What to write about today?
Early to bed, early to rise maybe? Last night we got to bed just after 10:00 and I’m up today at 5:35. I thought I’d heard something so I got up to look around – nothing. So I just decided to stay up and do my study and writing before BNI.
Today Dylan is going to come with me to BNI, which should be good. I’ll need to prep him on what he is going to say and how the meeting works.
Becky and I had a good walk and talk last night where we did our AEIOU’s. We talked about how things are going with the Dylan situation. She suggested that I really need to think about things that I don’t want to do anymore, make a list, and then start assigning those things to Dylan to manage and take over.
Here’s my shot at that:
- Small editing tasks for clients
- Updating images on sites
- Creating emails for MM
- Setting up a demo site
- Doing clean up on a demo site
- Support tickets with Grove
- Answering email questions
What I really want to focus on the majority of the time is new business interactions and repeat business from current clients. I’ll also need to manage Dylan and the contractors as well. This will cause me to think through what I need to accomplish and then put together a list of things that they can do to help me meet those objectives.
I decided to look at the Mormon Message series about addiction recovery.
I watched Step 1: Honesty – which is about a man with sexual addition. This is one quote that stuck out to me:
Because of the love and grace of the Savior, you don’t have to be what you have been.
Here’s the video:
I’m grateful the church is publishing these videos. I’m grateful they don’t seem to be sugar-coated or minimize the gravity of what addiction really is.
One thing that has been on my mind lately in regard to working with Adam Moore is the “full disclosure” concept. I feel I’ve been 100% honest about the big mistake to Becky. I told her from start to finish what happened there and I don’t think I minimized or anything.
What I worry about, I think, is going back through my entire addiction process with her. That addiction process started when I was young and had lots of valleys, some of which I don’t know if I’ve even recognized myself. Some of those valleys included relationships with girls in High School or college – gratefully we didn’t have sex, but the relationships were inappropriate.
I looked up Adam’s website and found this:
Too often, when addictions are discovered or even disclosed, the addict shares only sanitized pieces of the addiction “story.” He or she might think, “The whole truth is too painful for my spouse (or others) to hear. I have to protect others from the discomfort my story will create.” This approach leaves the addict feeling ashamed about keeping secrets and leaves partners feeling that there are missing pieces to the story.
A full disclosure is best presented in a therapy setting after ample preparation on the part of the addict as well as the affected partner. Partners need time to emotionally prepare for the whole story. They also need an opportunity to ask all of the healthy questions they want answered in order to know how to proceed with the relationship.
Addicts need time to confront denial, carefully write an accurate and honest representation of the history of the addiction, and thoughtfully answer questions that the partner prepares.
Rushed or poorly prepared disclosures can actually do more damage than good, which is why full disclosure is one of the key elements of full recovery and is a primary focus in early recovery therapy sessions.
This states pretty clearly what I will need to do, and this scares me. But I’m willing to do whatever I need to do to feel the cleansing power of the Atonement in my life.
I like this section for my sponsees:
There is no recovery without accountability. Addiction happens in isolation and in secret. Recovery is open and honest, and shared. Accountability is about being honest about slips and relapses during the recovery process, but it is about much more than that as well. Accountability means recognizing the pain and shame triggers that lead back into old habits of sexual acting out behaviors. Real accountability involves being honest long before the trigger or thought to act out transforms into behavior. Regular, daily accountability with trusted others is one of the key predictors of successful recovery.
And I liked this section for Becky and I:
So much of addiction to pornography is a misguided attempt to feel connected, valued, cared about, or loved. Real relationships can be scary. They involve risk of rejection and emotional pain. Pornography’s false intimacy allows people to avoid the risks of relationships while imaging what real human connection is like. Not surprisingly, pornography does not provide any of the benefits of real relationships, so people are left feeling flat. In recovery, we work toward learning how to have real, intimate relationships that are fulfilling. This includes emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, and spiritual intimacy. This type of real connection makes the false intimacy of pornography irrelevant.
This is one thing I’ve really felt different about since I’ve started living in real recovery: the emotional connection I feel with Becky many times is so powerful and fulfilling. Physical connection is also amazing, but it is most often the icing on the cake after powerful emotional connection. This is never something I even thought about or knew existed before recovery.
I’m so grateful Becky and I are able to connect emotionally today.
I’m so grateful for the amazing person she is and that she still wants to connect with me emotionally after all I’ve put her through.
I am afraid of the story I’ll have to create about my addiction history. Luckily, I do feel I’ve done thorough Step 4 inventories in the past that I can pull data from fairly easily.
I may try to call Adam today to discuss and prepare for that situation when the time comes.
I’m grateful for recovery today. I’m grateful for the awareness I feel of my own nothingness and my need for the Savior in my life.
I’m so, so grateful for Becky. I never, ever want to hurt her or the kids again. I’ve been so terrible and so deceitful in the past and just thinking about that makes me sick to my stomach.
I’m grateful that today I can choose to live in recovery and heal from the bad choices I’ve made.
Today is a new day.