12 Essential Changes to Make for Full Recovery from Pornography & Sex Addiction

So, after the scary and gut-wrenching experience yesterday, I finally got a hold of the Bishop and went in to talk to him. We talked a lot about what had happened that day, why I felt it was happening, and what could be done.

Why I Felt My Wife Was Holding the Pain

This is one of the first things Bishop asked me – what does she need to help her let go of the pain and anger that have been caused by my actions?

I mentioned a few things:

1. She continues to ask about the online affair, bring it up, and almost relive it in her head. I think this is because she’s afraid if she forgets it, it will be like she’s in denial and we will slowly slip back into similar patterns of behavior.
2. She has been reading a lot of different books about the topic and some of them seem to contradict one another about how to handle the recovery from a spouse’s pornography and sex addiction. These different ideas can be confusing for both of us.
3. She’s really afraid she’s going to give her heart back to me and have me break it again.
4. She feels that I haven’t felt the pain enough or haven’t gone through enough of the consequences of my sins. She’s concerned that I got my temple recommend back too quickly and didn’t fully repent or wasn’t honest enough with the Bishop.

The Bishop and I talked about each of these concerns.

1. He asked if I had revealed everything to her about the online relationship – which I have. He then suggested that we quit talking about it, that we don’t mention the girl’s name, and that we try to set it aside and focus on recovery (just like B’s sponsor has asked her to do as well).

2. As far as the books, that’s a bit difficult. Some of the books are worth reading. Some are not. B and I talked about this last night and determined that the best things we can do are read the scriptures together, study the addiction recovery manual and steps, study the words of ancient and modern prophets, and work with our sponsor.

3. The fear of me relapsing is a valid concern, one I’m afraid of as well. One thought that came to my mind last night as she and I were talking was that, if I’m in recovery and if I’m staying away from the negative boundaries and working within the positive boundaries, that the trust can and will grow. This growth of trust will help in eliminating the fear and increasing the faith and hope that, through the Atonement, I can recover.

4. The last concern hopefully was resolved in most ways by me pro-actively going back to the Bishop, not only to go over those concerns with him, but also by letting her know that yes, I had told him all the details of my mistakes, yes, I was 100% honest, and yes, I am going through the repentance process the way I need to be.

While I was meeting with the Bishop, he texted B to have her come in and talk to him.

My Wife’s Interview with the Bishop

B said she was prepared for that talk with him to be a bit of a “poor Nate, Nate’s a victim” talk. She felt like I’d tattled on her or something, which wasn’t at all my intent, but I felt a little the same too since Bishop had asked me a lot of questions about what was happening with her.

Bishop had given her advice before to not talk to others about what had happened. At the time, that advice seemed valid. But after reading some books and going to the 12-step meeting, both B and I felt it was ok for her to talk with her mom about it, we felt it was ok for she and I to tell my parents, and I was supportive that she had a sponsor and had talked to a few other close friends.

Bishop was a bit disturbed that she’d talked to all these people. However, B told him straight up that she had done her research and that he was just wrong about this: talking about the pain and getting support is the way SHE needs to heal from all the pain I caused. She said after that, the talk went really well and he was very helpful and supportive.

Our Talk After the Bishop Interviews

The talk B and I had last night went really well. I could tell she was a bit on edge at first, but I let her share her thoughts on how the interview went and then shared my strong feelings about how talking about the online affair HAD TO STOP.

I told her a little while after that this was the first time in I didn’t know how long that I felt I was talking with a portion of the Spirit. I was able to take a strong stand, I was passionate about what I was saying, and what I said was true.

I felt so grateful for that realization and direction from Heavenly Father.

Since that talk went so well, I decided to put together a list of things I’m learning from this recovery process. Like my friend and new sponsor Steve has said, I’ve realized that if I want to truly recover from my addictions to pornography, lust and sex, I have to do things differently than I’ve done in the past, even though I have been in the 12-step program before.

Here’s the list I came up with.

12 Things I’ve Learned and Am Doing Different in My Addiction Recovery Process This Time

1. Talking about the mistakes I’ve made, after confession, is not really that helpful.Like I mentioned earlier, bringing up the details of my mistakes, the how’s, the where’s, the when’s, the why’s – none of that is helpful, for me or for my wife, in the process of recovery. The only thing it does is bring the pain right back to the forefront of our minds and is like starting over again and again. As long as I’ve been 100% honest and am not hiding anything, this stuff has to not come back to our conversation.
2. I can take a strong stand on a topic if I have the Spirit with me.This is one thing I recognized last night. During the past two years, I’ve always been afraid to take a strong stand on anything, especially gospel related, with B. I always thought that was because she was a better arguer or had thought things out more fully so she could always put me in my place. What I’ve realized though is that it has nothing to do with her arguing skills or any of that; the fact is that she has had the Spirit with her and has been telling the truth and I’ve been trying to sugar-coat my mistakes and sins. It’s no wonder I wasn’t able to say anything of value under the circumstances.
3. The fact that my wife set up boundaries and shared those with me is very helpful in my recovery.I will share these boundaries soon. They are so helpful for me to understand what she needs (and what she can’t put up with if I want to keep our marriage together). I like how she put very specific things, both negative behaviors and positive behaviors, and what would need to happen if those things occurred.
4. In my wife’s recovery process, I need to always pray for patience and understanding, knowing that at times she may share her pain and heart break in difficult terms.This is essential. In some of the talks we’ve had, especially when she’s going through a lot of pain, she’s said some really hurtful things. I feel lucky that I’ve been praying for understanding and empathy and patience, and that during those times, I’ve never been tempted to argue with her or say, “yeah but YOU…” Not only is that not going to help her release the pain I’ve caused, but it’s me falling back into my prideful and resentful (and addictive) ways.
5. Reading the scriptures together has been really helpful in both our recoveries.On June 4th I found a cool site that helps map out a reading plan for the Book of Mormon. I can enter in an end date and it will calculate a reading schedule. I set it so that we could finish the Book of Mormon by September 1st, 2014. We been reading every night and have stayed pretty close to the schedule. Not only has this been helpful to get us to go to bed at the same time, but it’s shown us so many scriptures that seem to help in our recovery. Plus, for me, it’s showing God that I’m willing to submit my will to Him.
6. Writing in a journal has been an important way for me to connect with myself and with God in my recovery.Writing is what God commanded the Nephites to do back then. Writing helps me get my thoughts out on paper. Writing is a great source of recovery. Not only does it help me capture thoughts that I may have never really understood, but it helps me connect with God and tell him, through my writing, what I want most. I’m glad I don’t feel like I’m writing for anyone except myself and Him.
7. Meeting with a counselor and ecclesiastical leader is essential for true recovery from addiction.
8. I’m grateful my wife and I both have a sponsor and that my wife’s sponsor has a specific plan for how the relationship can work.
9. For my wife, reliving my sins in her head and bringing them up again and again has kept her in a trap of sadness and pain.
10. Determining what my “weapons of war” are and then “burying those weapons” are changes that have helped me in my recovery.
11. Keeping track of my recovery date and sharing that with my 12-step group has been helpful for accountability and tracking progress.
12. It’s all about “one day at a time” – if I think too far ahead, the fear of being able to submit to God that far in advance can cause me to doubt myself and my abilities to abstain. Focusing on today is all I can do in my recovery.