Day 10 – Step Work
When we, as addicts, resorted to lies and secrecy, hoping to excuse ourselves or blame others, we weakened spiritually. With each act of dishonesty, we bound ourselves with “flaxen cords” that soon became as strong as chains (see 2 Nephi 26:22). Then a time came when we were brought face to face with reality. We could no longer hide our addictions by telling one more lie or by saying, “It’s not that bad!”
Do you see how dishonesty has weakened you and allowed your addiction to progress? Describe.
Yes. I’ve been dishonest with myself, with Becky and with God off and on for quite some time. This dishonesty and hiding has bound me with flaxen cords, blinded me, and ultimately led me down a path I didn’t want to go. I was spiritually helpless; my addiction got out of control. And I didn’t even truly realize what I was doing or how it was going to affect those closest to me.
I’m grateful that today I’m striving to be 100% honest with myself, with Becky, with others, and mostly with God. I don’t want to hide anything. I want to be so open that I have not fear of what others might find out or know about me. I want to live in recovery today and not look back too much.
Have you been brought face to face with the reality that you can no longer hide your addiction? Explain how.
Yes. I have been. And I’m so grateful for that reality. I don’t want to hide anymore. I’m grateful that Becky encouraged me to tell my parents what had happened, both the addiction to pornography and the online affair. This was really hard but worth it.
I’m grateful, when I told Becky about the online affair, that she demanded that I tell her exactly what happened. This was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it was essential to true recovery I feel. I have to be open about what’s happened, not only to give myself a chance to at some point gain back her trust, but to be completely aware of what I’m doing and what potential my actions have to destroy everything that’s most important to me.
I don’t ever want to hide anything again.
I don’t ever want to have the feelings of guilt and remorse and flat out sickness in my core that I had again.
I’m grateful that today I’m willing to admit these feelings and recognize what lying has done to me and to my family.
A loved one, a doctor, a judge, or an ecclesiastical leader told us the truth we could no longer deny—the addiction was destroying our lives. When we honestly looked at the past, we admitted that nothing we had tried on our own had worked. We acknowledged that the addiction had only gotten worse. We realized how much our addictions had damaged relationships and robbed us of any sense of worth. At this point, we took the first step toward freedom and recovery by finding courage to admit that we were not just dealing with a problem or a bad habit. We finally admitted the truth that our lives had become unmanageable and that we needed help to overcome our addictions. The amazing thing about this honest realization of defeat was that recovery finally began.
Do you recognize that addiction is truly destroying your life? Explain how.
Yes. I’m glad today I’m in recovery and have been in recovery for 299 days. But before that, addiction was and almost did completely destroy my life. First, it destroyed all the trust my wife and best friend had in me. She has known about my addiction since 2007 but this time was by far the worst due to the online relationship I had and the lies, deceit, anger, resentment and distance I had created due to my addictive behavior and actions. For the last almost year, I’ve been striving everyday to regain that trust with Becky, and it hasn’t been easy at all.
I also have damaged my relationship with my kids, especially my oldest son. During my addiction, I was also so angry and I would take most things out on him. I had no patience with him. I exploded at the smallest things. I don’t know why I did this – probably because I was so mad at myself deep down and felt I had to express that anger somewhere. But today is a different today. Today I’m trying to connect with him emotionally, understand what he’s feeling, and listen to him when things are tough. Today, if I do get mad at him, I try to apologize quickly, talk things through, and make things right. Today, I feel better about the relationship I have with him and with my other kids. Today I’m working on character weaknesses that will hopefully continue to repair the damage my addiction has caused.
What have you tried to overcome your addiction?
Gosh, it seems like everything. I’ve talked to every Bishop I had since I was about 14. I’ve tried to white-knuckle it by saying I’m going to quit or that was the last time. I’ve been in the 12 Step program off and on since 2007. I’ve talked to Becky about the addiction. I’ve had a sponsor. I’ve written in my journal. And much, much more. Some of these things worked temporarily but I don’t feel I was ever in true recovery.
Since the big mistake and hitting rock bottom, though, I’ve been so much more willing to do things differently. Things I’ve done differently this time:
- Been 100% honest with Becky
- Worked with two different professional counselors
- Read books with Becky about addiction and recovery
- Talked to my parents about my addiction and what happened
- Been willing to talk to friends about what has happened
- Kept track of my recovery date
- Write in my journal and share my thoughts and feelings with Becky
- Do AEIOU’s with Becky each night
- Read in the scriptures with Becky each night
- Stopped watching TV almost entirely
- Buried my “weapons of war:” Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, LinkedIn, Pinterest, and other social networks that cause me to browse, waste time, and eventually fall back into my addiction.
- Set up a filter on my computer that reports to Becky about where I’ve been and what’s going on
- Worked with a sponsor aggressively everyday to focus on recovery
- Attend addiction recovery meetings
- Listen to talks in my car instead of the radio
But most importantly, I’m learning to turn my will over to God completely. I do this by saying prayers in the moment of temptation, especially the temptation of lust – to look at a girl from the waist down. This is hard: the natural man is powerful, but I know that for me, this is essential to my recovery. If I don’t do this, I know that I’m destined (and basically choosing) to fall back into my addiction and destroy my life and my family.
How has your addiction gotten worse?
Luckily, for the last 299 days, it hasn’t. But before that it got just about as worse at it could get without completely destroying my life. I hit rock bottom. I had an online relationship where we talked about sex, about meeting up. It was ridiculous. I can’t believe my addiction even got to that point.
It makes me sick to write about it again, but I’m willing to as a way to SEE what I’ve done and remember how close I was to the edge of the cliff of HELL.
Today I’m submitting my will to God and today I’m committed to doing what He wants me to do.
How has addiction damaged your relationships?
It’s practically destroyed my relationship with Becky. It’s practically destroyed my relationship with my kids. It’s practically destroyed my relationship with Heavenly Father and the Spirit.
But I’m so grateful for repentance, for the Atonement, for forgiveness, and for recovery. Without these things, I probably wouldn’t be here. I’d have ruined my life and have wanted to just die.
I realize that if I let my guard down and let addiction slip back into my life, it WILL completely destroy all these relationships that are most important to me.
How has it affected your self esteem and self worth?
Terribly, especially in the past. I was always so angry at everyone but mostly at myself, although I didn’t recognize that then.
Today, though, I feel better about myself – although it’s honestly really hard to write this stuff out again and think back on where I’ve been and what I’ve done. I’ll be grateful when the questions talk more about recovery and healing.
Has your life become unmanageable? Give several examples.
It had become unmanageable for sure. First, I had an online affair where I talked with a girl I barely knew on the phone, on chat, in text. We talked about sex, we talked about what we’d do if we were together. She sent me inappropriate pictures. It was horrific. It makes me sick.
I would stay up until all hours of the night looking at images or chatting. I would waste hours upon hours during the day in my addiction.
All of this was the addiction at it’s worst self. I would yell and get angry. I had an aura about me that was dark and hostile. All of this was the addiction. I don’t want to be in that place ever again.
And these reasons are why I’m taking the time to work the steps of recovery and submit my will to God.
Do you honestly feel addiction has defeated you? How does it feel to admit this?
Yes, it had. I was dead spiritually. I practically killed my most important relationships. There was nothing I could do except give up and surrender, because the addiction had taken over my life.
It feels so relieving to talk about it and admit that.
It feels liberating.
I feel more free today than I’ve ever felt.
I feel ready to work today and submit my will to Him.
I feel grateful that, through the Atonement, I can live in recovery, I can love my wife and children, and I can feel the Spirit in my life again.
I feel grateful to have made the time today to answer these questions openly and honestly.
Today is going to be another day in recovery from the carnal Nate, the side of me I never want to hang out with again.
Wow, that was quite a bit of work. Like I said in my answers, I’ll be so glad when the writing focuses more on recovery and where I am today. But I do know that being honest with myself and others is essential to true recovery.
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