Last night was another weird night for dreams. I don’t even know what it was about exactly, but I remember feeling really isolated, lonely, and maybe even a bit angry.
We were on an excursion. I believe Becky was there, at least somewhere, but I was with a bunch of guys I didn’t know. They were climbers but we were on a ride on something like a raft but on a bumpy road.
It just felt weird. I remember one guy yelling at a girl we passed, “You’re NAKED!” I remember putting my head down and recommending he not say that, to which he just laughed.
Then I remember getting to a restaurant or fast food place. This is where I saw Becky but it was like she was with all of them and didn’t want to talk to me. It then jumped to she and I talking about feelings: about how I felt lonely, isolated, fearful, resentful, and sad.
Not long after that, I woke up.
I don’t know what’s going on in my mind the past couple days. I know it’s related to the fear I have of not being the best I can be with work, hitting goals, growing, improving. Becky shared a few feelings with me this morning that helped, but I still feel anxiety today.
I did get some good work done this morning, yes, before writing this, for the U. It seems to me that the meeting I had with them last week sparked a bit of fire under Dan to push his team and want to improve. I’m grateful for this and want to be an influential part in making their online presence better and more profitable.
Am I scared? Yes! But I do feel I have a lot of knowledge on the subject and can bring them ideas and direction that the currently don’t have.
I’m going to go the scriptures right now to find an answer to how I can best cope with my fears and feelings…
In a talk by Elder Hales titled “The Plan of Salvation: A Sacred Treasure of Knowledge to Guide Us,” it says this:
Opposition gives us a priceless opportunity to turn to God and rely on Him. Because good and evil are constantly before us, we can clearly express the desires of our hearts by embracing one and rejecting the other.
Am I going through “opposition” right now? I don’t think so. Maybe opposition in my own mind. Maybe a feeling of “I have to prove that I can grow and become what I think I should become.” Yes, this is opposition to what God wants me to become maybe.
Do I have the patience to wait and listen to what God wants me to be?
This is interesting: the next sentence said this:
Opposition can be found in Satan’s temptations but also in our own weakness, the mortal frailties that are inherent in the human condition.
What I feel is happening is my own human weakness. It’s my weakness and my strength – persistence. I want to push, push, push, but I’m realizing that I can only do what I can do. I can’t run faster than I’m able.
I feel this is an answer too, although I’m not sure how to implement it:
Once we understand the grand panorama of the plan and see ourselves in it, we gain something invaluable, even essential: eternal perspective. Eternal perspective informs our daily decisions and actions. It steadies our minds and souls. When persuasive but eternally flawed opinions swirl about us, we are steadfast and immovable.
…understanding the plan of salvation, coupled with sincere prayer, changes the way we see life, everyone around us, and ourselves.
I think these are answers.
I think I just need to take things a step at a time, not worry too much about tomorrow, and be grateful for what I’ve been given today. I need to seek God’s will for what I can do today and how I can be honest in my dealings today. I need to do the best I can, fulfill what I can fulfill, and be ever watchful and prayerful today.
I need to surrender my will to His through study, reading, writing and prayer, and through practicing patience with myself, with Becky, and with the kids. I love them so much and never want to hurt them or cause them to lose trust in me again.
I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ and want to be happy and content.
I look forward to a day in recovery!