This discussion topic about serenity is from one of our friends in recovery, JR. Thanks to JR for contributing to the group discussion and for the time he put into collecting his thoughts about recovery. If you’re interested in sharing a discussion topic, please reach out to me here.
Have you ever asked yourself, “So, what ARE the things I can/cannot change, and how DO I know the difference?” I know I have. A lot.
Of the many sayings Einstein is famous for, one quote that applies most often to my day job is this:
“Given one hour to save the world, I would spend 55 minutes defining the problem and 5 minutes finding the solution.”
I’m definitely not saving the world at my day job, but this formula has reminded me over and again that jumping into solving a problem at the first sliver of insight is basically guaranteed to result in failure – not only to solve the problem, but to even identify the right problem to solve.
This is so true for me in my sketchy history of attempted recovery and relapse. I can’t recall even a fraction of the “insights” I gained about what I’d been doing wrong in my recovery attempts, believing that now I’d found the missing ingredient that would ensure success, only to fail miserably hours, days, weeks, or months later. These insights weren’t necessarily wrong or misguided, but they were miserably incomplete and untethered to a commitment to recovery-focused living. I was jumping into recovery attempts without first having identified and accepted the real problem … me.
But even when I started to accept that I was the problem—not other people, not porn, masturbation, lust, resentment, etc.—I had no concept of what it would really take to fix me, or if that was even possible.
Working the 12 Steps with my SA Lifeline brothers has been the key to unlocking the principles and behaviors required for recovery. Applying those principles is where I stumble and fall constantly, and I have often felt defeated and depressed by my snail’s pace in recovery behaviors. “Serenity now!”
What does serenity look like for me?
I’m still figuring that out, but it definitely starts with what Einstein said about solving problems. If I am the problem, then I need to know a whole lot more about me—the REAL me—before I can effectively solve for the problem of me. This doesn’t mean that I sit idly by waiting for this knowledge to distill before I work recovery. I work the steps every day. I do what I know is already within my ability to do, no matter how poor my performance is at times.
Part of what that has looked like recently is studying more about the mind-body connection in addiction, trauma, and different personality disorders. I’m learning about how the brain works both for and against my recovery efforts; how trauma and addiction are stored in the body and not just the brain; how practices like meditation, yoga, and martial arts help to rewire the brain; how treatments like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy is more effective than traditional talk therapy and medication combined; and how I can affect change on the autonomic body systems and processes that keep me unintentionally stuck in addiction.
Said another way, I’m trying to slow down and take the time I need to learn about the things I can change, which in turn helps me know more about what I can’t change and accept them.
Not sure if it’s kosher to be the first comment on my own post, but I just wanted to say thanks to Nate and the others who have made this forum a reality for all of us. This discussion about the breadth and depth of recovery topics is helpful and grounding to my own recovery in big ways.
This is very well put JR. I think I share a lot of the same sentiments. The Serenity Prayer was one of the first things that I remember really grasping onto. This was before I was even in recovery. At first glance it was something that simply reminded me that I was not in control, and that’s okay. In fact, it’s better that way. I think this prayer has taken a while to develop into more than that for me, and I’m still very much in the process of learning from it. I agree that learning about myself has really become the focus of recovery for me. You start to look at life through a different lens. The past seems to make more sense all the time, and I can better see my present. For me this has been accomplished by working the steps, and connecting with my brothers in recovery. Staying active in this community doesn’t always come natural for me, but what I get from it is peace and a progressively clearer understanding of where I want to go.
Thanks Sean. I definitely resonate with your statement of involvement in this community not coming naturally. But that is changing, too, with time. I’m also learning that hindsight isn’t quite 20/20 for me—more like 20/2000—and that the past only becomes as clear as my ability to live in the present. It’s definitely along the lines of the old adage, “The more I know, the less I know.” And that’s OK.
Cheers!
Thanks for sharing your insights, JR! The Serenity Prayer is something I often say but isn’t something that I think about a lot in theory. Now that you have drawn my attention to it I realize that I need to use this important tool more in my life! I’m pretty good about trying to change things in my life but not so good in determining what I “can or can’t” change. In other words, I probably spin my wheels a lot trying to change things that I can’t change on my own–as I write this that thought is really resonating with me. I need to spend time seeking the “wisdom to know the difference.” Thanks so much for helping me realize this important insight!
I’m definitely in that same boat, Nick. Just because I’m posting about it doesn’t mean I’m any better at it. 🙂
Thanks for the comment!
I have only recently realized how much trauma I have caused myself because of my addiction. A lot of the trauma that I’ve caused is from me trying to change the things that I shouldn’t try to chang and running away from the things that I know I can’t change, like a lot of my youth. I’ve spent years maybe even decades running from my past instead of accepting the fact that I can’t change it. Moving on has been a very difficult thing for me to do. I am very grateful for the sobriety that I have and I just need to remember to take things slow and think things through.
So true, Devin. Self-harm and trauma are part of the altered realities we create throughout the progression of addiction, and they have to be healed as part of the overall process of recovery. For some, working the 12 Steps is sufficient. For others, the depth of self-inflicted trauma, usually piled on top of the trauma’s so many of us experience in childhood, has to be worked through with professional help (that’s my lot). That’s part of what inspired this post for me is the progress I’m making in my therapy sessions. Doors of understanding are opening, and I’m learning more and more about how my brain and body have stored the damage of the past in ways that can only be undone by specific methods of therapy under professional guidance. This has helped me to accept things I can’t change, like the past, through ongoing interaction with the present incarnation of my experiences.
Thanks for the great stuff J.R. I’ve thought about this quite a bit too and have come to a few conclusions:
1. I CAN’T control my feelings or emotions, only what I DO with those feelings and emotions.
2. I CAN control the situations I put myself in and what I feed my mind/heart/soul.
One thing that’s helped me with #1 is to write, write, write. When I don’t know what I’m feeling or maybe I have an idea of what I’m feeling, I’ll start writing answers to the question: What am I feeling right now, in this moment?
Then I’ll just make a list: pissed off, angry, frustrated, happy (yes, I can feel these things sometimes simultaneously it seems), etc.
After making the list, I’ll go back and ask: Why do I feel this way?
Pissed off: The client I’m working with is being a pain in the A%@ and I’m not sure how to handle it.
Angry: I feel like it’s a matter of he said/she said.
Frustrated: The kids aren’t making things easier as they yell at each other and whine about seemingly everything.
Happy: I’m grateful my wife is here to help and understands how I’m feeling. I’m grateful I can talk to her about what I am feeling.
Finally, I’ll write out this: What can I do next to help the situation?
Pissed off: The client I’m working with is being a pain in the A%@ and I’m not sure how to handle it.
– I can breathe, think about potential solutions, put myself in their shoes, empathize, and send them an email that’s well thought out, non-judgmental, and that asks questions to better understand how I can best help. I can also have my wife review it to make sure it doesn’t have a tone.
Angry: I feel like it’s a matter of he said/she said.
– I can surrender this feeling to God and my sponsor and my wife. I can let this go and move forward the best I can.
Frustrated: The kids aren’t making things easier as they yell at each other and whine about seemingly everything.
– I can also surrender this. Maybe take a walk around the block or a quick power nap might help. Maybe duct-tape could be a solution as well 🙂
Happy: I’m grateful my wife is here to help and understands how I’m feeling. I’m grateful I can talk to her about what I am feeling.
– I can let her know how grateful I am for her help and support. I can recognize that she is a blessing in my life and thank my higher power for the multiple extra chances He’s given me to make amends for all the crap I’ve put her through.
For me, this is a PRACTICE, not a checklist item. Sometimes it’s gone really quick, other times I’ve had to stop, think, reflect, and dig deeper. But every time I’ve done this (and the stuff I’ve just written is real feelings today), it’s helped me return to my center and feel safe.
For #2, I have to create bottom lines/boundaries/weapons of war and hold myself to those. I have to be willing to give up things that, in the past, I thought were fine or “normal.” If I feel myself crossing any of these bottom lines, I have to be aware, surrender the action to my wife, sponsor, and God, and turn the other way as quickly as I know how.
For me, the weapons of war I choose to bury aren’t porn, masturbation, or even lust – they are the choices I make BEFORE those things happen that lead me down the path to act out. Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, Instagram, browsing the internet, checking people out below the chin, staying up later than my wife, not eating well, procrastinating things that are hard – THESE are the weapons I have to bury.
Yeah, this was a long comment, but I loved the topic and it caused me to think a lot. Thanks J.R.
You’re welcome, Nate. There’s so much about your comment that resonates with me, particularly how the practice of these behaviors is what makes the difference. These things don’t come naturally—not just for addicts, but for most everyone—and take time, especially when the way our brains have become wired through external and internal forces runs counterproductive to our efforts.
This reminds me of what my therapist has taught me about the process of feeling and working through hard things. She calls it the P.O.E.T. process. Here’s what it stands for:
– Get PRESENT with your feelings and experience by acknowledging them as they are without judgment or agenda (mindfulness)
– Be OPEN to whatever your feelings and experiences lead you to feel next, acknowledging the bodily sensations that arise with every aspect of your experience (also known as leaning into the discomfort)
– When ready and sufficiently confident in the discomfort, EXPLORE ideas and ways to reshape your experience into what you want most, relying on your values and character goals as the foundational elements
– TRY out your ideas and begin building a positive recovery
This process has really helped me practice self-compassion, mindfulness, and surrender. I hope it helps someone else in their journey too.
I recently heard the serenity prayer stated to this effect: God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, Courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me!
For me the Wisdom is in the change and I can only change me. To truly change I have to change everything, my mind, my heart, my thoughts, my actions, my patterns, my habits, and then if I’m lucky some of those changes might stick.
The Serenity prayer truly embodies all the wisdom of the twelve step group in a simple statement.
First I have to reach out to God , and seek the peace he provides. it is in surrender that I can find peace and serenity by giving up my will and accepting God’s way rather than mine. I have to accept who I really am, not just on the surface but really deep down, and that I cannot change alone. I have to accept that I need to reach out to a higher power for true change. Then it takes courage to begin to change.I love Brene Brown’s definition of Courage. If you haven’t heard it Google it right now! And if you haven’t read Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection, then go to Amazon now and buy it! Seriously, you are on a computer right now, buy the book and read it, or listen to it on audible. It has taken a lot of courage and truth to begin to change. And then wisdom to build a lasting change. I have to begin to be mindful. I have to look at myself more critically and at others less critically. I have to be thoughtful and calculating in what I’m doing and how I’m acting. I need to really examine myself more carefully than ever before and learn from my own elusive feelings and emotions and begin to understand who I am and why I did what I do, and I have to give that to God and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit and accept that I need help and wisdom to begin to change.
I have had to stop thinking about myself and begin to look at myself and accept who I really am and then ask God to change me.
Another way I like to think of the serenity prayer is like this…
God
Serenity
Accept
Change
Courage
Change
Wisdom
I am still brand new to the recovery process so correct me if anything I have said is wrong, but for me the change from sobriety to recovery has begun by surrendering my will to God and accepting his way, because I could not change alone. I tried over and over to change on my own and never could, but when I finally reached out to God and allowed him to help me change, I was led to the fellowship or recovery and found the guidance and recourse necessary to stop fighting a battle I kept losing and to begin to treat the conditions that set me up to fight a losing battle. I’ve learned that I can’t win that battle but if I’m careful I can avoid it as much as possible. And sometimes when the battle comes to me, I’ve found that I can reach out to God or a friend who has more wisdom and they can help help me to disengage from a battle I would ultimately lose. I’ve realized I can’t fight this on my own but I can change the field enough to prevent the battle from starting in most cases. That change has been a miracle in my life and I am so grateful for the brotherhood I have found in recovery.
Brene Brown is my hero! I’ve read both Daring Greatly and Rising Strong multiple times, and I have benefitted greatly from them. Her perspective and writing candor are so impressive and helpful that I’ve even contemplated having my first bout of hero worship, but I can’t go that far. 😉
Thanks for your comment, Levi!
Without putting into the context of the Serenity Prayer, this is something that I have been thinking about, and struggling with -Courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference, and I think I finally just had something click for me as I was reading the book, “Sitting in a Rowboat…” For a long while I was struggling with the feeling that everything I am doing- I am doing it, as it’s me doing the 12 steps, my inventory, my amends, or just my program of recovery. I guess I’m saying I didn’t want to be doing all this work to find out I was leaving God out of the picture and still doing it on my own. I had an epiphany tonight (probably not dramatic for most, but I’m a slow learner) however, when the author of the previously mentioned book used Moses and the Red Sea as a metaphor for recovery. He simply stated how Yes, God parted the Red Sea, but the children of Israel still had to walk across on the dry ground, and they couldn’t stroll further down the coast line to find a place they thought looked like a better spot to cross, nor I suppose could they get cold feet and go back. This has helped me to realize that all these things I’m doing, 12 steps, Therapy, Yoga (I’m working on that one J.R.) these are the steps on the dry ground he is providing the way for me to take, and doing things on my own is aligning my will his, not putting my faith in myself. Hope that this makes sense..
As a side note, isn’t it great that we are in a time where although our society is hyper-sexual, the availability of tools like J.R. mentioned to fight and recover is ever growing. To me this bears witness of a merciful God.
Great insights, Cameron. I also agree that there is a much greater, more open acceptance of sexuality, including the hyper-sexualized and exploited aspects of sexuality.
Not looking to start something here, but based on my study—both formal and informal—of the history of sex abuse and the sexualization of society over the span of recorded history, it is difficult to accurately show that our current state of affairs is substantively worse than centuries past. This isn’t to say that things are just fine or acceptable in any way now, nor that they were better or worse in ages past, but that we simply have a lot more understanding of what has been going on in families and societies for thousands of years, and that how it all plays out today is inseparable from our cultural shift towards equality and awareness.
We definitely have almost unfathomable access to sexualized anything through the internet, and the acceptance of such promiscuity, voyeurism, and exhibitionism is deeply troubling (of which we’re all examples), and it’s shifting the way society views sexuality generally. That is unacceptable, and we need to do everything we can to be the tides of change.
However, I believe that we are seeing millennia of sexual misconduct play out on a world stage because we now have the communication vehicles and ability to see it for what it is. Fathers have been abusing daughters, trusted family members have been victimizing unsuspecting kin, and “normal” people of all races and colors have been subjugating women and children to the whims of their sexual fantasy and dysfunction for as long as time has existed. The stories of their prevalence have played out in journals and exposes by the tens-of-thousands in recent history, and their marks can be seen on the behaviors modeled by individuals in every society – marks of trauma and abuse passed on from one generation to the next. Remember that subjugation of women in one way or another was legal and canonized by the laws of all recorded societies up until the past 100 years or so, including Mosaic Law. I believe that we are now reaping the winds of such mistreatment, but we are also beginning to do something about it. This gives me a lot of hope.
Good stuff guys. The serenity prayer is most relevant to me because I live in regret about the past and fear about the future. Both are things I cannot change. I can only change the present. Nuff said.
Well said, Sam. Fear and shame can be such overpowering emotions. Living in the present is the only way to stay present, which is a gift to all in your life.
All very good comments. I have been struggling with this very concept. I’ve heard the serenity prayer so many times since I started recovery, but practicing it is much harder. It’s been difficult for me to let go of things that I cannot control, such as I wish my parents and brothers would all seek recovery. I wish my in laws would as well, as my father in law is an alcoholic. I wish my wife was healthy, and didn’t have all the health problems she has that cause her pain. I wish I could change my past, and would have made better decisions in my life that wouldn’t have caused my wife and family so much pain and hurt. I wish I could control my future. But these are all out of my control, and I need to learn to accept that. I need to learn that what I can change is my self, my thoughts, my actions, and my behavior, with help. I tried for too long to recover on my own, but as I learn how to surrender, it has been bringing me peace. I cannot change my natural negative emotions, but I can change how I deal with them, and my research and experiences in recovery have taught me how to accomplish that, one day at a time. I am so thankful for all the tools that we have been given, and the people placed in my life to help me recover.
Thanks for the comment Doug. I agree – it’s tempting to want to go back and change things or re-do things of the past. But today I can’t do that. Today all I can do is focus on how I’m connecting with God, if I’m aware of my feelings (which I can’t control either) and what I choose to DO with those feelings (this I can control at least some).
I’m grateful to be reminded each day that I have to practice surrendering to God and others or I will fall right back into the rituals that have hurt me and others for so long.
I’m glad you’re realizing this too. It’s great to have friends who are all working on similar things. Have a great day today!
I’ve been working on Step 9, making restitution. I just read last night some material about it that had to do with the serenity prayer. In making amends, there are some things I cannot change. There are some cases where I cannot fully repair past damage. I cannot change the past. Further, in all cases I cannot change how people will respond to my attempts to make amends. What I can control is my efforts to overcome fear, and humbly and honesty seek to make amends to the fullest extent possible. In some cases that will involve direct amends, in other cases in may necessarily involve indirect amends.