I haven’t written in quite some time, especially here.
I’m still sober, although I wouldn’t say I’ve been “working recovery” in the ways I used to.
I want to recommit to my recovery – or maybe I want to call it something else – my SPIRITUAL JOURNEY.
I want to recommit to boundaries and bottom lines.
I stopped going to SAL probably about a year or so ago, primarily due to how things all went down with B, S & R. It just didn’t feel great at all.
I stayed with the Foundation for about a year after B and the team parted, and I tried to help. But if the topic of the book came up, I was out of that conversation and not at all interested in giving any perspective or feedback.
And I didn’t feel great going to a meeting where the book would be one of the focal points of study and reading – I just didn’t want to know how or if they changed things from the way B had written them. I didn’t want to feel like the book was laced with LDS lingo which is NOT what I felt great about – especially preaching the “non-denominational” 12 Step approach.
B put her entire heart, soul, and countless hours, days, weeks, & months into that book – only to have them take it, say they didn’t agree with one piece (at least this is what I heard) – the mention of “Higher Power” as opposed to “God” only. And this was the hill S, R and K were going to die on.
Similar to how I “left” PL, it was just meant to happen this way I guess.
Neither B or I have looked back. We both wish the Foundation the best, have run into S & R at least once, and that’s that.
They moved the maintenance of the sites over to a guy in St. George and I wish them the best.
So that’s that.
And that hurdle definitely changed my perspective about step work, recovery, and all that too.
I realized that the label of “addict,” although fitting for a time, doesn’t have to be what I’m always talking about, focused on, or labeling myself as. Yes, that’s a part of me and has been a way I’ve coped with emotional issues in the past, but it’s not today. Today I cope in much healthier ways. Today I see myself hopefully more how God sees me.
And I’ve forgiven my old self for the way I handled things back then.
It doesn’t mean I couldn’t go back to that old self if I’m not careful, but I don’t want to today.
This realization has been helpful.
I’ve continued with therapy for quite a while after the departure from SAL. I got a new sponsor, who I haven’t really talked to at all, and then I started working B’s program – gosh, it’s been at least a year and half since I left.
But that brings me to where I am today.
I don’t feel great. I feel “sober but not well.”
I feel lonely.
I feel somewhat apathetic to Church. Not sure if that’s the right word – but I feel like Church is a strategic business more than a great spiritual place.
The “Covenant Path to the Temple” is really, in my mind right now, a paid membership platform where they use the tithing/fear God concept to get people to “pay to play.”
And then they don’t even share where the money’s going, how it’s being used, or why.
They just keep building more and more temples – like a real estate investment firm.
And the majority of the leaders, especially at the top, are former successful business people, attorney’s, CEOs, etc.
They bring that culture with them and mix Church and business all into one nice little package…
That’s where I am right now with Church. Still going, but not very bought in right now.
I got back into Twitter a bit, which in some ways has been helpful – found JR who I’m now working with his group and a mentor.
But I also found #exmo Twitter and although it’s been eye-opening to learn about religion from a different perspective, I don’t know that it’s really helped.
It’s browsing. And browsing can lead to more browsing. And then I’m down ratholes I don’t want or need to be down.
So I want to recommit tonight to some boundaries that have been helpful in the past.
The “Practicing a Positive Sobriety” Steps I Want to Take
- I choose to stay off of the following platforms:
- I choose to limit usage of the following:
- I choose to practice reaching out more to past friends:
- John (new group)
- I choose to not browse the internet
- I choose to not browse the following:
- YouTube TV
- Amazon Prime
- And I choose to WRITE!
- How I feel
- Why I feel that way
- What are the next steps I’m going to take
- I choose to READ too.
- I’ll pick a suggested book from Karen’s recommendations
- Or I’ll really dive into the Course Curriculum book
- I have a goal to read at least one book per month for work so maybe I’ll up that to two, one for work, one for personal/spiritual
- This will give me something to write about too
- I choose to have my phone charging in my office & use my watch as the alarm moving forward
- Often it’s at night when I get on Mormon Twitter to just see what people are talking about (even now it’s tempting to want to hop on there and see what’s happening or if someone has commented or liked something I’ve said – which isn’t much – this is the DOPAMINE HIT)
- So if I keep my phone charging in my office, that won’t be a pull; plus it will give me more time to read at night
- I choose to talk to B about our life and the direction we’re going, especially intimately
- I love our intimate life and I get afraid to even talk about it at all
- But at times I don’t feel she’s really there, like she’s “there” but not really into it
- Like she’s thinking about other things
- Like she doesn’t really even want me or really isn’t that interested in sex at all
- Like she is fine with the same process every time, no exploration or curiosity, just the way it is is fine
- It’s scary to write this because I don’t want to go back to “old normal,” but this is how I feel right now
- I want to flirt
- I want to be excited about our life together
- I want to feel wanted or pursued sometimes
So I think this is my plan right now.
I want to do these things.
I want to be a safe place for both B and the kids.
I don’t want fear and then anger to rule the way I cope with feelings.
I want to journal and figure myself out.
I want to have a relationship with my Higher Power.
I don’t want to hate or despise or resent the Church.
This feels great to write.
It’s like the tightness in my shoulders eases when I write things out.
Things come out that I didn’t know were in there.
I hadn’t really written about why I left SAL until just now.
I haven’t written at all about my feelings with Church – and there’s more there for sure.
Writing is a form of prayer for me I think.
It’s a form of meditation.
It’s getting things out of my head and onto paper.
I’m grateful for today!