Yesterday was a good day. I was a bit nervous in the morning because it’s a new month and I have to set new goals and new benchmarks for “success,” but I felt I handled it pretty well by working on my journal, writing out goals, and then starting projects.
At about 3:30 I got a text from Shawn, a guy my friend Brad referred me to who wanted help with online marketing for a singer. Becky and I talked about it and determined that I should hire someone to work on the project more than me, since it would involve social media (Youtube, Twitter, Facebook, etc.) – all weapons of war for me.
So I hired JayR, who has been working on planning and prep work.
The text I got from Shawn was about having a call tonight at 8:00 to go over things. I think my sub-conscious thought, “Crap, what will I have to show for what we’ve been doing?” I knew JayR had been doing some work, but I wasn’t sure exactly what.
As I looked up through Shawn’s text, I remembered that he’d given me the contact info of Miss Chile, who is in one of the videos with the singer. So, without even thinking, I called her so I could say that I’d at least reached out.
Surprisingly, she answered the phone. We talked about what she’d done with the singer and about how things had gone. I told her we were looking to connect with people in Chile that could help promote the video and song. She mentioned some of her contacts there and that was about the jist of the conversation. I also mentioned that my partner’s wife was from Chile, so that could be a good connection too.
And that was it.
I then called JayR to talk about the status of the project, let him know about the conference call, and inform him that I’d talked to Miss Chile and that she was interested in helping. Becky was there for the call with JayR and overheard me talking to him about it. As I was talking, I could tell what I was saying was not going over well…
The rest of the night was not good. It was like we were back to the start of the “big mistake.” I felt bad and didn’t know what to say. I tried to let Becky know I was there and that there was nothing happening, but I could tell it wasn’t a good time to talk
We did our AEIOU’s that night and she didn’t talk much, until she’d thought about things for a bit and then she went off and brought up the past, dropped some bombs on me, and it was just like we were back at the beginning. She said she couldn’t trust me and that I was probably headed back down the same path.
The honest truth is I don’t feel I’m there.
The honest truth is I feel I made a mistake in calling that girl, but I had no intent to cause harm. I don’t know what the girl looks like, I don’t plan to find out, and my intent is to introduce her to JayR and his wife so they can work together.
I told Becky today that if I need to, I’ll just end the contract all together.
So that’s that.
Today I’ve been listening to the talk by Elder Scott called “Personal Strength through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”
Here are some of the things that stood out to me:
So complete was their conversion that they buried their weapons and covenanted with the Lord that they would never use them again…
I’ve made some commitments like these – to bury my weapons of rebellion and to never use them again. If I open up the door to social media, I am breaking that commitment and inviting fear and pain back into our home and into the relationship I’ve so earnestly tried to repair.
The people of Ammon were at a critical moment of their spiritual lives. They had been true to their covenant never to take up arms. But they understood that fathers are responsible to provide protection to their families.6 That need seemed great enough to merit consideration of breaking their covenant…
I feel this way too. I’m at a critical moment – I’ve made great progress in recovery and feel good about where I am today; however, I also feel the pressure to provide for my family financially. But providing financially isn’t worth breaking my covenants and un-burying my weapons of war.
Consider the tender feelings of those fathers. How must they have felt to know that the rebellious actions of their past prevented them from protecting their wives and children at that moment of need?…
…sometimes our poor choices leave us with long-term consequences. One of the vital steps to complete repentance is to bear the short- and long-term consequences of our past sins. Their past choices had exposed these Ammonite fathers to a carnal appetite that could again become a point of vulnerability that Satan would attempt to exploit.
I definitely felt this last night. My poor choices from almost two years ago (and even longer than that) have left long-term consequences – a fragile heart of my wife and a distrust that can easily come back with a variety of triggers. Like the Ammonites, I too have carnal appetites that can again become a point of vulnerability that Satan will exploit if I let him.
Satan will try to use our memory of any previous guilt to lure us back into his influence. We must be ever vigilant to avoid his enticements. Such was the case of the faithful Ammonite fathers. Even after their years of faithful living, it was imperative for them to protect themselves spiritually from any attraction to the memory of past sins…
“Protect [myself] from any attraction to the memory of past sins…” This is crucial to my ongoing recovery from my addictions. Working with Miss Chile would do just that and I don’t want that.
The joyful news for anyone who desires to be rid of the consequences of past poor choices is that the Lord sees weaknesses differently than He does rebellion. Whereas the Lord warns that unrepented rebellion will bring punishment,16 when the Lord speaks of weaknesses, it is always with mercy.17
I’m grateful for this statement. Heavenly Father wants to help me and wants to be there for me.
I feel that I can turn all of the project over to JayR and an outsourced employee who has a good track record with online marketing and social media campaigns. I’m paying JayR $75 per month and can afford to pay more to another contractor to help manage the project.
I want to be there for Becky. I want her to trust me. I don’t want to go back to where I’ve been.
I look forward to a day in recovery.