Some people consider addictions to be simply bad habits that can be conquered by willpower alone, but many people become so dependent on a behavior or a substance that they no longer see how to abstain from it. They lose perspective and a sense of other priorities in their lives. Nothing matters more than satisfying their desperate need. When they try to abstain, they experience powerful physical, psychological, and emotional cravings. As they habitually make wrong choices, they find their ability to choose the right diminished or restricted. As President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught: “Addiction has the capacity to disconnect the human will and nullify moral agency. It can rob one of the power to decide” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1989, 16; or Ensign, Nov. 1989, 14).
Do you consider addiction to be a bad habit that can be conquered by will power alone? Why or why not?
No, definitely not. I’ve tried to “conquer this bad habit” off and on for 25 years. I’ve went to bishops, repented, thought I was clean and over it, and then when tough times come around, when I feel lonely or disconnected, it raises its evil head again and I haven’t been able to stop it. I don’t have the willpower to fight this battle. I realize that the addiction is bigger than me and will always win the battle of will. This is why I am practicing submitting my will to God and turning it over to Him.
I admit, I get a bit scared about this – fear that I don’t really know if I’m doing it “right”, fear that I will revert to old ways of thinking, fear that I’m only doing things different this time because I’m more aware of the consequences. But I have to realize that that fear doesn’t come from God, that fear comes from the limbic part of my brain that deals with pain prevention and pleasure seeking.
Saying a prayer is how I submit to God. Working the steps of the program is how I submit to God. Telling Him “I can’t do this – help me!” is how I submit to God.
I will continue to take things one day at a time and not think much about the long-term future: today I know I can submit to Him and I’ll be protected.
Have you become so dependent on a behavior or substance that you can no longer see how to abstain from it? Describe.
In the past, yes, I’d become so dependent on pornography, on lust and on risque communication with “the mistake” that I didn’t think there was a way out. In the past I was completely blind as well. I didn’t really think about a way out at the time. I’m not ever sure what changed in my head. I think it was seeing that I was slowly destroying my life, my marriage, and the relationship with my kids. I’m grateful today that something inside me had the courage to reach out to my new bishop and start the process of recovery. I’m grateful Becky asked me about pornography again on that date night where she could tell things were off. I’m grateful I was honest with her, both then and later (although it was so hard).
Today, though, I don’t feel those dependencies. Today is a new day in recovery and all I feel dependent on is doing what Heavenly Father wants me to do.
Have you lost perspective and a sense of other priorities in your life? Give examples.
I had in the past. I have talked to Becky about this – I’m not sure how I ever made any money and got things done in the past. I would waste hours at a time, if not an entire day, looking at pictures, lusting, or having an online chat. I didn’t think what those choices were doing to me, both spiritually and temporally, I just acted out.
I had goals and objectives for my career, but they would quickly get pushed to the side as I acted out in my addictions.
I never really considered how bad I was hurting my wife and family as I chose to act out; it was always all about me – what I wanted, what I felt I deserved, what I “needed” at the time. Oh how blind and stupid and selfish I was.
I never want to have those feelings (or lack of feelings) again. I never want to give in to the “carnal Nate” again. I want to have on my spiritual glasses today and look to God first as I make decisions and goals.
Have you come to a point where nothing matters more than satisfying the desperate need? Give an example.
Yes, I’d come to that point. I would stay up until all hours of the night chatting with “the mistake.” I would wake up and go to my office in order to start the chat again or look at images. The addiction was weaved throughout my day. I was so caught up in it that I didn’t even realize how harmful it was becoming. I lied to myself and believed every word. I put off doing the most important things, both in my spiritual life and in my career, only to satisfy another addictive desire.
Just writing this stuff out makes me sick.
I’m glad today is a new day in recovery.
When you try to abstain do you experience powerful physical, psychological and emotional cravings? Give an example of each.
When I was in the heart of my addiction, I don’t really remember experiencing a “try to abstain” attitude. Yes, I did think about things like “This has to stop,” from time to time, especially in regard to “the mistake.” But I didn’t really try to abstain, I just kept doing whatever I wanted to do.
I think most of the cravings came psychologically or emotionally – I would tell myself why I was justified in doing what I was doing. I would constantly be thinking about sex or lust or those carnal desires. I would put off doing other things so that I could fulfill my lustful desires.
Today is different though. I was telling Becky yesterday that I truly feel Heavenly Father is changing me. I couldn’t remember a single time yesterday that those types of thoughts came into my mind or heart. I was focused on recovery and then work. I took a nap, which really helped since I’d been up working on a project late the night before. I felt so grateful that those temptations, although I recognize they are still there – I didn’t feel them come into my thought processes.
I know that that isn’t me – that is only through the grace and mercy of a loving Heavenly Father. I know it’s not me because I’d tried off and on my whole life to eliminate those thoughts and feelings and could never truly do it by myself. I needed a higher power to help me. And His arms are outreached still.
Have you habitually made wrong choices? Give examples.
For sure. For about 2 or 3 months, I habitually looked at images online and chatted with “the mistake” off and on. I didn’t think about much else. I kept digging myself deeper and deeper into my addiction. I made mistakes that I never thought I’d make.
I hurt myself, my wife, and my kids so bad. I acted in anger all the time. I was resentful and “past feeling.” I was spiritually sick.
I stayed up late to act in my addiction and justified it as work.
I participated in chats throughout the day as I “worked” on other things.
I was completely lost. I can’t believe that was even me. It seems like a terrible dream.
Have you found the ability to choose the right diminished or restricted? Give examples.
Yes, in the past I don’t think I even thought about choosing the right, at least not consciously. In the past all I thought about was satisfying my natural man tendencies. In the past, I was just living for the now and not thinking clearly about what those choices were going to do to my future.
In the past, I didn’t have the Spirit with me at all. I recognize what that feels like now – it’s a lonely and bland feeling. There’s minimal emotion or feeling at all. In the past I didn’t even know what the right was anymore.
I’m grateful that today is different. I’m grateful to have tasted the bitter so I appreciate the sweet.
Do you feel there has been a disconnect from your will? Do you feel robbed of the power to decide? How?
When I was acting out in my addiction, absolutely. I was being led by some force I don’t even know. Luckily, I feel I did have maybe a small portion of power to decide, because I decided to stop the online chats and begin the process of recovery at least in a small way. But while I was in the thick of it, I didn’t have much if any power at all.
In the past I just acted or was acted upon. In the past I feel that I was beyond feeling. In the past my will was swallowed up in the will of Satan – he was trying so hard to destroy me and my family by leading me down a dark and dreary path of destruction, carefully leading me down to hell.
I don’t know how I got out of it. I don’t know how Heavenly Father was so merciful to give me a glimmer of hope. I know a lot of it had to do with the guidance Becky was receiving – the things she said, the dream she had – all of those little things reminded me of where I was and the direction I was facing, but I wasn’t very receptive to them.
I’m so grateful that, through the prayers of others, I was able to come back, admit my mistakes in full to the Bishop, to Becky, and even to my parents – and start the process of recovery through submitting my will to God.
I can’t even imagine being in that awful place again. I don’t want to imagine being there. I can’t believe I was even there.
I pray that today I will submit my will and life to God and let Him direct me for good.
I’m grateful for this study today. I’m grateful that today I’m choosing to submit my will to Him and live another day in recovery from my addictions to pornography, lust, and sex.
Yesterday was a good day at the meeting. I got to talk with Spencer a bit about starting the sponsorship program. I also got to talk briefly with Alan about his running. I don’t want to run faster than I’m able but I would, at some point, be interested in running with him as a way to keep my life in balance. We’ll see.
I’ve been studying now for over 30 minutes due to the fact that today’s questions where longer, but I want to read a little more about grace and how that can apply to me in my recovery.
The talk I’m going to read is called “Words of the Early Apostles: Grace.”
I like this story about grace that is shared in the talk:
Some years ago, President David O. McKay (1873–1970) related a story which illustrates the relationship between works and grace. He told of a group of boys who were learning to swim when one fell into a treacherous hole in the stream. The boy would have drowned but for a quick-thinking companion who extended a branch to him and helped pull him to shore.
“There are those who claim that no one will sink and be lost if he will look to Jesus on the shore and say, ‘I believe.’ There are others who declare that every one must by his own efforts swim to the shore or be lost forever. The real truth is that both of these extreme views are incorrect. Christ redeemed all men from death which was brought upon them through no act of theirs, but He will not save men from their personal transgressions who will put forth no effort themselves, any more than the young rescuer on the river bank could have saved the drowning lad if the latter had not seized the means provided him. Neither can man save himself without accepting the means provided by Christ for man’s salvation.” 2
I like this scripture too, that is Paul talking to the believers – the same Paul that said by grace we are saved:
1 And it came to pass, that, while Apollos was at Corinth, Paul having passed through the upper coasts came to Ephesus: and finding certain disciples,
2 He said unto them, Have ye received the Holy Ghost since ye believed? And they said unto him, We have not so much as heard whether there be any Holy Ghost.
3 And he said unto them, Unto what then were ye baptized? And they said, Unto John’s baptism.
4 Then said Paul, John verily baptized with the baptism of repentance, saying unto the people, that they should believe on him which should come after him, that is, on Christ Jesus.
5 When they heard this, they were baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus.
6 And when Paul had laid his hands upon them, the Holy Ghost came on them; and they spake with tongues, and prophesied. (see Acts 19:1–6; Eph. 4:1–15)
So how does this apply to me?
I can say “I believe!” I can do good things. But the only way I can truly be saved is through the grace of God. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I believe, I’m always going to fall short. But, I can be perfected in Christ. And this is through the grace and mercy of a loving Heavenly Father who wants me to succeed.
I like this explanation as well:
Paul also teaches, “If righteousness come by the law, then Christ is dead in vain” (Gal. 2:21). The meaning is obvious: if man had the capacity to obey the law of justice perfectly, there would be no need for a Savior (Christ).
To me, this means “If I could do this all on my own and live by the law of justice, I wouldn’t need the Savior’s atonement.” But this isn’t true: no matter how close I try to live the law and follow the commandments, I’m going to fall short. This is where grace comes in and picks up the slack, bridges the gap.
This talk is one of my favorites.
I plan to study it again tomorrow (since I’ve been studying now for an hour and a half and need to get ready for work).
Hasta luego!
Nate
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