There are a few questions on my mind right now and I don’t have much time to write, but I want to make sure I make time for study and connection before working on my presentation for today.
Last night Beck and I read Alma 24. This is the chapter where the Anti-Nephi-Lehi’s bury their weapons of war. The talk by Elder Scott, Personal Strength through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, came to mind right away. That talk, to me, is all about addiction and surrender. And this chapter is the core of it.
It’s interesting: the chapter starts off talking about the opposite of recovery and surrender:
…stirred up by the Amalekites and by the Amulonites to anger against their brethren.
Why were they angry? Because their brethren had been converted to the truth. The wicked take the truth to be hard:
1 Nephi 16:2: And it came to pass that I said unto them that I knew that I had spoken ahard things against the wicked, according to the truth; and the righteous have I justified, and testified that they should be lifted up at the last day; wherefore, the bguilty taketh the ctruth to be hard, for it dcutteth them to the very center.
What does this mean?
6 Now there was not one soul among all the people who had been converted unto the Lord that would take up arms against their brethren;
To me, it means they’d lost the disposition to do evil, but to do good continually. They had no desire to sin, they were connected to the Lord and wanted to do His will. But wouldn’t the will of the Lord be to defend their family, their religion and their freedom?
The king tells his people how grateful he is for recovery and for healing:
10 And I also thank my God, yea, my great God, that he hath granted unto us that we might repent of these things, and also that he hath aforgiven us of those our many sins and murders which we have committed, and taken away the bguilt from our hearts, through the merits of his Son.
He talks about how hard recovery has been:
11 And now behold, my brethren, since it has been all that we could do (as we were the most lost of all mankind) to repent of all our sins and the many murders which we have committed, and to get God to atake them away from our hearts, for it was all we could do to repent sufficiently before God that he would take away our stain—
This is one of the scriptures that really hits home in regard to recovery and healing and gaining back the trust of God (and others):
15 Oh, how merciful is our God! And now behold, since it has been as much as we could do to get our stains taken away from us, and our swords are made bright, let us ahide them away that they may be kept bright, as a testimony to our God at the last day, or at the day that we shall be brought to stand before him to be judged, that we have not stained our swords in the blood of our brethren since he imparted his word unto us and has made us bclean thereby.
I need to get to my preparation for my presentation, but I wanted to ask myself this question before I start: What is my motivation for the discussion forum?
Is it to be seen of men?
Is it to numb feelings?
Is it to distract myself from other responsibilities?
Is it to boost my pride in where I am?
Is it to become “popular?”
Or is it because I’m really trying to practice Step 12?
Or is it because I want to share what I’m learning and create a community?
I don’t know right now, but I know that last night and much of yesterday it has seemed to bother Becky. I noticed the bothering initially when she seemed concerned that any person could see what I’m writing. This hasn’t bothered me at all frankly because I want to be open and honest and don’t share things that are too personal in nature, at least I don’t think I do.
It also bothered her that I seem to be really caught up in the discussion topic and really, as she put it, distracted – she compared it to the past when I was always involved in social media, connecting with random people as a distraction from the real.
To me, it seems like their could be fear on her part that I’m connecting with others, people in group, more than I’m connecting with her. My priority in recovery and healing should be God, my wife, my family, and then others in recovery. It is possible, as I write and think about this, that my priorities have gotten more like this: other people in recovery, my wife and family, God…
I don’t want that to be the case.
I want to focus on my relationship with God and my relationship with my wife and family. Yes, the other relationships are important too, but they can’t take priority over the most important relationships.
I do think I can have someone else write a discussion topic moving forward. I think I’ll reach out to others and have them suggest a topic, write about it, and then I’ll post it for the group to talk about.
I’m grateful for recovery. I’m grateful for the desire to want to make sure I’m right with God. I’m grateful for what Becky shared with me, although it was a bit difficult to hear.
I look forward to a day in recovery.
I look forward to surrendering my will to God, just as the Anti-Nephi-Lehies did.