H – Hungry
A – Angry
L – Lonely
T – Tired
If I am being honest about where I am today in recovery, I would say the A, L and especially the T are there for me.
I feel the anger has been more triggered from the tiredness and loneliness, but I have not been the most patient with the kids, especially yesterday.
The loneliness, I feel, is due to my lack of connection with God and my lack of connection with Becky.
The tiredness and feeling achy all over my body has been real and it’s hard to express this to Becky in a way that she won’t take as self-pity or justification. I really feel miserable: headache, sore throat, cough, body aches, and not much energy. I’m worried Tyson’s sickness has been passed to me – this morning I started coughing and had dry-heaves.
I got a journal entry from Becky that was direct and to the point. Basically it said my actions of tiredness and fatigue and lack of energy are triggering feelings of fear and the past in her.
It talked about how she feels I’m looking for points or for praise. It talked about how she feels she’s in charge and has to make all the decisions and take all the action.
It talked about how she feels like I’m acting like a “bratty kid,” stirring up contention with the kids, slamming Caleb.
It talked about how she feels I resented helping with unloading the car yesterday.
As I try to be honest with myself, this is what I was feeling yesterday and today:
- TIRED: it’d been a super long day of driving and poor eating, then to get home and take the kids around to their activities, then to get the van cleaned up, and finally to get appointments scheduled for the showing of the home tomorrow. I was just tired. With that tiredness I do admit I was a bit more snippy at the kids, especially when I didn’t feel they were doing anything to help. But I felt that wore off pretty quickly.
- Some resentment. We went on a walk together to the Dug-Out for what I thought was getting me something to eat or getting me a treat. When we were there, I ran into a friend and we talked for a bit. This seemed to irritate Becky quite a bit; when we finished talking I started looking around for something to eat and she didn’t seem really happy that I was looking for things to eat. I eventually got a cinnamon roll with Caleb and I’m not sure how she felt about that either – out of my control. After our walk, Beck said she then wanted to go work out for a bit. Yes, I was a bit resentful at this since we had just went on a walk, but I tried to surrender those feelings right away and after her workout, I apologized for my feelings.
- SICK: I really do not feel good. I know this is a trigger for Becky that I’m not sure how to work around. If I’m sick, I’m sick. I am not sure what she wants me to do or how she wants me to handle how I feel physically. I don’t want pity – well, maybe I do want a touch of compassion or at least awareness of how I feel. I don’t need her to drop everything and take care of me. But I do need to slow down and take care of myself. Last night, during the game, I laid down on the chairs and watched the game on the computer. I didn’t have any negative feelings or resentments, I just felt tired and worn out. I think I do feel uneasy about how to deal with the sickness feelings, what she wants me to do, or what she expects.
As I read through her journal again, I do feel some of the negative emotions I would feel in the past – what does she expect? will what I do ever be enough? yes, I do wait for her at times to tell me what to do because she has expectations that I’m not always aware of.
These are my honest feelings that I want to surrender.
I don’t want to feel resentment.
I don’t want to feel anger.
I can’t control the feelings of sickness right now, but I don’t want to feel those either.
I reached out to my sponsor tonight to surrender my feelings via text.
I want to be connected to God, and I feel today was a good day at Church – one where I got a lot out of the talks and out of the message I heard from the speaker in Priesthood meeting.
I also felt good reading the book “The Peacegiver.” Although I’m not 100% sure where it’s going yet, it’s caught my attention.
I also reached out to quite a few other friends in the meetings: Spencer, John, Daniel, Tyler, Grant, Ryan, Adam and Sean. I don’t write this to brag, I just write this to recognize that I am trying to live in recovery today, right now, this moment.
I hope to get good sleep tonight.
I hope to be able to start the week off well and find a quality renter for our home.
These are my thoughts tonight.
Tomorrow morning I commit to doing a thorough study before I start the day.