I hope you got my email yesterday. And I hope we can find a time to talk tomorrow or Sunday.
Today was a good day. Becky woke up early and went shopping with my mom while I stayed back with the kids for breakfast and hanging out. We ate breakfast, then went outside and played soccer and climbed our big tree in the backyard.
We all had fun for about an hour or so and then I got a message from Becky wondering what the plan was. I told her we were ready to come to meet her and do some shopping, eat and all be together.
We got everyone ready and headed to Twin Falls where we met the ladies getting their nails done.
We had a good afternoon shopping. I was very aware of the situation (as malls are not necessarily the best place when it comes to looking around, people watching and lust). I said a few prayers and did everything I could to submit and surrender. And, like always, I felt Heavenly Father was there to lighten the load. I felt good that it wasn’t a feeling of “I can’t, I can’t” but instead a feeling of “I’m here, I know this is a dangerous place, help me,” and He was there to help. I felt like the help comes by getting me involved in playing with the kids or helping out in a way that I don’t even have time to think about the other stuff. I’d heard of these feelings before but wasn’t sure how much I really believed it. Today, and yesterday, and other times too, I totally have felt His influence to help me through times I could never handle on my own. I’m so grateful for this improved understanding and awareness.
Once we got home from shopping we ate left over turkey and relaxed for a bit in preparation to go see Santa turn on the lights at the square. The younger kids were really excited and that made it all worth it.
We also walked around the festival of trees and enjoyed the fireworks show.
When we got home, we had hot chocolate and talked about how the day went. I had a good talk with Caleb about some of the things that had happened with he and I and he and his sister. It was almost as if we were doing step 10 together, which felt really good for both of us I felt.
When the kids finally got down to bed, my parents, Becky and I played Phase 10 until pretty late.
Then Becky and I came to bed, did our AEIOUYs, and talked about how we are feeling, what’s happening in our recovery, and other great topics about the direction we are facing.
It’s hard for her to be here and remember how things have been in the past and she didn’t really know what was going on. I get that: I don’t really know where I was at at those times in the past either. I talked to her about how, even in the really tough times, there was still a part of me that wanted to rid myself of the addiction. There was still a part of me that was trying to at least white-knuckle it.
I also talked to her about how days like yesterday and today could have been extremely hard in the past. I explained as clearly as I could why the chin up approach and lust are so much a part of recovery or relapse in my addiction process. By keeping my chin up, it serves as a measuring stick of sorts as to where I am in recovery and my willingness to submit my will to God’s will.
I told Becky how much of a miracle I feel it’s been to be able to submit my will to Him through prayer and then just feel the burdens lightened (not removed) from my shoulders.
I’m so grateful for Becky.
I’m so grateful she is trying to forgive me for all the pain I’ve caused.
I’m so grateful that she is willing to talk to me about recovery.
I’m so grateful to be here in Idaho and be practicing living in recovery – something I don’t feel I’ve ever really done in the past.
I’m grateful for this holiday season. I’m hopeful that I can make it special and memorable for Becky and for the kids.
I’m grateful to be ready to start a new month with clients. I’m hopeful that I can finalize some of the projects that have been dragging on for too long.
I’m grateful to be writing this journal entry even though it’s terribly late.
I’m grateful that tomorrow is a new day in recovery.
I hope we can make a time work tomorrow.
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