It happened again last night.
I could tell all day that B seemed to be having a hard day.
So last night we talked. She told me she just is seeing the same tendencies that I’ve always had of not being the type of protector she needs. She mentioned that when she got home from the counselor meeting and doctor’s appointment that she found me laying on the couch, the house was messy, the counters were dirty, the floor hadn’t been swept, and J was poopy for what seemed like a long time.
She feels I’m still thinking about me and not her or how I can help the family. She feels like I was waiting for praise or credit for the things I’d been doing that morning:
- Taking care of the kids
- Doing Webelos activity
- Setting up the flag ceremony with a neighbor
- Trying to work some
I listened and thought about what I was thinking and feeling. I felt sick then and I feel sick now.
She blamed me again for the new baby we’re expecting and made it seem to me like I’ve “punished” her with this pregnancy.
I feel…sick to my stomach.
I feel frustrated.
I feel like expectations are super high.
I feel scared that I can’t live up to the expectations.
I feel like I don’t always know what the expectations really are.
I feel like sometimes it becomes a comparison game of who did more than the other in her eyes.
I feel like she’s looking for the things I’m not doing instead of what I’m trying to do.
I feel nervous that I’m blaming her.
I feel unsure of what she wants to happen ultimately.
Yesterday I felt like I had a good day. I was trying to be helpful and aware of her needs. I don’t remember to be seeking praise or recognition – I had just had quite a busy morning and had sat down for a bit.
It’s so hard when she says things like “I’ll just need to be ready for whatever happens…” implying that “When you relapse or commit the same mistakes, I need to be prepared to do this all on my own.”
She talked to me about trust and how it’s going to be hard for her to ever trust me again.
I’m just sick to my stomach.
I don’t want to eat anything.
I don’t have a lot of ambition right now it seems.
I feel like my best friend is just waiting for me to fail.
I feel really alone.
What Can I Do Today?
I know this is a “one day at a time” process. I feel like writing things out is helpful. Here are other things I can do today to try to make things best:
- Work on a step in the program
- Set up a meeting with the counselor Scott
- Try to share with B how I’m feeling – although right now I feel pretty on edge with her
- Contact the facilitator about being a sponsor to me
- Read from the shame book
- Start reading the other book
- Work hard to hit financial goals
She told me last night that yesterday, the way I was acting, could have been an exact example of how I acted last year at this same time.
I don’t feel that way at all, but maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m not really changing that much. Maybe it’s just a matter of time.
I don’t feel that’s the case.
I feel like I’m honestly trying. But I feel like to her, it’s not enough.
3676 days ago
Here’s to hoping this day gets better.