I’m back!
It was a fun week at Timberline but I’m ready to be back in the swing of things.
Honestly, while I was there, I didn’t worry too much about work or getting things done related to work. But today I feel the stress and anxiety of getting caught up on all the stuff there is to do.
I just went through emails a bit and deleted stuff I didn’t need and left stuff open that I need to address.
While at Timberline, I read some from the book “The Crucible of Doubt.” There were quite a few quotes that stuck out to me, but here were a few I wanted to think about today:
“My grateful mental state lets in a different view of reality than is otherwise possible…and when I am this conscious of my life and the world as a gift, I am less preoccupied with self. My attention focuses elsewhere. I am more alert to other people’s needs and virtues. I find my wonder awakened by just about everything…in other words, when I am grateful, I tend toward a higher mental (and spiritual) state. I take things – people, order, air, roundness, everything – less for granted…To the extent that I become a habitually grateful person, I engage a different and richer reality than the “me” who is less grateful.”
Gratitude. Less preoccupied with self. More alert to other people’s needs and virtues.
I feel like these are attributes and qualities to focus on. I feel like I need to be more grateful for everything Becky and the kids do for me. I need to recognize God’s hand more in my life. I want to do these things.
Although the week was good at Timberline, I didn’t get to write much at all. I did write a letter to Caleb and did get to share my testimony and experience a couple times, but writing is part of recovery for me. It feels good to be back to writing.
I liked this quote from the White Book too:
“Only for those who want recovery is there any hope at all, and to such, we offer great hope: release from the power of addiction, loss of guilt and shame, power over wrong and freedom to do right, and the ability to live comfortably with ourselves, others, and God. This is precisely what the Fellowship of the Steps will do when we make it a way of life.”
I want recovery and healing. I feel I’m there. But I feel I need to get back to routines and rituals that will make me feel safe.
I feel I have expectations today for whatever reason. I don’t feel that close or connected to Becky. I’m not sure if I expected to be close to her last night or what, but it’s not a good feeling and I want to surrender it.
I also feel quite stressed about all the things I have to do today – especially the dropping off kids here and there this morning in conjunction with calls I have scheduled.
Last night I made a list in Wunderlist with all the things I have to do. Here it is – maybe writing it out again can help me organize it.
- Pray, read, write
- Follow up with Daniel about DEP
- Absolute updates
- Process payroll
- Follow up with A La Mode
- Call with Ashley H about app
- Review notes about app
- Follow up with South Rim
- Madi to dance at 9:00 a.m.
- Caleb to tennis at 10:00 a.m.
- Call with Alisha C at 8:45 a.m. (texted her and haven’t heard back yet)
- Get caught up on emails
- Local SEO for Wachter
- Local SEO for High Country
- Check in with Kagan about payment for Heart and Soul
- Follow up with DEP most recent lead
- Follow up with DEP for Fresno
- Follow up with DEP for BYU
- Update Med Spa card info
- Finalize Legend Col work
- Invoice Fifty based on Annika email
- Report for U
- Follow up with Above the City
- FS solution preso
- Follow up with Jordan P
- UDDSC issues
- Dean V issues
- Quilter issues
- Server check
- Sucuri check
- Follow up with Bright local
- Invoice Wachter for local SEO
- Classic Jack Solution preso
Quite a list.
I know I can’t do it all. I just have to take things a step at a time.
I did just get a text back from Alisha saying she can’t talk right now. That’s actually relieving. I’ll get Madi to dance and then come back and map out the day.
Back now. Got Madi to dance on time, got Tyson down for a nap, ate some breakfast, got the bike rack assembled, and now getting on calls.
I’m grateful for clarity today.
I look forward to a good day in recovery and connection with God.
Nate
Great post Nate, I felt like you were writing my autobiography! I appreciate your honesty and approach. I think I’m guilty of letting the wave of the day overwhelm and wash over me too much rather than continuously seeking God’s direction.
Thanks Joseph. It’s interesting you mentioned that because just yesterday I had a talk with a sponsee and we discussed how, when we let the day overwhelm us and don’t recognize our own emotions or feelings, it’s easy to look outwardly and recognize the problems of others.
I’ve been guilty of this many times: I’ll talk to my wife about the recovery of others and never mention anything about ME, how I’M feeling, what fears I’M dealing with, how I’M working recovery today.
Thankfully, my wife is also working her own recovery from the trauma I’ve caused and she’s able to recognize and feel when this happens. In our nightly checkins, she’s able to share her feelings about triggers. I’m grateful that, today at least, I’m able to listen and take in what she’s saying without getting defensive or irritated. It’s not always easy to hear what she shares, but I want to help her feel safe and sometimes, sharing hard things is all that needs to happen.
Thanks for the comment Joseph.