The Relapse Process

I saw images today on Facebook that I would say were not ok…

At times like those I feel I sometimes try to justify and say, “Well, it wasn’t pornograhic really…” However, I did a bit of research and found this:

Some seek to justify their indulgence by arguing that they are only viewing “soft,” not “hard,” porn. A wise bishop called this refusing to see evil as evil. He quoted men seeking to justify their viewing choices by comparisons such as “not as bad as” or “only one bad scene.” But the test of what is evil is not its degree but its effect. When persons entertain evil thoughts long enough for the Spirit to withdraw, they lose their spiritual protection and they are subject to the power and direction of the evil one. When they use Internet or other pornography for what this bishop described as “arousal on demand” (letter of Mar. 13, 2005), they are deeply soiled by sin.

It’s crazy how Satan shoots fiery darts when I’m not ready for them. (see 1 Nephi 15:23-25)

Here are some assessments of why I wasn’t ready today:

1. I had had resentment toward B yesterday because I was trying to be helpful and she seemed to instantly bite my head off without even trying to hear me out.
2. Then, when it all did work out, she didn’t seem to be even appreciative – it became more of a “Well duh, you SHOULD be doing that…”
3. Because of that resentment, I was short-tempered with the kids when she got home.
4. I then did a bunch of work on the house to get things in order but again didn’t feel like it was something she really appreciated.
5. I ended up staying up and reading until 12:45 a.m.
6. I was then really tired this morning.
7. When I got online and went to FB, a friends FB account was open and his brother had liked images that were suggestive…
8. I browsed those images, knowing I shouldn’t go there but without the will power to stop or ask for help.
9. I ended up asking Heavenly Father for help before I went farther, but I still feel upset about even going there.
10. I’m now trying to write out my feelings so I can work through them and repent.

This seems to be the cycle of how my addiction works.

The Addiction Cycle for Me

Resentment >
Anger >
Tiredness >
Satan shoots his fiery darts >
I succumb to the temptations >
I sin >
I feel bad >
I try to repent

Reminds me of this famous “pride cycle”:

Image Credit: http://bit.ly/VBziZv

So how can I overcome this?

I feel it starts with talking to B about my resentment shortly after it happens, after I’ve calmed down a bit, so I don’t allow this resentment to fester in my mind and lead me to anger and then other things.

I want to recognize this pattern before I get to the place where I’m prone to be “shot at” by Satan’s fiery darts.

When I recognize the pattern I want to submit my will to God by saying a prayer, looking for answers and guidance in the scriptures, and doing something where I feel temptation won’t be there.

I want to GO TO BED EARLIER! This has been a recurring theme too. When I’m tired I’m more of a moving target for Satan. He knows my guard is down; he knows I do things when I’m tired that I wouldn’t do otherwise.

I feel good about writing this stuff down.

I feel like I caught myself in the pattern before it was way too late.

Yes, I feel like what happened this morning wasn’t good for me or my spirit; but I feel it could have (and has in the past) got a lot worse.

This experience reminds me of the step, “When you are wrong, promptly admit it…”

John 3:16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

Isa. 1:18: “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.”

Here’s to a better, more productive day.

Nate

What are your thoughts on this process?