I recently finished a book titled “The 7-Day Christian” by Brad Wilcox. Although the overall topic of the book is not about sexual addiction recovery, many of his points resonated with me. From surrender, to gratitude, to living a “new normal,” I really felt like the book was speaking to me.
One quote that really stuck out was this:
Previously in my life, every diet or exercise program had been an event – a period through which I would grit my teeth and endure until I could get back to normal life. This attitude provided a watery foundation, and I slipped and slid all over the place. This time, God helped me find dry land. My work with [my trainer] was not a program or event, but a lifestyle change. I was in this for the long haul. I was not starting a program with a beginning, precise guidelines, and an end; I was committing to a change that — through all the ups and downs — was not going to be abandoned or forgotten. This long-term perspective was firm ground. (bold added for emphasis)
The question it brought to the surface for me:
When Does Addiction Recovery Work End?
One thing that really stuck out to me about Elizabeth Smart’s comments at the UCAP conference last year was that, when she got back from being kidnapped, she wanted to just go back to the way things were. But she couldn’t. Things were different and she had to live a “new normal.”
I feel the same way in recovery. I have to live a new normal. I can’t continue to do the same things I’ve always done. I can’t continue to deal with problems and issues the way I have in the past.
In a comment from Steven a few weeks ago, I feel he answered the question pretty straightforwardly.
– I have learned that recovery is a journey not an event.
– I have learned that each time I work a step I gain new insights…why is this so? Because I am not in the same place as I was the first time through.
– I recognize that I will never come to the place that says…finish line, you have graduated; lust will no longer be toxic for you. Go on with the rest of your life. (bold added for emphasis)
Steven shares his hope about the progressive victory as well:
Thus, progressive victory over lust is experiencing physical, emotional and spiritual healing. It takes all of my heart; time, work, willingness and my determined efforts to set proper boundaries to stay safe. It is a blessing that comes from God! Then I experience the release from the obsession to lust…I gain freedom. Lust no longer is at the forefront of my life. My progress is no longer damned.
What are your thoughts?
Does recovery work “end” at some point? Why or why not?
Can you eventually go back to “normal life?”
Is it real to think that one day you will overcome the addiction once and for all?
What is YOUR new normal?
Thanks for your feedback.
I have to agree with the comments already made. I believe that I will be going to meetings, working the steps and recovering/improving for the rest of my life. I am to the point where I have been able to accept this fact and I don’t feel sad about it. I look at it as a way to gain more knowledge and understanding. Going to meetings, working the steps and continuously learning about the addiction will help me to know how to help others (i.e. children, grandchildren, friends, neighbors and acquaintances). I am grateful for the “new normal”, it has been a blessing in my life.
I like what you said, Rory, about not feeling sad about this idea anymore of working recovery for the rest of your life. I feel that way too. Honestly, some of my best and closest friends, true friends, I’ve met through recovery.
It’s the first time in my life I’ve been able to be real and not be hiding things – although I do feel I have a lot to work on.
I think one “new normal” needs to be at least a monthly bike trip to somewhere cool.
When some people are trying to stop bad habits or start good habits, there may be an end to the change process where it is so established that they really don’t have to work at it anymore. But, we’re not talking about exercising more, eating healthy, or stopping popping our knuckles — we’re talking about addiction. I have learned addiction is a massive thing that affects and is affected by all aspects of my personality (thoughts, emotions, behaviors) and relationships. Thus, there is more than one lifetime’s worth of work to do – at least for me. When I first starting going to 12-step groups I figured I’d go about 3 months. Similarly, I figured therapy and meds would be temporary as well. At this point I don’t see an end to any of those. I may end up stopping therapy and meds, but, I can’t see an end to 12-step work. This is because it is not just about me, but about me helping others (step 12). Further, it is really the gospel in an applied format. Nobody ever would say you only have to live the gospel for so long. It is a lifetime pursuit of perfection. The phrase “once an addict, always an addict” doesn’t mean we are stuck in addiction forever; rather, it means that this is such as ingrained problem that recovery is a lifestyle that we have to maintain and continue to improve for the rest of our lives. I do hope I can get to a point, though, where I am less a prisoner to lust, and less vulnerable to so many environmental triggers. I also hope I can get to a point where recovery and healing is not the central focus of my relationships and personal life, but, a part of a broader effort to become the best I/we can.
I agree Sam, there is “more than one’s lifetime worth of work to do…” I too feel that working the 12 Steps is truly LIVING the gospel. When I hear the word perfection, it reminds me of what Mathew said the other week though:
I really feel that progressive victory over lust, for me, has been largely in part to recognizing core emotions and feelings, being aware of them, and being willing to surrender them to God in the moment. Also, asking for His help in the moment has also been helpful – but it’s a practice and process just like shooting 3-pointers.
Talk soon.
Hello everybody, my name is Brad and I’m a sex addict. I’m Pretty new to recovery and sobriety, but as I understand more of what this addiction is and what it means to be in recovery, I would say that living the way I was living before, is what got me to this place. This place being; an addict for over a decade now. A new normal is what I have to develope, just like any addiction it needs to be a life change. For those who struggle with food addiction and the struggles of loosing weight, they have to develope better eating habit but that’s not all. To lose that weight they well have to work out on a regular baises not just once ever 6 months. If they only eat healthy and don’t over indulge when it is convient then they most likely will fall back into what got them there. So this is what I’ve thought for a long time just change what I’m doing don’t look at pron and do something else. Those else’s I’ve learned though are great to have in place, they help slow the time to allow me to pause and think of why I’m feeling the way I am and what I can do about it, but what makes us truly want to use. For me it was an outlet for feeling alone and feeling I didn’t ever have anybody to talk to. That they wouldn’t understand what I was going through, and quit frankly the person I did want to talk to, seemed upset with me all the time, or wasn’t around. 1 Corinthians 10:13 Says God won’t ever give us to much that we can’t handle. For me recovery has to last a life time. If I stop connecting and stop letting people into my life, I know I’m headed right back to where I started over a decade ago. Porn never let me down it was always there, but it changes a person it closes them down, when I reach out and connect rather then turn and use, the lust that holds us down lefts a little each time. My prayer is everybody might find there true reason for using and heal that with God first. He is the only way. If you read this thanks for taking the time to read it. I’m far from an expert in English. So if it made sense I’m glad.
Brad/ North Dakota
Thanks for the comment Brad – welcome to the discussion!
Great points: one of my biggest pet peeves about “dieting” is that one can always take a break or go on vacation. True weight loss or weight maintenance is about lifestyle changes in eating and incorporating exercise.
My addiction recovery is the same way (if I think otherwise, I feel I’m lying to myself and believing it).
“It works when I work it,” is an eternal concept. The Atonement works for me when I put my trust in Jesus and ask for His help. He stands at the door and is waiting for me to invite Him into my life.
I’m grateful for today. If I think too far in the future, it can be fearful and overwhelming; but, today, I can surrender my will to God and live in recovery.
Thanks for your comments and insight. Talk soon.
Just to add a thought to this, for me there was a negativity in the back of mind towards having to call myself a lust addict for the rest of my life, like I was cursed in some way, which is why I used to dread the thought of this never going away or what have you. I’ve had a paradigm shift with this concept over the last little while as I have seen things in my life so much change for the better as a result of working the steps. I now see lust addiction as the tool that is bringing me to Christ, learning trust in his deliverance and faith in his gospel and his will. The question for me is, would I ever have reached a deeper faith in Christ without this addiction? I, of course will never have an answer to this question, but I don’t believe I would have. When things are fine, or ‘normal’ in life, I have a tendency to let them be and am slow to improve. However, as Steven said with addiction, “It takes all of my heart; time, work, willingness and my determined efforts… It is a blessing that comes from God!” This to me is the definition of a noble pursuit and seems like a pretty good way to live life, and one that will, if diligent, allow me to “..press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” Thanks for your thoughts Gents, they always help me.
I agree so much here – the blessings that have come from working recovery, working the steps, connecting emotionally with God, with my wife and with others, far outweigh the title of “lust addict.”
Learning to do His will: that’s a tough concept I’ve always heard of in the Church but I don’t think I would have ever comprehended it without these trials I’ve put myself and my family through.
“Things are fine” reminds me of coasting – which I’ve learned that the only way to coast is downhill. Life, and happiness in life, is about progress.
Thanks for your comments Cameron.
Great comments so far. I see there is another Brad in the thread. I am a Bradford, so maybe that will distinguish me. Recovery is definitely a new way of life. I don’t see it coming to an end, but that doesn’t bother me. The old normal meant using in various degrees with its abandonment to lust and deception of those I love. The old normal provided brief moments of an adrenaline rush, but I never really liked myself in the old normal. The new normal can be irritating at times with the constant vigilance and check-ins and meetings but it provides me a freedom that I would never have in the old normal. In the old normal my progress was capped off. I was just spinning my wheels in a never ending cycle. Now, in recovery, I feel like I can move forward iin hopes of discovering my real identity and becoming an authentic husband and father. There is no turning back.
Thanks for the comment Brad[ford]. 🙂
I agree, recovery has to be a new way of life. In the Big Book, it says this:
I’m grateful, today, to be aware of that. Recovery has to be as important as air or water or I’m going to die.
There is no turning back!
I’m grateful to have real friends in recovery that share the same feelings and struggles as I do.
Thanks again for the comment!
I am in what I believe is strong recovery. It seems like such a short time ago that I was harrowed up by the chains of my addictions. I was one who would NEVER give up, but I was also one who repeatedly failed and could never seem to maintain sobriety for more than a year or so. I did not view myself as an addict, that thought never entered my mind. I had a problem with lust and masturbation aided by pornography. I feel I need to set the backdrop for who I was so it can be understood the transformation that has come. I struggled this way for over 40 years before being referred to the ARP program.
When I think of “When Does Addiction Recovery Work End?”, the obvious answer is “Never”. However, that needs to be qualified by what addiction recovery work is. Addiction recovery work is steps 10, 11, and 12. It is daily seeking a connection and direction from God in prayer and scripture study, and to plan my day as God would have me live it. It is reviewing each night how I have done at following that plan and how I have dealt with the negativity that confronted me that day. It is analyzing what amends I need to make and to make it immediately. If not that night, then the next day. It is writing in my journal and analyzing my feelings, how the day has gone, where I saw outcomes of following promptings, determining what God wants me to recognize and learn from this day. And finally, to write in my journal of the blessings, spiritual feelings, and impressions of the day. All this in conjunction of actively serving every day or nearly every day, is what maintains my recovery.
I would caution though, how we interpret the question, “When Does Addiction Recovery Work End?” Recovery work never ends, but does that mean that I will be faced with the burden of the pull to this addiction forever? NO! The pull of the addiction, the temptations that are immense, eventually subside. My disposition has been changed! I have no more disposition to lust. I do not have that pull to act out in my addiction. Are there still temptations to lust? Sure, but they are like gnats that are easily dismissed. There are times I pause and realize that one of those temptations was just thrown at me a minute ago, but I dismissed it without realizing there was a temptation. THAT is what comes and strengthens with continued recovery work.
As long as I continue my recovery work, this easy dismissal of temptations is the norm. However, as I have sadly learned over my years, if I stop my recovery work, those temptations become less and less easy to dismiss and eventually become difficult to near impossible to resist. Consistent and continued recovery work is the key that keeps me in strong recovery.
I am a few years into recovery. For those few years I have not allowed even one tiny lustful thought to remain in my mind from the instant I recognized it was there. That doesn’t mean none popped in, just that they were immediately dismissed before they could take root. I still struggle with other means of escaping everyday life, but those are usually short lived. I recognize that I am trying to escape reality and start looking for what stress or negative emotion is present. I then try to manage that with healthy tools. This is what I call a true strong recovery. And, I recognize that if I ever go back to my life and avoidance, etc. that my addiction will come back. This I must keep in mind in order to keep my pride in check.
Kevin
Thanks so much for the comment Kevin and welcome to the group discussion.
I agree that addiction recovery never ends. This is one of my favorite quotes from the White Book:
It is possible that, once relieved of the compulsion to act out our habit, we may feel cured and start coasting along with our tank on EMPTY. But the same personality defects that energized our addiction are still with us and, unattended, will take their toll again, sooner or later. Why are they still with us? Because they are us. Progressive victory over these defects, not their eradication, is the power of God at work in us.
“Continued. ..” The simple wisdom of that one word. The essence of this Step-and this program-is a continuing process. These spiritual principles are a way of sound living, not merely some one-time technique for kicking a habit. We replace the addictive process with a process of recovery and growth. (p. 131)
Thanks again for all your insights. I look forward to continued work of recovery with a fellowship of brothers who are all taking things one day at a time.