Discussion: What I Wish Our Bishops Had Known – Part 2

This discussion topic is Part 2 of a two part letter to a bishop, written by the wife of a sex addict. Thanks to this person for contributing to the group discussion and for the time she put into collecting her thoughts on an important topic. If you’re interested in sharing a discussion topic, please reach out to me here.

If you’d like to read more about the background of this letter and how it came to be, you can find it at What I Wish Our Bishops Had Known – Part 1.

Here’s a small segment:

This letter cannot pretend to be comprehensive in educating Bishops on everything they could/should know to effectively respond to the complex problem of sexual addiction, but it is my offering from my own and my husband’s experience.  I have so much hope that as each one of us lives Step 12 in our own way, we can begin to spread this word, spread this movement, and educate our spiritual leaders.  Then they will have the resources that will help the next couple that comes into their office to find real recovery, hope, and healing.

Part 2 – What I Wish The Bishop Would Have Known for the Sex Addicts Spouse

1. Betrayal trauma is a real thing

With symptoms very similar to PTSD, betrayal trauma requires its own healing process.

Betrayal trauma is a condition that parallels the symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and is caused when someone experiences betrayal and deception within their primary relationship; this betrayal damages the trust and safety of the relationship and calls into question the bond they have with their partner.

For me, the feeling that my eternal life is in danger is very real. Symptoms of betrayal trauma include flashbacks (when you learn of specific incidents & suddenly any reference to the place/people/circumstances associated of that bring an immediate sense of panic, anxiety, fear as though your life is truly in danger), an inability to focus or concentrate, feelings of rage, deep feelings of depression or worthlessness, persistent suicidal thoughts, persistent dreams reliving events that you have learned of or witnessed, etc.

2. Recovery is needed for the spouse of a sex addict as much as for the addict

The spouse of a sex addict will probably need as much recovery as the sex addict, depending on the level of addiction and the severity of the betrayals she/he has endured.

For me, until my husband’s addiction reached the point of an actual affair with a real person, I never thought that his behavior was affecting me that much or that I needed recovery. Now, I look back and wonder how things would have been different if I would have started my own recovery before things got to that point. For the traumatized spouse, recovery is absolutely essential to help them navigate the very deep, intense emotional, mental, and physical trauma reactions they will experience on a daily basis for as long as they remain in trauma. For the spouse in denial, recovery is absolutely essential to help them accept the seriousness of their situation, and it gives them tools to understand their husband’s addiction and what their role is/isn’t as a spouse.

3. The addicts actions aren’t the spouse’s fault and can’t be controlled by the spouse

The actions of a sex addict are not a result of something the spouse did or did not do, and they do not have the power to control their behavior. For me, this was a very difficult concept to accept. In cases of infidelity, it may seem natural to assume that something is wrong with the marriage that would make the man look elsewhere, that the wife was cold, the married couple was not sexually active…the old adage that “it takes two to tango.”

That is certainly what I have always assumed.

In cases of sexual addiction, this is just simply not the case.

The truth is that my husband had been coping with negative emotions that everyone faces in everyday life by escaping/numbing through pornography and masturbation since he was 11 years old. His brain had become chemically dependent upon this approach to managing any type of emotional stress or pain.

Throughout our marriage, we have had sex at an almost regimented frequency of every other day, including throughout the pregnancies and births of our five children. “Not enough sex” was not the problem. It is very damaging to imply or assume that the wife of a sex addict is somehow responsible for the addict behaviors of her husband. So often, she is already blaming herself, and almost certainly, has been the victim of the blame and justification of her addict husband for years. Please do not hold her responsible for her husband’s actions. Do encourage her to become responsible to find her own recovery through qualified therapy and 12 Step Support Groups.

4. Isolation is the lifeblood of depression and trauma

The very first steps in healing from betrayal trauma are reaching out, acknowledging the feelings you are experiencing, and grieving all of the dreams, life, and love you have lost. Well-meaning Bishops may lean to conventional wisdom and be inclined to tell these victims to keep the issue between themselves and their spouse, but it is absolutely imperative that the spouse finds a support community and qualified therapy. History has taught us through Al-Anon, recovery in isolation is impossible.

5. Recovery from Betrayal Trauma is a long (even life-long) process

Recovering from the intense sense of fear that the rug may be pulled out from under them again at any time, from the depression and feelings of worthlessness that are often internalized, from the physical and mental symptoms of trauma, and from the grieving process itself is not something that happens overnight. This is a process that can take weeks, months, even years depending on the person, the recovery of the addict spouse, and the severity of the betrayals. Spouses need support throughout this process of “coming to grips” with their reality, and should never be shamed or criticized for their natural reactions going through this grieving process. Although a natural inclination might be to encourage the spouse to “Get over it” or to “Forgive and forget,” the only way to truly heal the individual and create a solid foundation to rebuild the relationship is to give the process all the time it may take to work through all of the difficult emotions at play. The best support will come from those who have been through this process themselves. Involvement in a 12 Step program with women who are working their own 12 Steps to recover from Betrayal Trauma is absolutely imperative.

Books that have been extremely helpful to educate us on understanding addiction as well as Betrayal Trauma:

• What Can I Do About Him Me? by Rhyll Croshaw
• Love You, Hate the Porn by Geoff Steurer and Mark Chamberlain
• He Restoreth my Soul by Donald Hilton

Qualified Therapists can be found through:

• Dr. Adam Moore with the BYU Comprehensive Clinic (Provo) at 801-429-9699
• LifeStar Addiction Treatment Center (Murray) at 801-462-2150
• Addo Recovery (Lindon) at 801-406-8994

Our Stake is so blessed to be in close proximity to perhaps the best & most complete treatment program out there, SA Lifeline. Please inform your ward members of this amazing resource that can truly bless and transform their lives.

Local Addiction Recovery 12 Step Support Groups through SA Lifeline:

• Saturday mornings 7:30-9:00 am at 2250 W. Center, Springville (North Spanish Fork)
• Saturday mornings 7:30-9:00 am at 222 North Main Street, Springville

Local Spouse 12 Step Support Groups through SA Lifeline:

• Thursday mornings 9:30-11:00 am at 1255 S Peterson Lane, Mapleton
• Tuesday evenings 7:30-9:00 pm at 222 North Main Street, Springville