The Up’s and Down’s of My Bad Choices

Yesterday seemed to be a really good day. We had a good talk the night before, we had a good talk yesterday morning, and during the day things seemed to go pretty well.

This morning, I got up at 7:00 to play tennis with Adam.

I came back at 8:00 to find B in the office in tears and typing. Apparently she was reporting to her sponsor.

I asked if she was ok and got the “I’m fine…” with no eye contact.

She went on a run and didn’t want me to go with her or talk to her.

It’s times like this that I really need to ask: “What would you have me do Heavenly Father?’

One of the things I feel he would have me do is to BE PATIENT and UNDERSTANDING. I think he’d also want me to write out my feelings and possibly work a step.

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So I worked part of Step 4. I felt I wrote out my thoughts and feelings and really tried to assess where I am, where I’ve been, and my honesty.

B went on a run and came back seeming to feel better. I was happy. But as she’d been here longer, she seemed to get more and more sad. She went back into the office and wrote more. I asked her if she was ok and she said she just needed to write.

So I took a shower and came back. She had written me a letter:

I am writing this to you because sometimes I feel like I cannot talk about things. I feel vulnerable, I feel mixed up and I don’t want to argue with you. I feel fearful when I see you begin to get defensive because this communicates to me that you are back in addictive behavior and destoys any trust I am trying to build that you will be able to recover. I want to communicate four things with you:

1. I feel hurt today as I remember J’s birthday one year ago. I remember being all keyed up that day and trying so hard to make it a fun day for our family. I made a healthy and fun picnic and we had a little water party in our backyard. I remember you coming out grudgingly and barking at everyone as we played out in the water. All you wanted to do was lay on the ground and take a nap. You wanted me to come lay on you and would pout and act resentful if I tried to play with the kids. You would bark at the kids if they tried to play with you. You acted like you didn’t have time for us. It is difficult to look back and wonder what else you were doing that day with who else. These are memories that will never go away and can never be erased. They will always be a part of who you are and a part of what you have done to our family. These are things that I will never allow to happen in my home to my children again.
2. I feel afraid today because of how things went yesterday. I don’t think you even notice it in yourself, but to me it is almost like black and white. When you perceive that you are “in trouble” with me, you are on your best behavior. You feel remorse and are humble. When I reach out and show you forgiveness or love, or you get sex, you turn right back into your old ways. After my class, all of the interactions I saw in you showed a return of quick to anger, impatience with the children, defensiveness if I said anything remotely critical to you (Quit criticizing Caleb when he’s trying to bat), and general irritation with everyone and everything. I feel like I cannot be responsible for keeping you in a humble place. I feel like as soon as you get sex, all of your remorse and humility goes away and you go right back to your selfish ways. I feel no trust in the sincerity of the foundation of your recovery, now or ever. In all honesty, I feel like I know very well how it feels to be needed, because you need me desperately, but I do not think I know what it feels to be loved. Truly, you need me. But I don’t know that you love me or if you have ever loved me. You just need me. And when you feel that I am not adequately filling those needs, you hate me.

I’ll leave the other two points off for now.

I feel dead inside.

I feel like all the efforts I’m making to recover are doing nothing to build back any trust.

I feel like I’m being watched with a microscope for any sign of past behaviors, and when and if they appear, they are focused on.

I feel little hope right now.

I feel similar to how I felt many times during my addictive actions – like no matter what I did, it didn’t seem to be enough.

Is that a real feeling or is that something I’m making up to justify or rationalize my behavior?

I don’t know.

I’m sure B would say the latter.

I feel so sick to my stomach right now.

I feel like I’m worth nothing.

It was interesting, as I was trying to read the letter from B, little J crawled up on my lap and gave me a big hug and kiss and wouldn’t leave.

I feel I truly love my family, B included. It makes me so sad to think she doesn’t feel I’ve ever loved her – that I’ve just needed her desperately.

Heavenly Father, what do you want me to do?

I just removed the subscribers I had to this blog feed so I don’t feel I’m writing for anyone but myself and God.

I feel like death.

I feel sorrow.

Why did I ever do what I did?

Why did I let things get to where they got?

What was I thinking?

Why wasn’t I thinking?

This is all I can say.