Last night was a really rough night for sleep. I kept coughing and couldn’t get to sleep at all for a long time.
So I decided to read more in the Book of Mormon on my way to hitting my goal to have it finalized by September 1st.
Here are some of the notes I highlighted in my study:
nothing can save this people save it be repentance and faith on the Lord Jesus Christ, (Helaman 13:6)
I will take away my word from them, and I will withdraw my Spirit from them, and I will suffer them no longer, (Helaman 13:8)
But if ye will repent and return unto the Lord your God I will turn away mine anger, saith the Lord; (Helaman 13:11)
What does “hideth up their treasure” mean?
ye are cursed because of your riches, and also are your riches cursed because ye have set your hearts upon them, and have not hearkened unto the words of him who gave them unto you. (Helaman 13:21)
Ye do not remember the Lord your God in the things with which he hath blessed you,…they do swell with great pride, (Helaman 13:22)
Am I therefore become your enemy, because I tell you the truth ? (Galations 4:16)
he testifieth that your deeds are evil. (Helaman 13:26 – this reminds me of the stonewalling I gave to Beck as she “testified to me that my deeds were evil”.)
Walk after the pride of your own hearts; yea, walk after the pride of your eyes, and do whatsoever your heart desireth—and if a man shall come among you and say this, ye will receive him, and say that he is a prophet. (Helaman 13:27)
O that we had remembered the Lord our God in the day that he gave us our riches, (Helaman 13:33)
they loved Satan more than God...men began from that time forth to be carnal, sensual, and devilish. (Moses 5:13)
ceased not to call upon God. (Moses 5:16)
began to depend upon their own strength and upon their own wisdom, (Helaman 16:15)
Woe unto them that are wise in their own eyes, and prudent in their own sight! (Isaiah 5:21)
There were additional notes I highlighted but these were some I wanted to focus on today.
As I studied last night, I read the words of Samuel the Lamanite that he spoke to the “members of the Church” who were Nephites but who were willfully rebelling against what they knew to be right. This is what I was doing for some time; this is what Beck even called me on before she even knew exactly what was going on; this is what I want to fortify against TODAY (and moving forward).
I thought about fortifications last night and am glad I have an appointment with a new professional counselor this coming Monday. I’m committed to doing whatever it takes to not fall back into paths that have been a wicked pattern in my life.
As I thought about fortifications, two things came to mind:
- I have to take things one day at a time – I can’t think too far ahead in my recovery or it will seem overwhelming and scary and maybe even impossible.
- I need to be aware of fortifications I can make every day – I look at fortifications as another way to describe HOW I’m going to submit my will to God today.
Here are some of the fortifications I feel 100% committed to:
- Scripture study and journaling in the morning (or as soon as I can based on schedule)
- Personal and couple prayer in the morning
- Practicing personal prayer throughout the day – asking God to help me, protect me, and direct me on what I should be doing
- Listening to conference talks and other uplifting things in the car (avoiding the radio and songs that aren’t helpful for recovery)
- Effective blocks on computer AND phone (I need to figure out how to block my phone more effectively)
- Daily AEIOUY’s with Beck
- Nightly scripture study with Beck
- Sharing journal entries with Beck
- Reviewing the boundaries Beck shared with me
- Meeting with a counselor on at least a monthly basis
- Going to 12 Step meetings weekly
- Working the steps of recovery consistently
- Working with a sponsor in the program (possibly Alan)
There may be others that my counselor recommends but I feel this is a good start.
Looking at the notes I’ve shared, I see patterns:
- The Nephites forget the Lord
- They aren’t grateful and don’t recognize His hand in all they’ve been blessed with
- They think they’ve done it all themselves
- They focus on their riches and get more and more competitive instead of just being thankful for what they have
- They get angry and there is lots of contention
- They love Satan more than God and choose to feed the appetites Satan puts into their minds (Carnal Mind) as opposed to staying within the bounds the Lord has set (Spiritual Mind)
- They stop praying to God
- They think they are fine and don’t need God’s help in everything they are doing
I feel strongly that my core issue has been exactly these things. When I go into the “carnal Nate”, it’s because of a pattern that goes like this:
Things are hard >I pray, read scriptures, feel the Spirit, and feel good about where I am at > I receive blessings in the form of success, talents, financial deals, a beautiful wife and family, etc. > I start feeling that “all is well” and that I’m doing pretty good for myself > I gradually stop doing the dailies (personal prayer, personal scripture study, submitting to God in all things) > I become casual in my spirituality and have slips, never bid ones at first > I feel bad, ashamed, angry and don’t want to tell anyone > I start looking to blame others for my feelings of failure or inadequacy > I make more mistakes > and from here it’s a slippery slope to HELL
Words that come to mind to fight this trend:
- Awareness
- Daily accountability
- Commitment
- Submission
- Priorities
- Trust in God
- Love of familiy
- Love of God
- Recovery
- Happiness
- Peace
- Spiritual progress
I’m grateful for the scriptures and for journaling. I’ve felt the best in my life (mission, when I was dating Becky, and from time to time while married) when I was actively involved in these things on a daily basis. I have to REMEMBER THESE FEELINGS.
I love Beck so much.
I love my kids so much.
I want to learn from the past, both my own past and the past of the Nephites, so I don’t continue to follow this cycle of pain and regret.
Today will be a good day!
Hasta manana!
Nate
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