Yesterday was an interesting day.
B had been feeling a bit odd lately and wasn’t sure what it was, although she had an inclination.
So, yesterday morning she took one of those “plus minus” tests and VIOLA – we’re expecting.
Luckily only one person that I know of even reads this journal so I’m not too concerned about the word getting out too soon.
What I am concerned about is the timing and the fact that I got a Vasectomy about 4 weeks ago.
B and I are pretty sure it happened in Italy – the one time we didn’t use protection before the Vasectomy.
The thing that concerns me a bit is how she feels about things as of last night and seemingly today.
- Obviously she’s nervous because of my track record.
- Obviously she’s scared because this is not what she (or I) was expecting.
- Obviously, since she’s a “planning” person, this is a bid change of plans for us.
What hurt the most last night in our talk was that she seems to be “blaming” me for the whole thing. She says it was my selfish choice to not put on protection that one time. She says I get to make all these bad choices and then she suffers the tough consequences. She feels that I don’t feel any pain, any remorse, any regret, or at least minimal compared to what she’s going through and what she’s going to have to feel.
I’m honestly trying my best.
I honestly feel like I’m in true recovery and not just white-knuckling it.
I feel I’m trying to be patient and non-shaming to the kids and to her.
I feel like I’m aware of patterns and am trying to break them by submitting my will to God.
I want to make the necessary changes in order to never fall into the trap of addiction again.
To B, I feel like I’m a big mistake just waiting to happen…
I’ve told her frequently that I’m a huge believer in taking “one day at a time” – that that’s all I really can do without feeling like I can’t do this. If I think too far ahead, like 9 months, or one week or even thinking about tomorrow, the fear of failure and relapse seems like it will eat me alive.
She and I started a challenge the other day to read the Book of Mormon by September 1st. We are taking time each night to read together. I hope this will help. We are also trying to go to bed early so we have time to talk about our feelings and recovery. This is helping too.
I’m also trying to continue working the steps of the program and attend recovery meetings at least once per week.
One other bit of news that was hard but I feel necessary: we are going to Wisconsin in July for the reunion and to visit my parents. After visiting my parents, we talked about going back to Wisconsin for a couple weeks to just be with her family; after all, I can work from anywhere.
After thinking about it more, B feels it may be good for me to come back after Nauvoo on a plane – not only so I can work but also just to give us a bit of space to reflect. I’ll then fly back and pick them up and we’ll drive back together.
I am ok with it. I feel sad that we will be apart for about 12 days, but it will be a good test of my recovery.
I guess my feelings are as follows:
- Sometimes I feel B expects me to fail
- Sometimes I feel like B is really mad at me, which she should be – I’m just wondering for how long I guess
- Sometimes I feel like B is trying hard not to be happy with me or feel I’m in recovery
- Sometimes I feel like B tries to distance herself from me
- I feel like all these feelings are justified because of the mistakes I’ve made
- I feel like I’d like to just move on, but recovery for both of us can’t, and probably shouldn’t, be that quick and easy
- I want to be the best person I can be
- I want to be in full recovery
- I don’t want to even show B tendencies of falling back into old patterns of addictive behavior
So, there we are.
I feel good about writing out my feelings.
I don’t feel I’m slamming or blaming or anything – I feel I’m just telling it how I see (and feel) it.
Until tomorrow!
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