Well, we got home last night at about 11:00 p.m. to find the kids all waiting at their window (minus J who was asleep). It was great to see them. We really appreciated all the help from M and Mom who took care of the rug rats while we were gone.
Luckily, I was able to stay pretty up to date on emails and things while in Italy, although there are quite a few to-do’s today.
Beck and I had a good talk yesterday on the plane from Amsterdam to Detroit. We discussed the book Love You, Hate Porn and how that’s helped, we talked about her fears and pain, and we talked about some of our best times on this trip – the night we discovered the connection addiction and the day we went on a date and talked through things too.
I’m so grateful to be understanding myself and my addiction more.
I’m so grateful for Becky and for her thoughtfulness.
I realize it’s scary for her: she’s basically making a big gamble that I’ll step up and do what I’ve said I’m going to do. She’s putting her judgment on the line again, where, in the past, she has felt that her judgment wasn’t good because of the way I’ve acted without her really seeing it.
I’m grateful that she’s giving me at least a little trust although I don’t feel I really deserve it.
I’m grateful for how close I feel we’re getting in our emotional connections.
I’m grateful that I’m making the time to go over my feelings.
Things I’ve felt today so far
- Nervous about all I have on my plate to get caught up with
- Nervous that I’m missing things I should be doing
- Unsure of how to best prioritize my time
- Fear of letting Brett and the HS team down
- Fear of letting Robyn and the DA team down
- Fear of letting BDT down
- Hopefulness that Beck and I are on the same page
- Openness to where I’m at today
- Willingness to submit my will to God through making the time to write and through saying my morning personal prayers (although I feel I got distracted through the prayer and lost focus)
- Awareness that being a protector is something I want to be
- Awareness that being nice to the kids is something I want to do
- Awareness of the kids feelings and how I want to make them each feel special in their own way
Today has been a good day so far and it will only get better as I submit my will to God and listen to how I feel.
3521 days ago
I thought I’d write a little bit more this evening after having a full day back home.
Tonight I took care of the kids while B was at aerobics. Overall I’d say it went well but I feel I need to work on my temper a bit, especially with CA.
I get frustrated with him easily.
I don’t have much patience with him.
I raise my voice pretty quickly.
I don’t tend to focus on what he’s doing well but do tend to focus on where he’s not living up to my sometimes unrealistic expectations.
After things calmed down a bit tonight, I took him aside and knelt down to his level, told him I was grateful that he keeps his room so clean, told him I was happy he helped with the yard work, and told him I’d missed him and was happy to be back home with him.
After dinner we all went to Barry’s for shakes and then talked about integrity. Honestly this made me feel glad we were discussing it but also quite guilty for my lack of integrity over the last few years. I know B wasn’t intentionally targeting me but in some ways I felt a spot light shining on me.
Some of my feelings tonight
- Remorse for not having the kind of integrity I wish I had
- A bit of loneliness or distance from B (she seems very focused about getting back to the day to day stuff)
- Uneasiness due to all the things I have on my plate, some of which didn’t get done today
- Uneasiness because I didn’t have time to get Phil assignments either
- Relief when I went out and did yard work (this is a good way to renew my energy and happiness – a personal connection of sorts)
I think I’ll take some time now to review what I’d been reading in the Love You, Hate Porn book.