Day 11 – Step Work
The Book of Mormon prophet Ammon plainly stated the truth we discovered when we were finally honest with ourselves: “I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God. Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things” (Alma 26:11–12).
Become willing to abstain.
Even though people’s addictions are different, some truths, like this one, never vary—nothing begins without an individual’s will to make it begin. Freedom from addiction and cleanliness begin with a tiny flicker of will. People say individuals finally become willing to abstain when the pain of the problem becomes worse than the pain of the solution. Have you come to that point? If you have not and you continue in your addiction, you surely will reach that point because addiction is a progressive problem. Like a degenerative disease, it eats at your ability to function normally.
Has the pain of the problem become worse than the pain of the solution? Describe how.
For sure. The pain of the solution has been pretty difficult and has been ongoing for some time. Talking with Becky about what had happened broke her heart, lost all trust in me as a person, and caused potentially unrepairable damage.
However, the pain of the problem was only going to get worse and worse. I was a different person. I was so lost and so caught up in self-deception, self-pity, and self-indulgence that I didn’t even really realize what was going on.
I was always mad and didn’t know why. It seemed like it didn’t take much to get me really frustrated, confrontational, and ultimately resentful.
Today that is different though. Today that pain of the problem has seemed to dissipate and the pain of the solution is getting better every day as I submit my will to God and do things that help gain back the trust a little bit at a time.
I feel like a new person and I know it’s nothing I’ve really done on my own except being willing turn my life and will over to God. Everyday is an opportunity to do this.
Are you willing to abstain from your addiction with the Lord’s help as you work this program of recovery? (Note: “Willing to abstain” means willing to stop acting out and stay stopped, one day at a time.)
Yes! I love this type of question because this is where I feel like I am today. I know that if I’m not cautious and aware, I can fall right back to where I’ve been, but today I’m willing to abstain, to submit my will to God, and to live in recovery by not acting out, by staying stopped, and by focusing on one day at at time.
Today is day 300 of me living one day at a time in recovery from addiction to lust, pornography, masturbation and inappropriate sexual relationships.
Do you believe addiction is a progressive problem?
Of course. I’ve seen that happen to me 100%. My addiction to pornography started by looking at swimsuit issues or watching MTV where the women weren’t naked completely (although it was pretty close). These actions, though, led to where I ended up – talking with someone online and fantasizing about a sexual relationship. In essence, this relationship was just a progression of pornography – it was simulating what I’d been looking at or imagining since the first time I looked at the swimsuit issue.
As I’ve learned, for addicts the saying is this: “Once is too much, and 1,000 times is never enough.” I’m grateful that today, right now, I feel no temptation to go back to that progressive problem. In fact, I want to stay so far away from it today, which I feel is also a progressive feeling – but a good one.
What experiences have helped convince you of this fact?
Just like I said above – my whole addictive process has progressed one step at a time until I have made choices and done things I never thought I’d do.
The only requirement to begin recovery is the desire to stop participating in the addiction. If your desire is small and inconsistent today, don’t worry. It will grow!
Describe your willingness to stop participating in your addiction.
My willingness to stop participating in my addiction is strong today. I’ve felt pain and remorse that I never hope to feel again in my life. I’ve seen how destructive my addiction has been on my relationship with Becky, with my kids, and with God. I don’t ever want to put myself or those I love in those situations again.
Today is day 300 of my recovery process. I realize that the only way this has been possible is due to my submitting my will over to God moment by moment. When or if I’m tempted to look at a girl to lust after her, whether it be online or offline, I want to stop, say a quick prayer in my mind, and ask God to help me not go there: I know going there will only open the door to my natural man tendencies.
I’m willing to do whatever God wants me to do to rid my life of these addictions.
How has this changed from past attempts?
It’s had to. Everything I’ve done in the past has been inadequate. I’ve been close to this willingness before but even then, I don’t feel I was in true recovery from lust, from dabbling and browsing, from social media – these are the core issues I’ve had to turn over to God and “bury” as weapons of war that I know can never be a part of my life again.
It’s also had to change due to the inspired boundaries Becky put together for me not long after I came clean. She wrote down things that would happen if I continued in my addictions, and she wrote down things that would happen if I worked on recovery via the program, a counselor, a sponsor, and by trying to submit my will to God each day and not practice addictive behaviors that lead to addiction actions.
I’m grateful that today is different. I’m grateful that this time in recovery, I’m willing to do things differently and submit completely.
I’m grateful that the Atonement is real and that I can feel recovery as I turn my life over to Him.
This study felt really good. I feel so lucky to be where I am today.
I know this isn’t me exercising my will or self-discipline. I can’t and haven’t been able to do this on my own. I have to submit my will to God.
I recognize that one of my biggest problems is self-doubt, not thinking I’m doing enough, and perfectionism. But I’m grateful to be aware of that and to know that as long as I’m doing my best, Christ will help me pick up the slack – I can be “perfected in Him.”
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