Today has been pretty good so far. I woke up early, got showered, and got all my BNI stuff ready to go before the meeting. I’m now officially the secretary (AGAIN), so I’ll have to be there earlier and will have responsibilities. In some ways, this is a pain, but I like to have a role.
When I got home, I could tell Beck wasn’t doing well. She had sent me her journal and so I took some time to read her thoughts and feelings.
It was hard.
She had had a bad dream the other night, not sure exactly what about, but it had triggered all kinds of thoughts, one of which was looking up T-Mobile history to see how much I’d talked with or texted “the huge mistake”.
It made me sick to my stomach just to read that she’s having these feelings again, but I did assured that I have done my best to tell her everything I can remember about our communication and about the frequency.
One of the other things she talked about in her journal was the fact that I seem to be procrastinating my inventory. She’s right, I am: I’m scared to go there; I’m not looking forward to any of that. But I want to do what’s right, both for myself and for my relationship with Heavenly Father, but also for my relationship with Becky and everyone else that’s important to me.
So, I’m going to start it – hopefully today.
In the mean time, I’d like to continue my study about humility and subjecting my will to God.
I feel humility is a tough balancing act between being confident in my abilities and what I can do, and then being submissive and acknowledging that everything I have, everything I do, all of this comes from God.
I like this scripture, how it explains Christ’s role and humility:
5 And thus the flesh becoming subject to the Spirit, or the Son to the Father, being one God, suffereth temptation, and yieldeth not to the temptation, but suffereth himself to be mocked, and scourged, and cast out, and disowned by his people.
6 And after all this, after working many mighty miracles among the children of men, he shall be led, yea, even as Isaiah said, as a sheep before the shearer is dumb, so he opened not his mouth.
7 Yea, even so he shall be led, crucified, and slain, the flesh becoming subject even unto death, the will of the Son being swallowed up in the will of the Father.
8 And thus God breaketh the bands of death, having gained the victory over death; giving the Son power to make intercession for the children of men—
9 Having ascended into heaven, having the bowels of mercy; being filled with compassion towards the children of men; standing betwixt them and justice; having broken the bands of death, taken upon himself their iniquity and their transgressions, having redeemed them, and satisfied the demands of justice.
Christ suffered temptation, but he didn’t yield to it. Chris was mocked and scourged and cast out and disowned, but he opened not his mouth.
Christ had all power and could do whatever he wanted really, but he submitted His will to the Father.
I like what this says about becoming subject too – it kind of relates to my moral inventory:
35 For behold, if ye have procrastinated the day of your repentance even until death, behold, ye have become subjected to the spirit of the devil, and he doth seal you his; therefore, the Spirit of the Lord hath withdrawn from you, and hath no place in you, and the devil hath all power over you; and this is the final state of the wicked.
This is great warning too:
20 For behold, at that day shall he rage in the hearts of the children of men, and stir them up to anger against that which is good.
21 And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devilcheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.
22 And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance.
23 Yea, they are grasped with death, and hell; and death, and hell, and the devil, and all that have been seized therewith must stand before the throne of God, and be judged according to their works, from whence they must go into the place prepared for them, even a lake of fire and brimstone, which is endless torment.
Things that stick out to me and remind me of where I’ve been:
- rage in the hearts of the children of men
- anger against that which is good
- pacify, and lull into carnal security
- the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell
- grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance
These are things that seem really familiar to me during my darkest days. I was angry all the time; I was pacified into carnal security thinking there was nothing really wrong (or at least it wasn’t THAT bad); I was cheated and led away carefully down to hell. I was grasp with his awful chains.
How did I get there?
Here are a few ideas that come to mind:
- I got complacent in my spiritual nutrition: I wasn’t reading my scriptures, saying personal prayers, or giving myself any spiritual nutrition, especially on a personal level.
- I thought everything was fine and that I was “out of the woods”: I remember distinctly saying to myself, “I don’t really have time or need to go see my sponsor again – I got this figured out and am fine. I’ll just work on things at home.” What I’ve learned is that I never am and never will be “out of the woods” – that is an illusion of Satan, one of his ways to “pacify, and lull away into carnal security” and “lead away carefully down to hell”.
- I stopped doing the things that had got me to a level of recovery: going to meetings, working with a sponsor, working the steps of the program, reading the scriptures personally, saying personal prayers, saying couple prayers, talking with Becky about anything spiritual, reading good books – I wasn’t doing ANY of these things.
- I felt anxious about the future, which would cause me to hibernate or focus on fear: taking things one day at a time is not just some cliche – it’s for real. All I can do is decide who I want to serve TODAY. Looking back at the past isn’t really effective, worrying about the future is in many ways pointless – all I can truly do is map out today and submit my will to Him. Yes, I can set short and long-term goals for the future; yes, I can have dreams. But at the end of the day, I need to look in the mirror and ask myself, “Can I feel so now?”
- I sometimes felt un-noticed: this is getting into the blame category – this was not really anyone’s fault but my own.
- When I made mistakes, I justified my actions and blamed others for my choices: there’s not much I can say about this except that I’m grateful to be aware of the disaster I caused.
Becky just got home from aerobics and things are not good at all. She had a bad dream the other night, which caused her to start thinking about all the bad things, which caused her to go back to phone records to see how many times I’d talked and chatted. Apparently there were 1,000 chats in May and June…
She said some really tough things, all of which I probably deserve, but I feel as bad or even worse than I did when this all came out.
She asked what I was thinking. I honestly don’t have any idea.
She asked if I had feelings for that person. I truly don’t think I did, but I don’t know who I was at that time.
I feel like death.
I feel so disappointed in myself and my actions.
I don’t even know what to do or what to say. I just want to crawl into a hole and never be seen.
Beck is worried about my parents coming home – how they will act, what they will say, how they will treat me (their son the adulterer). She’s afraid, as am I, that they will just act as if nothing has happened or that it was no big deal.
So, not the best way to end a day.
Hopefully tonight/tomorrow will be better.