. I don’t think recovery can be obtained without the help of other addicts. Without the help of those who have experienced what I’ve experienced, and are willing to talk about it with honesty.
As recovering addicts we have a great responsibility to share our experiences. Without sharing what we’re learning about addiction and about ourselves and about recovery, how can we expect change? I am so grateful for the sister above who was willing to share her feelings and experiences. Not everyone is going to understand or accept it, and that’s okay. We know what we know from personal experience because we are living it.