Effective Sponsorship and Self-Assessment

Although I didn’t get up as early as I wanted to today, I am up and have been reviewing comments and replying to sponsees about their check-ins.

To me, nightly check-in’s have to be a new normal and a lifetime event. If I want Becky to feel safe, if I want to be making progress in recovery, I have to be willing to share my thoughts, feelings and actions for the day, and I have to be willing to listen to Becky share her’s as well.

It’s not always easy to hear her thoughts and feelings: sometimes she shares things that I’m not prepared for, even things that sometimes I don’t agree with in the moment. But I’m grateful to be in a place where the defensiveness and anger don’t creep in and cause fires that will only kill our marriage. I’m grateful today that I’m able to listen and try to understand where she’s coming from. Her feelings are her feelings – I can’t argue with them. I’m grateful for that realization.

Here’s the list I was working on yesterday. I wanted to re-post it to evaluate what I have to do today:

• Pray, read, write (doing this again) DONE TODAY
• Follow up with Daniel about DEP
• Absolute updates
• Process payroll
• Follow up with A La Mode
• Call with Ashley H about app (rescheduled)
• Review notes about app
• Follow up with South Rim
• Madi to dance at 9:00 a.m.
• Caleb to tennis at 10:00 a.m.
• Call with Alisha C at 8:45 a.m. (texted her and haven’t heard back yet) (rescheduled)
• Get caught up on emails
• Local SEO for Wachter
• Local SEO for High Country
• Check in with Kagan about payment for Heart and Soul
• Follow up with DEP most recent lead
• Follow up with DEP for Fresno
• Follow up with DEP for BYU
• Update Med Spa card info
• Finalize Legend Col work
• Invoice Fifty based on Annika email
• Report for U
• Follow up with Above the City
• FS solution preso
• Follow up with Jordan P
• UDDSC issues (worked on these, need to finalize)
• Dean V issues (worked on these, need to finalize)
• Quilter issues (worked on these, need to finalize)
• Server check (worked on this, need to finalize)
• Sucuri check (worked on this, need to finalize)
• Follow up with Bright local
• Invoice Wachter for local SEO
• Classic Jack Solution preso

So, here’s my updated list for today:

• Pray, read, write (doing this again) – DONE
• FS solution preso
• Call with Ashley H about app (rescheduled)
• Review notes about app
• Call with Alisha C at 8:45 a.m. (texted her and haven’t heard back yet) (rescheduled)
• Local SEO for Wachter
• Local SEO for High Country
• Finalize Legend Col work
• Invoice Fifty based on Annika email
• Report for U
• Finalize Med Spa work
• UDDSC issues (worked on these, need to finalize)
• Dean V issues (worked on these, need to finalize)
• Quilter issues (worked on these, need to finalize)
• Server check (worked on this, need to finalize)
• Sucuri check (worked on this, need to finalize)
• Follow up with Bright local
• Classic Jack Solution preso
• Update income spreadsheet for May
• Update income spreadsheet for June

I’m now going to re-organize the list in order of priority:

• Pray, read, write (doing this again) – DONE
• FS solution preso
• Follow up with Bright local
• Local SEO for Wachter
• Local SEO for High Country
• Report for U
• Finalize Legend Col work
• Finalize Med Spa work
• Invoice Fifty based on Annika email
• UDDSC issues (worked on these, need to finalize)
• Dean V issues (worked on these, need to finalize)
• Quilter issues (worked on these, need to finalize)
• Server check (worked on this, need to finalize)
• Sucuri check (worked on this, need to finalize)
• Update income spreadsheet for May
• Update income spreadsheet for June
• Call with Ashley H about app (rescheduled)
• Review notes about app
• Call with Alisha C at 8:45 a.m. (texted her and haven’t heard back yet) (rescheduled)
• Classic Jack Solution preso

Finally, what do I want/need to study today?

I feel like the concept of sponsorship has been weighing heavily on my mind.

What does quality and effective sponsorship really look like?

From the Big Book of AA:

To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends-this is an experience you MUST not miss. (89)

From Step Into Action: One, Two, Three:

Getting a sponsor is humbling. Trusting the experience and insights of another sexaholic as we attend SA meetings and go through the Steps can require a big change in our “I can do it myself” attitude…

Doing without a sponsor is like piloting a ship without a rudder. The sailor is at the mercy of whatever current comes along.

Some reminders about what I feel sponsorship can look like:

• My job isn’t to fix the sponsee, my job is simply to share what’s working for me and invite them to do the same or do what is working for them as long as it is within the bounds set for recovery
• Having them call me holds them accountable
• If I have to call them or remind them to do their step work, we need to have a conversation about their level of commitment to recovery
• If they aren’t willing to keep the commitments they agreed to when starting the 90 day ARP program (or in starting the sponsorship relationship), it’s best for me to let them go until they are ready to truly commit: a common issue with addicts is that we think we can live by our own set of rules and still be ok with God – this isn’t the case and never will be
  • This is where I’m not sure. I do feel triggers and frustration when I have sponsees that are simply not doing anything we talked about in our first call. They either seem to be the “exception to the rule” or they just forget completely. For me, this causes anxiety and frustration – stuff I need to let go of.
• When I have questions, I can always ask others in recovery what their thoughts are – aka – Discussion
• I need to encourage sponsees to dig deep about their feelings and emotions. If they aren’t willing to dig deep, they may not be ready for recovery yet
• Answering sponsees via email, text or even calling is so helpful, both for the sponsees and for me to continue to live in recovery
• Sharing what I’m learning with my wife is always helpful, even though sometimes it’s not easy and reminds her of where I’ve been in the past
  • I do need to be careful here of not always focusing on what my sponsees are or aren’t doing. My own recovery has to be the priority if I want to actually help anyone else.
• The spouse of my sponsee needs to be involved in her own recovery and healing if the relationship is really going to heal – it will help her understand what the addiction is and what’s happening so she can recognize when and if he’s falling back into addictive behaviors
  • I feel the letter Becky wrote to one of my sponsees is going to play a part in this discovery.
• Writing is a great and essential way to heal and surrender – things can come to the surface that never were discovered without writing things out
• Practicing the Chin-Up Approach to looking at others, especially women
• Daily email check-in
• Daily working the steps via reading and writing about the step you’re working on
• Attending 12 Step meetings, preferably two meetings per week
• Daily, in the moment surrender from sponsee as he feels negative emotions or triggers (can start with text, then a call can happen if needed)

As I read back through some of the other research and writing I’d done about sponsorship, I found this answer as to WHY, in 90-day ARP, we drop sponsees:

When we see the relapse of sponsors become a rare thing, as it should be, THEN we will know we are finally getting it right!  Our first challenge now, is to see that each and every sponsor who works in ARPsupport is following the exact same format and structure…the format and structure that were meant to be implemented from the beginning, but in far too many cases, have not been, and we have seen relapse increase because of this. 

We must pray hard and do all we can do, if this is ever going to change.  I have faith that it will. 

If the sponsor is not in real recovery and hasn’t felt to sing the song of redeeming love, how can he help others? If the sponsor has taken short cuts or hasn’t fully dug up all his “muck fires,” how can he help others find and put out their’s?

Questions I Still Have About 90 Day ARP

• Should a sponsee have to “start the steps over” after a slip? I feel the answer here comes pretty quickly based on what Mark shared with me:

Abstinence is required to work the program.  There really should be NO slips, if someone is serious about recovery.  The 90 day program is not meant to do over and over again.  Something begins to be lost when that happens.  We hope that everyone who starts out has already hit their bottom and will be ready to abstain, work the program, and recover.

• Is the strict regmin of 12 steps in 90 days asking too much? I feel this answer comes pretty easily too – It shouldn’t be. Especially for those who have minimal recovery and are just getting started down the path of sobriety and recovery, working the steps every day, consistently, should be a desire they have to have if they want to break free from the chains of addiction. I do feel that, for someone that has more recovery, there may be better solutions long-term.
• What is a realistic expectation for working the steps AFTER the 90 day program? This one I don’t have an answer to yet. What I don’t want to happen is to slip back into a “checklist” mindset where I just go through the motions and don’t really feel anything. Maybe that’s not the way it is after 90 day with the spreadsheet, but it’s felt that way.

I’m not sure that any other questions come to mind right now.

I feel this has been a good study and reflexion of where I am today. I look forward to a day in recovery.

Nate