This discussion topic about right attitudes or right actions is from one of our friends in recovery, Sean. Thanks to Sean for contributing to the group discussion and for the time he put into collecting his thoughts about recovery. If you’re interested in sharing a discussion topic, please reach out to me here.
A couple weeks ago, when I woke up in the morning, I could feel the negativity already full to the brim. It caught me somewhat off guard at the time. As has often been the case in my past, I tried to wait this one out. I wasn’t really sure what I was feeling or why and just told myself it would pass. I was just waking up and needed a couple minutes to get the blood flowing.
I realized fairly quickly that this wasn’t the case. Something was bothering me. And the fact that I was bothered, bothered me. And so it went.
At that point I didn’t want to sit down and write it out.
I didn’t want to talk to my wife.
I didn’t want to call my sponsor.
I just wanted to be left alone.
I snapped at my kids as they were trying to get ready for school. I ignored my wife.
I was in full addict mode. And I knew it.
And that just added more fuel to the fire because I began to be so disappointed in myself for not working recovery. And for NOT WANTING to work recovery. Not living up to my own expectations is a huge trigger for me. I’d been in recovery for 9 months for crying out loud! Why was I having such a hard time reaching out!? Why was I failing!?
This bugged me for a while. And it took me a while to snap out of it and finally reach out.
When I did, peace followed, and I wondered why I hadn’t done it sooner. It was around this same time that I read the following on page 146 in the White Book –
“We took the actions we knew we should be taking toward others because we did not feel like it… We stop sexting, lusting, and resenting before we feel we can. And we start taking the right actions towards others before we feel like doing them naturally.”
Later on page 147 it continues,
“When I distrust my own feelings and just go ahead and do what’s right, the miracle happens and I’m out of my dark hole.”
This was the answer for me.
Things were still unnatural.
I think maybe for the first few months of my recovery I was so excited about all the breakthroughs I felt I was making that I was running on adrenaline. Finally getting a sponsor, attending SA-L meetings, meeting new friends and making connections. But eventually the adrenaline faded and I was left with whatever I was actually doing to work my recovery.
A couple more quotes from the White Book.
“We are filled in the giving.” pg. 148
“Program people taught me that right thinking never produced right actions, but if I took the right actions, the right thinking and feelings followed.” pg. 164
On this particular day I referred to earlier, I remember becoming so disappointed in myself that I was still trying so hard to work recovery.
Why didn’t I want it more?
Why was I still forcing myself to do these things?
I wanted it, but why didn’t I feel like doing it!?
What I have come to understand is that the right attitudes will be a result of my right actions. Working the steps leads to wanting to work the steps.
I remember my first 12-Step meeting back in 2007. I didn’t want to go. I had successfully avoided dozens of meetings before I ended up at that first one. I was sure it wasn’t for me. But during that first meeting I remember feeling so awesome! That was the place for me! I loved it! I had acted and then the feeling followed. By the next week, that feeling had already faded and I found an excuse to do something else. And so it goes.
Continuing to learn that my right attitudes will follow my right actions is a tough thing for me at times. I tend to start to question,
“Will this ever become easier? Will this ever become second nature to me? Does it get easier to want to do these things right off the bat? Should it get easier? Or does recovery require this much effort in order to actually qualify as recovery? Will recovery always be so unnatural?”
I don’t know if those are good questions or not. And I don’t know the answers either. All I know is that it’s one day at a time.
Curious to hear the thoughts of others.
Great topic Sean: it really caused me to think about how I do things, why I do them, and which comes first – my attitude or my actions.
One question that came up was the topic of “going through the motions.”
I know as an addict not in recovery, I would, at times, do the right things (read scriptures, pray-ish, go to Church, do hometeaching, help around the house, read good material, and even possibly
feel the Spirit– FALSE – I don’t think I truly felt the Spirit EVER as I was acting out in my addiction…). But this didn’t help my recovery at all and even had the tendency to help me justify or minimize what I was doing.I don’t know what the answer is though.
I think, if I’m trying to be 100% honest, my going through the motions was an outward action that was more about being seen as a “good person.” If I did any of those things at all, I wanted to make sure others saw what I was doing.
Today, I feel it’s different.
Today, I want to do things like that and I don’t care who sees me (at least that’s my hope). Today I will write and reflect on what I’m reading, where before I just read to check it off my list – then I’d head to Facebook or Youtube to numb out.
Today, I am willing to reach out to others in the moment.
Today (and this could be the answer I’m discovering as I write this) I’m AWARE of how I FEEL! In the past, either I didn’t know, or didn’t want to know, how I felt and I definitely didn’t ever try to recognize what I was feeling. I went through the motions in practically everything without much feeling at all – or the feelings were anger, resentment, bitterness, entitlement, justification, rage, blaming, etc.
So, I think the answer to my own question is this:
The first action I need to take in order to help my attitude change is to ask myself what I’m feeling and try to surrender those feelings to God, to others, and to myself.
If I do that (which is surrender), then other actions will do just what your post said – they will help me change my attitudes about everything else.
I’m excited to get others’ insights as well. Thanks Sean!
Yeah I think you’re totally right. We have to be sincere in our desire to want to recover. Our motivation needs to be in the right place for those feelings to follow our actions.
Nate, may I comment on your comment:
“I know as an addict not in recovery, I would, at times, do the right things (read scriptures, pray-ish, go to Church, do hometeaching, help around the house, read good material, and…”
I believe that for a lot of people, those are the right things. However, as we’re recognizing, those aren’t the RIGHT things for an ADDICT. Or, at least, they’re not the whole answer. We must ACT in a way that encourages and enables recovery. I spent a lot of time reading scriptures, memorizing hymns and scriptures to recite in a moment of temptation, going to church meetings, etc. I also was advised by multiple bishops that these were the RIGHT things to do and that relief would follow. It never did, though.
It takes additional work on top of those Sunday school answers for the addict. And NO addict is exempt from this principle. Things like going to 12-step meetings, meeting with counselors (not enough of the general population does this, anyway), working the steps each and every day, writing our feelings, surrendering to God and another person our negative feelings.
As for this topic specifically, I firmly believe that the RIGHT actions precede the right attitudes. As it states in the White Book, page 89:
We came
We came to
We came to believe.
First, we have to show up. Then belief and hope can follow. Thanks.
Thanks Jeff. I read an article from Andrew at RowboatandMables that I believe shares the same insights we all feel. Here’s a portion of that article:
“…the bishop and I crossed paths in the church corridor and he stopped to tell me about a program he’d heard about that the Church was starting up to help guys with my problem. It was called the Pornography Addiction Support Group, or PASG for short. Today, I admire that bishop for following up with me about my problem. He didn’t just tell me to pray and read my scriptures. He was trying to help me.
“The lie, however, occurred right after this when I looked him in the eye and said, “Thanks but I don’t think I need that program. I’ve been reading my scriptures and praying and recently implemented some good old-fashioned self-discipline. The porn isn’t a problem anymore. I’ve put it behind me.”
“The actual truth was that porn was still a problem. I hadn’t put it behind me. And now I had just lied to my bishop by telling him that prayer and scripture study had cured me.
“Fast forward to 2016. I now know that I wasn’t alone in telling this lie. In the past five or six years, I’ve talked to a lot of other LDS men and women who said the exact same thing to their bishops at some point. They lied to their bishops. Then, like me, at a later time, they finally came to accept that they were addicts and starting attending Sexaholics Anonymous, or Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. They got sober, they got honest with their spouses and their bishops and they became happy for the first time in their adult lives. They started making amends.
“I have now come to understand that that lie I told the bishop wasn’t just a benign, unimportant prevarication with no repercussions. I was complicit in a huge conspiracy of Mormon men and women who were seeking to hide their sins and fix their problems on their own, in secrecy and isolation.
“Consider this: I lied to my bishop about the prayer and scripture study cure. What if, over the course of the six years during which he served as bishop, nineteen other guys in my ward lied to that same bishop about the prayer and scripture study cure? Twenty of us falsely testifying to our bishop that God had fixed us because of our faith. No recovery meetings necessary for spiritual giants like us!
“Now what if twenty other guys in each of the neighboring wards also lied to their bishops about the prayer and scripture study cure? What if men and women throughout the Church have been lying to their bishops about the prayer and scripture study cure? What if these bishops, after hearing one Mormon after another testify (falsely) to the power of the prayer and scripture study cure, were left with no other option but to believe that prayer and scripture study alone (with emphasis on the word alone) could cure addiction?
“What if these bishops unknowingly perpetuated the mythology of the prayer and scripture study cure by suggesting it to many of the other Mormons in their congregations who came in seeking counsel about overcoming their “little porn problem.” It seems reasonable that the bishops would be anxious to share the (false) good news that so many others had overcome their compulsive sexual behavior by praying a lot and reading scriptures a lot and exercising a whole dump truck load of self-discipline. After all, hadn’t so many spiritual giants (such as myself) born solemn (but false) testimony to the efficacy of the Cure?
“What if these bishops then became stake presidents and General Authorities and shared the joyous news of the (actually non-existent) Cure as they traveled around the stakes of Zion? And finally, what if Mormons have been lying to their bishops about the Cure for the last fifty or so years?
“What if all of this happened? Then we would find ourselves living in 2016 within a religious culture that continues to preach the overcoming of addiction by “exercising” a whole ton of faith and demonstrating to God and everyone else how great that faith is by, of course, praying a lot and reading scriptures a lot.
“I have amends to make to my bishop, my family and friends and to the Church as a whole. I am sorry. I’m sorry I lied to my bishop about the Cure. I’m sorry that my lies added to the countless other lies of men and women in my situation and helped to the create the current weirdness in the way Mormons try to tackle the “little porn problem.”
“I won’t be a party to lies about the Cure anymore. I dishonestly promoted the efficacy of dishonest prayer and dishonest scripture study for my own dishonest ends. I told other people that prayer and scripture study cured addiction so they’d leave me alone–and think that I was a spiritual giant, having overcome adversity through my (fabricated) massive faith.
“I’m sorry.
“I now understand and preach that addiction is a disease of secrecy and isolation; it cannot be overcome through more secrecy and isolation. The addict brain is wired to deny and then minimize addiction. It will grab onto anything that will allow it to perpetuate the secrecy and isolation, and prayer and scripture study are about as beautiful a ruse as an addict can find to convince himself and others that he’s found the Cure.
“I also understand that meetings, meetings, meetings are vital to staying in recovery. I understand that having a sponsor and being a sponsor are parts of the recovery equation.
“I also acknowledge that Mormons are behind the curve when it comes to dealing with addiction. We really are. It’s weird. It’s not supposed to be this way, but it is. I need to do more to rectify that problem.
“Again, I’m sorry for my part in the mess. Like the sons of Alma, I’m hoping to spend the rest of my life making amends for my wrongs by helping others find recovery from addiction. And I’ve stopped lying to my bishop.”
I feel this article hit the nail on the head for me (and probably most of us who have “confessed to the Bishop” and told him things were now all better).
I’m grateful, today, to be part of a fellowship that is trying to get the word out about what real recovery looks like.
Do I have it all figured out? Nope! But today I’m trying to surrender my desires and feelings to God and to be aware of what I’m feeling. Today I’m willing to reach out to others and surrender my feelings and fears.
Thanks for your insight and honesty Jeff. I really appreciate your perspective.
This reply resonates with me. Different bishops have different levels of knowledge and understanding of the problem. I went to mine a few months ago when I relapsed. He seemed a little disinterested, a little disbelieving of what I was telling him about my root emotions being the driving force of addiction. He admonished me to read the Book of Mormon daily, stating there is a spiritual power that can be derived from that book that is in no other. I was a little put off by his attitude towards me and his instructions, as it seemed to me that he was a little put off at my second reported relapse to him. I was a little sad that he didn’t seem to want to understand more. My previous bishop was educating himself as much as he could. He had a personal interest in a family member. Still, I know my bishop does care, and I know that what he says is true. There IS power is consistently doing the things we know we should do. Instead of resenting my bishop, I strive to follow his advice. It’s my humility and willingness to submit to the will of my higher power, which is Christ, that makes the difference in how I respond to, shall I say, ‘generic’ advice offered in the spirit of trying to help. Some how.
I must remember that it may not please the bishop that I return to confess the same sin over again, until I come to that perfect day. But it does please the Lord that I return to confess to His servant.
I’m new to recovery so I can’t speak from experience here, but I know that what Sean is saying is true of spiritual things. I don’t want to do them, yet I do them anyway, THEN the good feelings and desire to do more of them comes.
Thanks for sharing everyone!
Welcome Nick! Glad to have you. Thanks for the comment.
At first my thoughts were, of course my attitude defines my actions, but the more I thought about it, I realized that if that were the case really wouldn’t do much of anything. When I think about helping a neighbor, reaching out, doing my step work or anything else I realized that I really don’t want to do those things, but if I just sort of “jump in” that’s when my attitude starts to change. I’m really grateful for everyone’s input every week, it really helps me learn how to do this thing called recovery.
Thanks Devin. It’s the chicken or the egg idea: sometimes I feel like my attitude is there in the right place and it causes me to want to do the right things. But other times I have to start the process before my attitude catches up. And it’s not just in recovery things either: work, parenting, church stuff – all require action sometimes before my attitude changes and I feel the way I really want to feel.
Thanks for the comment!
This is a great topic. To tie in last week’s discussion, I think it takes some form of surrender to change our actions. As we begin to take action and do things differently, and if are humble in the process we begin to change. I have no idea how long it takes to change, but for now, I am taking action and I feel a change happening. What was once a losing battle, is no no longer a battle. As I put forth the effort to change my actions and thoughts and surrender my way of doing things I am able to surrender the old me (and with it the old battle), and find peace in accepting that I need God and Jesus Christ, (and I have to be WAY more humble) and I can find peace and accept a new way of life. It’s not an easy change by any means. Honestly the last year and a half of my life has been the most challenging time I have ever faced, but I am no longer alone! I can truly lean on my Savior and reach out to new friends and I am beginning to find more peace and joy through a new way of doing things.
Yeah it’s interesting that I constantly need to convince myself that positive change follows positive action. In my addiction, I had trained myself to constantly try over and over to find positive relief from negative actions. That always failed. And yet I kept going back to that well. Now I experience positive change from positive actions, and yet it’s still not always the natural reaction for me. You’d think it would be pretty obvious. You’re right though Levi, with companionship and connections we make through the fellowship of the program, this battle does become less of a battle, and more a part of our new normal. Thanks for the comment.
I’m grateful for the connections I’ve made and make via recovery as well. Change can be a scary thing. But, in this case, change has saved my marriage and my life. Without change, I don’t know where I’d be.
Actually, one of the therapists I’ve worked with helped me write a rocking chair letter that helped me see a better picture of where I’d be in the future if I continued to do what I had been doing. It’s scary to read today.
Thanks for the discussion Sean and Levi!
Wow, the rocking chair letter is a great idea but seems terrifying. Thank you for sharing it.
I just re-read it for the first time in a while. It is scary but is a great reminder of where I’ve been and where I would continue to go if I don’t live a “new normal.” Ultimately, my addictive behaviors and actions would take away everything that’s important to me – that’s the definition of HELL to me.
I 100% agree!