Today was another harder day.
I felt anxiety about projects, I felt like I put things off, I felt shame because I didn’t get everything done, and I felt anger at myself for having these feelings.
I did get some things done. I didn’t relapse. And I did try to submit my will to God.
One thing that helped was to get out with Becky and the kids. We took Beck to UVU for her class and then the kids and I went and bought paint, got a treat, and then we went back to UVU to play catch and run around. I felt when I was there I submitted my will and turned my attention completely to the kids. This helped me get my mind off of all I have to do.
I can only do what I can do. I’m grateful to have the deals I have. I want to get everything done. I’m hopeful that tomorrow I can be up by 7:30, do my step work, do a study in the scriptures, and kneel to pray out loud. I feel strong that these actions will show God that I’m willing to do His will and I’m ready to be who He wants me to be.
I’m grateful to be in recovery. I’m grateful that the work I was doing today didn’t lead me down a path that it has in the past. I’m aware of the triggers that are out there and want to assure myself that my weapons of war are buried.
I think one good idea would be that when I need to search for specific images for clients or my own work, that Becky is there to be with me. Today I was looking for product pricing lists or something like that and there were a few images that I had to scroll through quickly. I don’t feel I stopped or came back, but just getting close to anything like that makes me feel uncomfortable.
I’m grateful to have those feelings and feel they come dr the Holy Ghost who is warning me of danger.
I look forward to tomorrow when I can submit my will to God.
One other thing – Becky has been having a hard time too. She’s scared about the baby, scared about how she can see I’m having a hard time, and scared about what’s coming up with the baby. I understand how she feels and I’m scared too. I hope I can be strong during all the upcoming events and be there to support her and love her like I do.
I’m grateful we were able to talk about some of this tonight.