Day 9 – Step Work
Rarely do people caught in addictive behaviors admit to being addicted. To deny the seriousness of our condition and to avoid detection and the consequences of our choices, we tried to minimize or hide our behaviors. We did not realize that by deceiving others and ourselves, we slipped deeper into our addictions. As our powerlessness over addiction increased, many of us found fault with family, friends, Church leaders, and even God. We plunged into greater and greater isolation, separating ourselves from others, especially from God.
Do you feel you have denied the seriousness of your condition?
In the past, absolutely I did. In the past, especially when this all started, I feel like I just thought the addiction was a bad habit. I don’t believe the phrase “addiction” ever even came up. In the last two years, I feel like I knew things were bad and getting worse, but I feel I justified or rationalized – blaming others, fault finding, and not taking responsibility for my choices. I put off talking to the Bishop, I tried to talk myself into the idea that “I didn’t really do anything too bad,” and all these thoughts and feelings were lies.
I’m grateful to not be there today.
What has helped you realize the truth?
The main thing that’s helped me realize the truth is how I feel today versus how I felt before. It’s night and day. I feel so liberated and free today. I feel the Spirit back in my life. I can have great talks with Becky and actually contribute to the conversation.
How did I realize the truth? I’m not 100% sure, although I feel I knew the truth all the time but wasn’t willing to acknowledge it. I feel like being 100% honest with myself, with the Bishop and with Becky has helped me realize the truth even more about the gravity of my decisions.
I’m grateful that today I’m aware of where I was and where I want to be.
What have you done to avoid detection or the consequences of your choices?
Hidden everything. In the past, I was so good at hiding things. I would delete computer history, delete conversations, delete texts, delete anything I could. In the past, I would act as if everything was fine; however, my whole demeanor was something I couldn’t really hide. I was angry, easily offended, and just dark. I felt mad at the world all the time. I had nothing to really say of value to the kids or to Becky.
I’m grateful that today I don’t want to hide anything.
I’m grateful that today we’ve set up filters on the computer to help me not be able to hide anything.
I’m grateful that today I have nothing to hide.
Do you recognize how your dishonesty has allowed you to slip deeper into addiction? Give an example.
Yes, for sure. My dishonesty started with small relapses. Although I was sort of honest with the Bishop at the time, I don’t think he realized the gravity of addiction and what I was dabbling with. I believe when I told him of my relapses I may have already been having conversations with “the mistake,” although I don’t think they had gotten to the level they eventually got. But I could have talked with him about that conversation then and I didn’t.
As I was more dishonest with myself and with others, I slipped deeper and deeper into the negative conversations that ultimately led to terrible choices that make me sick to even think about. Never did I think I could do the things I did to my wife and kids. Never do I want to go back to that darkness again.
Dishonesty, even in its smallest form, led me down such a dark path. I’m grateful that through the Atonement, I can be honest today and not be close to that path as long as I submit my will to God.
How did you blame others for your problem?
I blamed Becky for a lot of things. She was too busy. She wasn’t really paying attention to me. She wasn’t giving me the sexual attention I felt I needed. She didn’t even notice if I was around. And the list of accusations went on and on.
I’ve discovered since then that what I was really looking for was emotional connection, but I tied all this to sex. I think it was tied to sex because of what I was looking at, what I was talking about, and what I was thinking.
I blamed others too. I was frustrated at times with the FS guys for how they handled things; I was frustrated with clients; I doubted God really was there and was listening to my prayers (although they were few and far between).
I blamed the kids a lot too. Caleb was being disobedient. Caleb was being a pain. All of this blaming and shaming was my way of justifying my behavior and rationalizing my addiction. I know writing about it helps, but it just makes me sick to realize how deep I had fallen into my addiction.
Have you separated yourself from loved ones? From God? Describe how this feels.
Yes, I had for sure. I was so separated from Becky that she would say things and I’d have no response. When we would talk about important things, the conversation would usually end in some sort of argument because I felt she was challenging what I was saying. All I cared about, it seemed, was sex. Nothing else really mattered.
I was separated from the kids too. I yelled, I threatened, and I isolated myself. At times, I would try to white-knuckle it and act as if things were fine. I’d try to be happy or be different, but very quickly I’d fall back into anger and resentment and the cycle would start all over again.
I definitely was separated from God too. I rarely, if ever, said my personal prayers. I never said prayers in the moment of temptation. I never ready my scriptures or wrote in my journal. My god at the time was Satan (although that’s crazy to even write out).
This feeling of separation from the most important people in my life – God, Becky and my kids – it’s the worst feeling I’ve ever felt. It’s lonely, it’s sickening, it’s full of resentment and anger and rationalization, and it’s dark.
I’m grateful to recognize what the feeling is.
I’m hopeful that I never feel it again.
I’m grateful to write out my feelings on paper and paint a very clear picture of who I’ve been in the past and who I want to be today. I look forward to the steps in the program that talk about where I am today instead of going over all the past feelings that make me sick to my stomach.
I’m grateful to be working on recovery today.
I’m grateful to feel emotionally connected to God, to Becky, and to my kids.
I’m hopeful that today I can submit my will to God and live another day in recovery from my addictions.
Hasta luego!
Nate
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