The Ongoing Work of Recovery

Today has definitely been better than yesterday. Yesterday was a tough day: Becky was having a really hard day, we exchanged journal entries, she responded to my journal entry with additional feelings, and it was just as tough as the day or so after I revealed my huge mistakes.

It just makes me sick to think about how I even got to where I got.

I don’t know WHAT I was thinking.

I guess the positive of all this tough time is that it’s really reminding me how I never want to go to those places ever again. I don’t want to rationalize, justify, or down-talk anything I’ve done, nor do I want to make excuses or feel shame or blame.

So today I’m going to work on my inventory and the other assignments for Gordan. Stay tune…

Well, I finished my inventory version 3. It’s 3,221 words long and is a pretty detailed rendition of thoughts, feelings, actions, and regret.

I could probably add some of the good things I’ve done but for now will keep it as it is.

Another task from the program I’m in is called the “Rocking Chair Assignment”. Here’s the explanation:

The gift of imagination can provide many things for us. This assignment encourages you to transport yourself through to periods of time in the future. Take an honest look at what impact your addictive behaviors will have on your loved one and your relationship with them (spouse, children, grandchildren, etc.) in the future. Describe what it would be like five years from now, then 10 years from now, 20 years and so forth.

In 5 years I will be 41 years old My children will be 14, 12, 10, 7, and 4.

If I continue in the direction of addictive behaviors, my life would look as follows:

This is pretty easy to answer, especially with the boundaries Becky and I have agreed upon. If I were to continue in my addictive behaviors I would not be with my family at all. I would probably be living in the Springville apartment with a roommate. I would be so full of anger and regret. I would be most likely not doing as well financially because of the terrible path my addictive life would have led me down. I may even be dead due to suicide or falling into other addictions.

My family would be a mess. Caleb and Madi would have distanced themselves from me and probably wouldn’t want anything to do with me. My parents, I don’t even know how they would handle the situation, and I don’t want to know either.

Becky and I would not have a relationship at all due to my terrible choices, which would have violated all hope and trust she had in me or our future together. I would have lost the home of our dreams. I would have had to sell the Somerset property and split that with Becky.

My life would be a MESS.

In 10 years, I will be 46 years old. My children will be 19, 17, 15, 12 and 9 years old.

If I continue in the direction of addictive behaviors, my life would look as follows:

Similar to my 5 year plan. However, now would be even tougher: Caleb would be on a mission (or he WOULDN’T be due to my mistakes, which he may have followed inadvertently), Madi would be a Senior in High School and who knows what a divorce and broken family would do to her. Chloe would be in trouble with boys, being in either junior high or first year of high school. Jayden would be a deacon and I wouldn’t be able to have any part in his ordination or get to see him pass the sacrament for the first time. Baby Tyson would be 9 and I wouldn’t have had the chance to baptize him or confirm him a member of the church. By this time, I’d guess Becky would have moved on, found a new husband, someone she loves and adores so much more than me.

I would be a terrible mess. I would be living on food stamps and barely able to keep any type of job due to my obsession with my addiction.

I would most likely be dead.

If not dead, I would want to be dead.

In 20 years, I will be 66 years old. My children will be 29, 27, 25, 22 and 19 years old.

If I continue in the direction of addictive behaviors, my life would look as follows:

NOTHING! If I continued in my addictive behaviors this long, I know I wouldn’t be around. I would have nothing to live for. My kids would now have children of their own, at least some of them, and they probably wouldn’t want me around to influence them. The new husband to Becky would be the official “grandpa” and I would be out of the picture.

This would be a living HELL for sure.

I don’t even want to imagine this scenario.

I’m 80 years old sitting in a rocking chair, reflecting on my life.

This is what I see if I don’t change the direction my life is heading:

Misery.

Remorse.

Loneliness.

Sickness.

Regret.

Death.

I don’t imagine I would even be around to tell what I see 80 years from now if my life continues in addiction to pornography, sex and other things. How could I even want to be alive? How could I even comprehend what life would be like without Becky and my children and their children? How could I live to tell people the awfulness I’ve made of my life?

I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to write this story. I don’t want to even think what it’d be like to go through life in my addiction this long.

I’m willing to do whatever I can to maintain recovery every day for the rest of my life. I want to be able to report to my Heavenly Father that, from the time of my big mistakes, I have lived as close to Him as I possibly could, that my life is turned over to him, and that, because of the help of Him and His Son, I am in recovery and am happy to be alive.

I want to cherish my wife. I want to love her with all my heart. I want to love and support my kids in their talents and interests. I want to teach them and warn them and help them avoid addiction in all its poisons. I want to help others submit their will to God in an effort to overcome their addictions.

I want to be free from Satan’s chains once and for all.

I want to be a humble follower of Jesus Christ and never look back at the fiery serpent of Satan.

I want to “put off the natural man”.

I want to become what my Heavenly Father wants me to become.

This is where I am today and where I want to be at the age of 80, sitting in a rocking chair with my grandkids and talking about how life used to be.

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There is one more task I’d like to complete before my next meeting with Gordan. It’s called the “Letter to your Addict”. Here’s what it says:

The purpose of this letter is to state your intentions to free yourself of an abusive relationship that has been going on for many years. This letter should address the lies that the addict has told you in the past, the broken promises, etc. It is a statement of your intentions to no longer be a victim of your addict. It is the beginning statement of resolve to live a healthier and more productive life.

I’m out of time today but will work on this tomorrow morning.

I feel good about my progress today towards recovery and look forward to another day of submitting my will to God.

Hasta manana!

Nate