I wanted to take a few minutes today to write about feelings and where I’m at. The last couple nights have been tough: Becky and I haven’t emotionally connected as much and the night has seemed to end on a bad note, or at least with Beck not feeling the best.
I feel lonely.
I feel sad.
I feel worried.
I feel like I don’t know what to do to help.
Beck feels lonely too.
Beck feels sad and scared.
Beck seems to feel doubtful that this is going to end well.
Beck seems to be preparing herself for the worst outcome.
Beck and I have talked about being a protector and what the means to her. To summarize the conversation, a protector means that I put her needs and the needs of my family above my own needs.
I feel confident that I can do this. I feel like I want to do this. I guess my biggest worry is that I don’t necessarily feel that Beck thinks I can do this. After all, I do have a bad track record.
It’s been helpful to read the book we’re reading together – Love You, Hate Porn. Many of the case studies seem to be talking exactly about our situation and what we’re going through.
I tried hard this morning to wake up and submit my will to God through personal prayer. I think I lack faith in the process though. I want to submit but I feel I then doubt and don’t know for sure what to do next.
I guess all I can do is my best, all I can do is keep trying to submit, and, like anything, with practice I’ll get better.
How I can submit my will to God
- Personal prayer
- Ongoing prayer throughout the day
- Reading good books about recovery
- Working the steps of the program
- Reading the words of the prophets, both ancient and modern
- Writing my feelings out in a journal
- Seeking to serve others without any expectation of return
I don’t like feeling so distant from Beck. I don’t like her to feel scared and helpless. I want her to feel confident in my recovery and hopeful for our future together.
I feel hopeful.
I feel nervous.
I feel awful for what’s happened and don’t ever want to go there again or even get close.
I long for the emotional connection Beck and I have been having after really good talks.
I realize too, though, that I can’t expect that all the time. There have to be other ways I can connect, both personal connections, connection with God, and connection with other people that are understanding.
Ways I can get connection
- By submitting my will to God via prayer and the other details I mentioned above
- By talking with Becky about feelings
- By going to group meetings
- By writing in my journal about my feelings
- By talking with a counselor
- By talking with close friends (Tyson, Adam, friends from group, a sponsor, maybe my parents)
- By exercising (running, biking, hiking, playing basketball)
I feel better even after writing out my thoughts.
I’m grateful for the Atonement.
I know it works.
I hope today ends up being a helpful day in our recovery and progress.