I feel pretty sick to my stomach for a couple reasons this morning:
- Becky and I had a talk last night about how things went with Adam Moore. I could tell from when I saw her after the meeting that it was really emotional. Apparently, the whole online affair subject has been opened back up: Becky told Adam that every time we have sex, she imagines herself to be the big mistake or some other woman I’ve lusted after. This makes me feel so sick to my stomach. I’ve felt, over the last at least year in recovery, that our relationship was on the mend, that we were connecting emotionally and physically better than we ever had and that it was real. It appears I was wrong.
I feel sick that, from what I gather, the whole big mistake is going to be talked about again, possibly in another full disclosure. I’m open to do whatever needs to be done, but I feel like re-hashing details that I already disclosed in full (minus what was actually said, which I don’t even truly remember at this point) is not how the Atonement or repentance works. Why would we need to keep talking about it? What good will it do to relive 3 years ago all over again?
Like I said, I’m willing to talk about whatever needs to be talked about, but I feel so sad about what I’ve done to Becky, about the pain I’ve caused, and especially about how she feels when we have been intimate over the last two years…
- Full disclosure – I truly feel sick about this too. I’m not 100% sure what it means, but my understanding is that I go through my Step 4 inventory with Becky (or a Step 1 inventory). I tell her about how the addiction started, where it went, what happened with girls in my high school and college years, things like that. Again, I’m willing to reveal anything that will help, but I feel so shameful thinking about the past and who I’ve been.
Our talk was pretty good last night, although I feel pretty detached from Becky. I feel like we are reliving the hardest times again. I feel sick to think about the trauma that I’ve caused her and what it’s done to her mentally and emotionally.
I feel sick to think that the emotional roller coaster is back in full force – that Becky seems far away, that the tears are all fresh and new, and that the wounds seem to be re-opened.
I feel confused about what the last two years have been – what has my recovery meant? is what I’m doing not enough? have I not been completely honest with myself or with Becky or with God over the last two years?
I’ve thought, for the last two years, that although things have been really difficult, really emotional, and really bad at times, that we were living a “new normal,” that we were in recovery together, that we were truly connecting and feeling closeness that we’ve never truly felt before, at least not at this new level.
Am I wrong about all of that?
Based on our conversation last night, it seems I am.
Today is today though. All I can do is focus on now, today, and get done what I need to get done.
I watched this video from the Mormon Channel. Even watching it makes me feel uneasy – how many corners am I going to have to paint myself out of before this is resolved?
I want Becky to feel safe.
I want to have the best relationship.
I never want to go back to where I’ve been.
I never want to be the “carnal Nate” I once was.
I want to live in recovery.
I want to make amends and be clean.
When I am wrong, I want to promptly admit it.
I feel a little better after this study. I read some information on Adam’s website that was helpful in explaining full disclosure and the process he uses to help the recovery process. I believe it and want to be part of it.
I look forward to a day in recovery and healing.
I look forward to doing things that will help provide safety for Becky.
Today is a new day.
Nate, thanks for that post. I can feel your pain. I can also see that you need to let go of the shame and not judge your recovery on Becky’s needs. Without letting go of your pain you can not be there for her. You must practice honest empathy towards her. I believe that means you most forget yourself. “God relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do that I will”. Seek only to know and do God’s Will. It appears to me that you’re imposing your will and your desire not to go over it again. Even though you say you’re willing to do it you still have some resentment and pain concerning it which makes you reluctant to do it. Becky can sense this. Use empathy and compassion. Your friend and fellow in recovery. Peter.
Thank you so much for the comment Peter. It’s so interesting – right before I read your comment, Becky came into my office to talk about our talk last night. She mentioned that she could sense my “un-surety” of meeting with Adam and she recognized that it was going to be really painful and hard.
She also mentioned that, after sharing some vulnerable things with me, that she didn’t feel any empathy or love.
To be honest, I felt frozen during our talk last night. I wasn’t sure what to do, say, or feel. I felt deflated and alone.
This morning, I woke up early with this on my mind and just started writing and this is what came out. I’m glad I had you to surrender the feelings to and to get feedback.
I want to be empathetic.
I want to surrender my will and forget myself.
I will go over whatever needs to be gone over for full recovery and healing to take place.
I do have resentment, resentment to the “carnal Nate” in me that went down those paths thoughtlessly and selfishly. I do have pain. Pain today for the trauma I’ve caused, for all the choices I made growing up that led to this. I can clearly remember thinking, as a kid, “This isn’t that bad. I can repent of it before I go on my mission and it’s not really that big of a deal…”
Look where those thoughts led me.
I will be praying today for empathy and compassion.
Thanks again for your comments and insight.